Laurie,
And that wont leave you, one more smile, one more laugh, one more touch, even one more argument. It is true, isn't it - time is short, so just wake up and say what good thing can I do today, how can I share today, no matter how small.

Sent by Irene | 7:32 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
This one brings me to tears....I know how you feel. It hurts. Neil passed away in my arms and those were the last words I said to him. He reached out to me to hold me before he passed, but I would give anything to have him back. Everyday it hurts that he is gone. I keep telling myself he is in a better place, but in reality, I am selfish and I miss him and I want my life back with him. I hate it that he is gone. I hate it that people think I should be moving on with my life. Like Sasha said yesterday, my home is my safe place, it is Neil.
Those moments when we would sit in our chairs and look at each other he would say "I love you" or we would be driving down the road and he would reach over and hold my hand, I want them back. His phone calls all day long...
I know I can't have them and I know in time I will move on with my life but like you, I would give anything to say it one more time, I think all of us would.
Hang on Laurie, we are still lifting you and each other....

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 7:46 AM ET | 09-03-2008

There is more than one way to say "I love you." He knew.

Sent by sophie | 7:50 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Good morning Laurie,

How very true. I took that opportunity with Dad, I wrote him a letter that I read to him while he could still hear it. It's 9 years since mom died, dad died in April of this year. What I wouldn't give to hear their voices or tell them about my wedding plans. Which would be very different if they were here.

My fiance's mom has Alzheimer's and we are losing more of her each day. You know, you have to get what needs to be said before.... do it each and everyday because you never know when.....

1-2-3 Lifting all who need it... including me sometimes.

Sent by Sue Chap | 7:54 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
I have been reading, but I've not had time to post recently. I appreciated hearing from those health care providers who worked with Leroy. My mother's oncology nurse truly became a family member.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. We are here for you, and we appreciate hearing from you.
Much love,
MA
Charlottesville,VA

Sent by M.A. Sullivan | 7:59 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
You have said, "I love you" to Leroy in so many ways already. I know that you want to tell him again. It's impossible to integrate all that has happened right now and wishing for things to be different is part of the process. If only wishing could make it so. For two months after my husband died, I walked around saying, "I can't believe it". Now, after three months, I say, "I can't accept it, but I know that it is true". I guess that's progress. Thinking of you and your challenges and "Wishing" you well.

Sent by Elaine | 8:01 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Goodness - this brings tears to my eyes. I always wanted Leroy to know, that even in cyberspace, I loved him too. So I 'told' him every time. Thank you so much Laurie what a sweet heart you are. You may not feel much like one now because your sweet heart is gone from "living time". But love trascends death. Even if I wasn't a 'romantic' I would still believe it because it has been proven to me in fact -- in "living time" in my life. But it doesn't take away the fact that I would still say it if I had the chance to those that are gone and which I still love. Thank you for bringing this forward. You know, as you have shared with us and let others share with us about Leroy over, these past two weeks, I have learned stuff abour him which I wasn't suprised about because I could tell how rare he was from his Blog entries. There was a deepness there, a depth, a power beyond his words that just was so "WOW" it engendered love and endearment. And to know so much more about him now, factually, is very comforting and helps my grief. Thank you again Laurie. Love you. Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 8:08 AM ET | 09-03-2008

I've said it before, I'd give the insurance money back, I'd give everything back, if it would bring "our life" back...but it won't.

I do, however, have the advantage of knowing there was nothing left unsaid or unsettled. Knowing our time was going to be very short did give us that benefit. I'm not very good at putting emotion into words, so it was a tough thing to do, but there are no regrets here.

Sent by Bruce | 8:18 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Don't worry - if there is one thing that we readers know it is how clearly you and Leroy displayed your love to one another.

Actions speak louder than words!

Sent by Liz L. | 8:19 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, I understand. I know that feeling too well.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:22 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,

Don't forget that the support you provided to Leroy during the chemo sessions and doctors' appointments and care-giving were the best "I love you" that you could have given him.

Sent by Jan | 8:33 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,

what an important reminder and lesson for all of us. It's so easy to become wrapped up in the small stuff, and I think many of us lose sight of what's really important. But, I do believe that Leroy knows how much you love him and that connection will always be there.

Patty

Sent by patty | 8:35 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Amen, to your profound post today, Laurie. "I Love You", "Thank You" , "I am Sorry", etc... There is a day, when your unexpressed thought, may not get to be delivered. I hear ya.

Sent by Gail-So Ca | 8:39 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Oh Laurie,
I know how the lyrics of a song can just take me down a path that often leads to tears. I wish I could do something to relieve your sadness but it is just not possible to wash away your grief. Eventhough I still have my husband, we have lost so much of our other life that I feel like I am grieving for that already. You are right that we too often get caught up in the everyday work of cancer that we sometimes forget to say "I love you". I know you told Leroy often how much you loved him but I know you would give everything to be able to tell him one more time. Please know we are thinking of you and lifting.

Sent by Kathie | 8:45 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
Your post was bittersweet. When I'm alone in the car these days, I prefer to listen to the news. The music makes me cry.............too nostalgic. Be well Laurie.........you remain in my prayers.

To all.........thank you for yesterday's lovely responses to my post.

Sent by sasha | 8:51 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Very important words for those who still have the time. You always think there is going to be tomorrow.
Sending love to you today Laurie, Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 8:55 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,

Saying it is important but your acts of love said it just as well. You were there when he needed you. You stood by him. You were his caregiver. They say that actions speak louder than words. If that's true, your actions spoke volumes full of "I love you's." Don't berate yourself for what you left unspoken. Instead, remember all of the times that you put your own life and your own needs on hold to be with him.

Sent by Dave Jenkins | 8:58 AM ET | 09-03-2008

He knows, Laurie. He knows.

Sent by Nancy K. in Pennsylvania | 9:05 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Ouch. The pain of it, and the immediacy of that pain. How can we thank you for continuing to share this walk with us, Laurie. Thank you.

Sent by joyce smith | 9:08 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, I just want to say that I'm really appreciative of what you're doing and saying on Leroy's blog. It completes so much of the circle that is the cancer experience. What I'm hearing from you now is most likely what my loved ones were thinking & feeling - even though they didn't necessarily say it. I'm feeling even more healed hearing your words, and I'm so thankful for that. It is also incredibly helpful in my knowing what to say to those close to me who are nearing the end of their journey. Thank you SO much!

Sent by Martha in FL | 9:10 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dearest Laurie

You should have no regrets! I am positive Leroy knows!! It could not have been more apparent to all of us how he felt about you and you about him!

Still lifting........

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 9:17 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
What you say is so-o true... Just to be able to say "I love you" one more time to the person... In my case, it's to my mom who died two years ago last week. I don't know how long it takes for that feeling to go away, but I kind of hope it doesn't - in the warmest way.
Then again, every moment spend life-giving is an expression of love. And they say that actions speak louder than words.
Thank you again and always - and still lifting!

Sent by Judie in CT | 9:19 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

Leroy knew you loved him. I can feel how desperate you are to say it to him again in person, though, and my heart goes out to you. Losing Leroy, and reading the posts these last couple of days as really made me think twice about my own husband, kids and family - how very much I love them - they're my whole life. We say "I love you" a lot, but I don't think it's ever enough. I love you, Laurie. Prayers of comfort sent your way.

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 9:20 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Just wanted to add that my prayers for comfort also go out to all those right in the middle of this awful disease, and those who have lost loved ones, recently, or even years ago, and are still trying to cope. You also are in my prayers. My heart goes out to you.

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 9:25 AM ET | 09-03-2008

My thoughts and my heart go out to you. If it helps please remember that there is a band of angels surrounding you, walking with you as well as us regular old humans who care so much about Leroy and about you.

Sent by Nancy Oliveri | 9:27 AM ET | 09-03-2008

You are so right Laurie. We DO tend to take each other for granted until it is too late. Mike and I have made it a point to say it as often as possible and a day never passes, even those days that are "testy" and hard to bear, we make it a point to just say "I love you" whenever the chance presents itself. And,NEVER go to sleep mad without kissing "goodnight" I always think of my childhood prayer ~ and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. After 60 years together, we are very much aware of how fragile our relationship and time together is.
Laurie, you seem to be be thinking right and your words are moving and your memories sweet. That is all any of us are left with when life is done~ Memories. Cherish them.

Sent by J C R | 9:28 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

You will have regrets; but, you will have many positive thoughts and memories in time also. The way you spoke of each other on this blog let all of us know of your deep love for each other - the caregiving and being there let Leroy know of your love. The only true regret is that he is not here today.
Take care and G-d bless you.

Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 9:31 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Oh, Laurie! I am sure you said it many many times. And when you did not say it, you did it ... by being there for him. Thanks for taking such good care of Leroy. You brought tears to my eyes this morning.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 9:34 AM ET | 09-03-2008

I have learned so many lessons from this blog, and sometimes the best lessons are the most basic. What a touching thought Laurie. I will remember that for my husband and caregiver.

Sent by sarah | 9:34 AM ET | 09-03-2008

im so sorry for your pain laurie. thank you for reminding each of us how to live in the present. we are here for you and sending hugs and love.

Sent by liz | 9:39 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
That is such a true statement....tell them you love them in the living days. I'm sure we all talk to our loved ones even after they are gone, but we need to do it while they can appreciate what we are saying. Sometimes we let the chance slip away in the daily routine or take it for granted that they know it. Saying "I love you" is also a form of comfort. And just for you Laurie, we love you and will lift as long as you need it. Have a blessed day.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 9:43 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
None of us say it enough. As I have gotten older I am better about saying it to long time friends because we have all had losses and know that our days are not long. I could tell from what and how Leroy wrote that he knew you loved him.
Be very kind to yourself.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:44 AM ET | 09-03-2008

He knew. Never fear that, Laurie, he knew.

Which won't keep you from wishing you could say it one more time. Believe me I know. I am infinitely grateful that those were the last words Dan heard from me, but what I wouldn't give to say them to him again just one more time.

Many hugs and much gentle lifting (for I can feel that you need it today).

Sent by Nita | 9:47 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Oh Laurie - so true. And while you cannot say "I love you" to a living Leroy, you can still say I love you - he'll hear it. Maybe I just say that because I NEED to believe it, but believe it I do.

I had an interesting conversation with my dad yesterday - he was telling me who he wanted to see first when he got to heaven. Even when he's in a bad mood, and kicks me out of the room, I try always try to make a point of telling him how much I love him. It's hard to do sometimes, as you said we get caught up in the process, but Leroy knew/knows of your love by your support, dedication and devotion.

Lifting you always - 1, 2, 3!!!

Danni

Sent by Dannielle Higgins in Traverse City, MI | 9:49 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

I'm sure Leroy knew that the "I love yous" were always there. Being his rock through the whole ordeal was the biggest "I love you" of all."

Sent by Donna G. | 9:59 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Wouldn't all of us life giver survivors love to have that chance!!!

It's okay, Laurie, Leroy knows. I am absolutely convinced of it.

Hugs and prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 10:00 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Hi Laurie,

Yes, saying I love you, "in the living time" is so important. I am thinking you didn't let "in the living times" pass either you or Leroy by.

Your love and compassion for each other is so clear. Both in the blogs where Leroy talked about you, and in the blogs where you spoke about your experiences and Leroy.

Just wanting you to know, "lifting," is still out here, happening for you.

Love and care and compassion are all being sent your way.

Heartlight,

Kim

Sent by Kim Blankenship | 10:01 AM ET | 09-03-2008

I so get that feeling...

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 10:04 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Yes, I love you for saying that. So very true. I don't think I ever said that to my mom once, in all of my 50 years. I felt it, I knew it, but I never, ever SAID it.

Sent by Linnea | 10:07 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Say it, Laurie, whisper it from your heart. He hears you.

Sent by Marsha Hogarth | 10:10 AM ET | 09-03-2008

What true words. My young daughter told me that every day while I went thru chemo and again 6 years later when I went thru bilateral mastectomy. It's something we continue to do at the end of everyday, even after a typical mother-teenage daughter altercation. It makes my day! My only regret is that several other family members ran away as quickly as possible and continue to avoid confronting those inportant issues of love and loss.

Sent by Kate | 10:33 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Thank you Laurie for such an important reminder. I get so wrapped up in the day to day needs, problems, challenges that I forget to say "I love you".

Sent by Libby Gallaher | 10:37 AM ET | 09-03-2008

A critical reminder for all of us, no matter what life circumstances we're in.

Sent by kathy | 10:38 AM ET | 09-03-2008

He's with you and hears you so say it. I knkow it to be true.

Hugs and peace.

Sent by Lori | 10:40 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Beautifully put. Laurie. Something we all need to remember every day.
I'm glad you got out into the sunshine this weekend and hope it was healing.

Sent by Barbara Langan | 10:47 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, there is no doubt that Leroy knew you loved him and we could tell that he heard it often from you. However, I can surely understand the desire to say it one more time. Peace.

Sent by Karen | 10:53 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
I found the Mycancer blog in January 2007, shortly after my brother died of cancer. I went back and read all the archived posts, and logged in every day from then until now. I miss Leroy, and everyone here does, most especially you of course. I feel we're all family here, related around the special circumstances of Cancer World. So I'm going to risk being rude and direct, like families sometimes are. Can you talk about Leroy's last few days? You wrote that his cancer made its move; that stronger pain meds were needed; and that you brought in hospice. But we also learned that you had Leroy's doctor over to watch the Opening Ceremonies with you. The next day, Leroy was gone. I'm struggling to understand this. My brother had in-home hospice care for several weeks before he "passed into spirit." There was no way he could have been watching television or having a conversation with us a day or two before he died. Leroy shared with us his reluctance to bring in hospice. He wrestled with it more than once in the blog. I don't think any of us quite understood what was behind that reluctance. Now, as things have turned out, it seems to me that Leroy "knew" that if and when hospice came in the front door, he would slip out the back door. And so he did. Dear Laurie, can you comment on this?

Sent by Marion in New York | 11:05 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,
That's a wonderful reminder for all of us, regardless of our health status. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and while I know without a doubt that he loved me and I loved him, how I wish I could have said "I love you" to him just one more time. My daughter and I never end a visit or conversation w/o saying those 3 powerful words to each other. (((Hugs))) from Nancy in Waukesha WI

Sent by Nancy | 11:08 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,

You are so right! It's not any substitute at all, but something I found helpful was saying "I love you" to the man who still lived (lives) inside of me. It's another kind of living time.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 11:11 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Hi Laurie,
But you know he knew, right? I'm guessing Leroy felt your love for him every day. I realize I can only surmise, but Leroy told us in a "guy" sort of way what you meant to him. I was once told after a difficult loss that the pain I felt was an indication of the love I had experienced, and the only other option was not to have loved so completely. Once the pain lessened, I could let the memories flow, and I realized how true that was. Grieve as long as necessary, Laurie, but trust in time. It truly does heal.

Sent by Sharon | 11:14 AM ET | 09-03-2008

This reminder I think is the greatest gift you and Leroy have given the world through this blog. So many of those who follow and empathize with your journey have taken that away as a lesson. It is all about the love we share, once created, nothing ever takes that away.

Came across another good poem I wanted to share.

"This is not despair,
not the retreat into the deep wound
but a conscious living of each day

This is the placing of one foot before
the other,
not the free stride of the unencumbered
but the careful tread of the initiated foot

This is learning how to walk
without familiar landmarks, alone
even in the company of others,
not ready yet for new direction

This is the living of each day, aware
that what you cannot predict
may still loose sudden tears, yet
that laughter too is possible

This is when you struggle
as plants in arid soil
strive without conscious knowing
to stay alive until the rain

This is a time for faith
that this most naked agony of loss
will ease, and not corrode the spirit

This is the time to trust that day after
labored day you will move forward,
open to joy as well as pain;
two-sided coin, you proffer for remembrance"

MAUDE MEEHAN

Sent by Nichole in FL | 11:19 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie.... I suspect that you DID say "it", many, many times and I know that you showed it, every day in thousands of large and small ways. You can be sure that Leroy knew it too!! I agree however, we always want to say it again, and again and again.

Sent by Betty Obst | 11:20 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie-Since we are all more than just our bodies--whether you call it soul or spirit it was that part of Leroy that he fought so hard not to let cancer take. That Spirit or soul part of Leroy knows that you are telling him you love him in real time--perhaps the only real time there is--eternity.Martha

Sent by Martha C. | 11:31 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, He will hear you! Don't stop saying, I Love You, it helps you too. When this happens to any of us there are many lonely times ahead for those who remain. After the initial period of activity the clambor dies down; that is when you are alone with you thoughts. This is the most difficult because your friend, your Dad, your wife or Husband, are not there to help out. It was the toughest for me. My thoughts are with you, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 11:32 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie: You post today is a good reminder to all of us. Sasha: I hold you in my heart--thank you for honest sharing yesterday. I will never stop drawing inspiration from this blog! Update: A.M. hs moved to Hope House, New York. She has a long road ahead, but this is a big step forward.

Sent by N. Holmes | 11:33 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Usually, it's twice a day. Once in the morning when I bend over the bed and kiss him goodbye as I head to work and then again the last thing at night.

But is it possible to say it enough? Probably not. No how matter how many times we've said it in 20 (or 10 or 30) years.

If we try saying it too often, then these men of ours start looking at us funny because we're making them feeling self-conscious and "sick".

Once in a while we can sneak in an extra "because I love you" when we make cookies or do something special.

I grew up in a family where hugs, kisses and I love yous were scarce and I've worked to increase those little nuggets of love and to teach my own kids their value.

Cancer brings the lesson home. Say it now and say it often to your loved ones.

Go ahead and say it out loud, Laurie, it can never be "enough". And we'll say it with you.

1,2,3. Leroy, we love you.
1,2,3. Laurie, we love you.

Sent by Ricci | 11:33 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, my eyes teared as I read your post this morning, as I know how you feel...but know, too, that Leroy knew how much you loved him in all the little and big things you did for and with him. Sending you huge hugs, dear sweet Laurie. 1-2-3 Lift!

Sent by patty | 11:34 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

Wishing you and Leroy "one more time", too ... I understand, from the bottom of my heart.

Here's something to consider, from "Life Lessons" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kissler:

"Frank and Margaret had been married for over 50 wonderful years. Devotedly in love with each other, they were inseparable. When Margaret became terminally ill, she said, "I can accept this illness. I can accept that I'm going to die. The hardest thing for me to accept is that I'm going to be without Frank."

As Margaret's disease progressed, she was more and more disturbed by the prospect of this utlimate separation. Hours before she died, she turned to Frank, who was sitting at her bedside. Her mind was clear and alert, for she had not taken any medications. She said, "I'm going to be leaving soon. And it's finally okay." "What has made it okay for you?" he asked. "I've just been told I'm going to a place where you already are. You will be there when I get there."

Is it possible that Frank is simultaneously sitting in the hopital room and waiting for his beloed wife in heaven? Perhpas. Or perhaps the questions revolve around our perception of time. For Frank, who lives and breathes in time, it may be five, ten, or twenty years before he sees Margaret again. But if she is going to a place where there is no more time, it may seem that he arrives a second behind her. Time is longer for the survivor than for the one who dies."

Thank you, Laurie, for sharing your heartfelt longing ~ I wish we could wave a magic wand and bring Leroy back to you.

With love,

Sent by Kim Forester | 11:57 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Thank you Laurie
This love we feel while living is transcendent...I just know this too.

'Love is all there is'

And I'm missing Michael (life-giver),
be well

Sent by Joan S. | 12:01 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie Hirth, How tender is your story and expressive you are. Thank you for being so intimate about your tender loving relationship with Neil. For special reasons it is so important and good for me to hear that you had so, so much and makes sense perfect sense how hard it is to accept...how much it hurts. But so helpful to me, and I'm sorry it sounds so selfish Laurie, to read about such tenderness between two souls and see it then expressed in your words. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. What a gift your entries are for me. With Love, Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 12:10 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, I hear you. It's been over 18 years since Philip left us, but I still want to roll over in his arms and tell him I love you one more time in the living time. Hugs.

Sent by annie | 12:22 PM ET | 09-03-2008

A good lesson learned.

Sent by Lisa | 12:29 PM ET | 09-03-2008

The next time you see Leroy will be a blink of an eye...I truly believe this..Thinking of you..Sue

Sent by sue | 12:40 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, from all I have read over the past years, Leroy heard I love you many times from you. It can never be said too much. He was well loved and I believe he knew it. Even tho I was with my dad right up to the end, I still wish I had one more minute. So, I make sure my family always knows how much I love them and what they mean to me every day. No regrets that I did not say something because it was too mushy or "oh, they know". We are still with you so keep on leaning on the collective shoulders. And know, we love you.

Sent by Jenene K/AZ | 12:54 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie - I can't imagine how much you want one more day, one more "I love you".........I've been with my guy since we were 15/17 years old and when I was first diagnosed (B/C) I remember thinking "what about my girls and all I have left to do with them" but the thing that haunted me the most, was how could I ever leave Rick, and how would things ever be ok for him alone?? We've always been such a team - thank god, my prognosis is good, and I've not had to really face that - but none of us are getting out of here alive, and we're all going to leave our soulmate or be left ultimately!
So, I really grasp how you feel - but know in my heart of hearts, that you said the words plenty.......and oh how you showed that man that you loved him.....it came thru in every word he wrote, and the postings you've written. When you love that much, the loss is even greater - but what a gift we have to love someone so much!
I wish for you today peace, healing, and an understanding of how many people care about you and send love and prayers. I'm still lifting you up in prayer and will continue to!

Sent by Ruth Chermok | 12:57 PM ET | 09-03-2008

I've been mia for a while, attending to my own cancerous affairs. Back now.

Leroy hears you. He heard you every day through your attentiveness and care, even when it may have seemed that the illness ate up all of your focus. Did you not hear his love every day?

Sent by Gyla Fowler | 1:07 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Grief sucks just about as much as cancer.

Sent by JaeMoyer | 1:09 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Amen to that, Laurie.

Sent by maryz | 1:21 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Oh Laurie,

You are just as real and honest as Leroy. I cannot help but cry. LOVE YOU!! Thank you for helping us to get through Leroy's passing.

Love to all,
Betty Lewis

Sent by Betty Lewis | 1:22 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, he KNEW!! He knew...

1 2 3 LIFT!!!
FROG

Sent by Patsy Elmore from Knoxville, TN | 1:23 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, say it to him anyway. Tell Leroy that you love him, tell him daily. Trust me Honey, he'll hear you. Also, keep your heart and ears open, you may well hear him tell you that he loves you.
I love you,

Robert Sheehan

Sent by Robert Sheehan, Bothell, WA | 1:36 PM ET | 09-03-2008

There is a Keith Anderson song out now on country radio - "I still miss you". I cannot listen to that song yet without crying. It says everything I am still dealing with. Laurie - Leroy knew that you loved him - and it was so clear to all of us too!!

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 1:43 PM ET | 09-03-2008

I have that same wish about my father, who died a year ago. I was coming to visit him the next day but he died overnight and I never got to say that just one more time. I know that he knew it, but I still wish I had said it more.

Sent by N.R. | 2:03 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
As soon as you can, try to open your senses to Leroy's angel. My friend's late wife has never left his life because of this remarkable capability. It's not something I can adequately describe; it's truly a spiritual relationship and wonderfully uplifting. Good luck.

Sent by Julie Fazlollah | 2:13 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, You can say it out loud or you can just think it over and over - Leroy's spirit is always near you. It's just a different form of communication now. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Sent by Jeanne Stevens | 2:16 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Every day I try to make it a point to say those words to everyone I love. It's not that I think they don't know...I know everyone is aware I don't want to die and I love them. I think I hurt more for them than myself. It's hard thinking about leaving everyone. I don't have that many "affairs" to get in order--I'm 27. I don't own a house, don't have kids, already got rid of my car....So my most important affair is to let everyone know how much they mean to me.

I think of both you and Leroy daily. I know your pain right now is unimaginable, and I'm sure Leroy is missing you just as much as you're missing him.

My love to all of you.

Sent by Laurie | 2:24 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Graham,
That was lovely and thank you.
Like Eileen once told me, she appreciated my friendship.... I appreciate yours!
Al Cato, where are you?
Liz Z, I hope Gustav missed you and all is well.
Keeping you all in my prayers!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 2:37 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Sasha - I am sorry for not seeing your post yesterday, as I really needed to see it and the responses it generated.

I have been praying for my dad's end for several years, but more desperately recently. He's 2nd stage Alzheimer's, and in April was diagnosed with abdominal lymphoma. He is not in pain at the moment, and still knows who he and we all are, and for that I thank God each and every day. But he also knows all the things that he can no longer do - he cannot stand up and give us proper bear hugs, go for a walk, hug and kiss his wife (my mom) or do anything himself. I said earlier that we talked last night about who he wanted to see first when he got to heaven and I can only say that my heart cries for this to be over. It's heartbreaking to see him - it's heartbreaking to watch my mom deal with the pending loss of her mate. They celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary a week ago, and I went shopping for him, so that he could give mom a proper present and card (his words). Imagine my surprise when I broke down in tears at the local Hallmark! To think that this may well be the last anniversary they spend together -
I do not try to ignore these feelings, but I try really, really hard not to let them get to me. I remember the blessings we have had with him - the courage and love he has shown us always, and the gift of his still being able to walk when I got married, so that my dad could walk me down the aisle.

The wish for dad's end is always with me - I thought I was alone and crazy in that. Thank you Sasha, and thank you to all of those people who responded yesterday. We all lift each other on my count - 1, 2, 3! You are all in my prayers.

Sent by Dannielle Higgins in Traverse City, MI | 2:38 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Thank you, Laurie, for this touchingly tender post.

Remembering is "living time" too.

Maureen in Arlington, Va.

Sent by Maureen Doallas | 2:39 PM ET | 09-03-2008

And love again to each and every one of you in our "living time". Life is love and there is never enough of either one.

Sent by Lucy Groh | 2:58 PM ET | 09-03-2008

I have tears in my eyes as I read the responses on today's blog. Laurie Hirth, Graham Hawks, Sasha, JCR and many others are so right. Loving and losing our beloved one is painful, and what we would give to have them close to us, to feel their breath on us, and to be able to say, over and over again, how much we love them.
Fondest love to everyone here in this family of Leroy's and Laurie's Army

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 3:34 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie, Your love showed in every action, and in your very presence to Leroy's journey. He knew it in his bones. Saying it again in person would be sweet, but it was a message he knew by heart from the way you lived your partnership. Decades ago, at my childhood dinner table, my dad relished his supper then told my mom, "My Dear, the King of England did not dine so well!" My maternal grandmother grinned at him and [alluding to the gusto with which he had enjoyed every morsel], said, "You needn't have said a word!" [his appreciation was so apparent]. That is the phrase that popped into my head when I read your wish to tell Leroy again that you love him. Beyond that, my thought was, "So TELL him NOW!" who knows what mysteries may abound?

Sent by Sarah | 3:35 PM ET | 09-03-2008

And I know you would love to hear it just once more as well. From everything we've read, you and Leroy were so good at "love" as an action; how much it must hurt to lose it from your daily life both in word and deed. Hugs to you.

Sent by keri | 4:07 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,I know how you feel. I try not to have regrets but I do. I wish my husband would just call me every now & then, maybe just once a year. But, I also know that once a year wouldn't be enough. We can never get enough love.

Know that Leroy knew how much you loved him and know also that he loved you very much. I know that's not enough but that, and all our memories, are all we have right now. Hang on tightly to them, Laurie.

Sent by Marilyn | 4:49 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,

Letting you know that I am thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your sadness and sense of loss with us. It is something that many of us on this blog know about. Sometimes just knowing that you are not alone with these feelings, is enough for the time being. Life is just one day at a time... and we are here lifting you and each other.

Holly

Sent by Holly | 5:04 PM ET | 09-03-2008

I remember when my mom died how before it happened how tired we were and how I wished it would end for just a while. Once she died though, I could never wish that again. She may have been at peace, I don't know but that's when the longing for her began. I think that's what Laurie's talk reminds me of - the longing to say "I love you" is the longing for them to be there just for a little while longer.

Sent by Tess | 5:10 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie - I too, wish everyday I could say "I love you" to Jim in the "living time". I wish even more that he was still here to tell me so.

Laurie Hirth, your words touch me and make me cry nearly as much as Laurie's do.

Thank you, Laurie, for continuing this blog, it's been helpful for me to hear from so many in the same situation - having lost a loved one to cancer. I agree with the one who said grieving sucks too. My thoughts are with you.

Sent by Laurel Francis | 5:14 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Sorry I have had computer problems...a virus that took over so I had to begin again to restore it to working order....

Laurie, the big guy lives in your heart and will always. He's there so talk to him as you feel the need. He listens; he comforts as before. The pain and ache in your heart may ease over the years but he's still with you as long as you allow his memory to live in you. It is not a sign of insanity to talk with those who have left us. It is a sign that they continue to live within us, care for us and comfort us as we need...truly a guardian angel. This I believe and I hope you do.

May God bring you grace, mercy and peace. In my mind and in my heart, Leroy lives...he, after all, is our muse, our mentor as always. The lessons he taught are etched in my heart so that the little light of HOPE will continue to burn in his memory as long as I live.

Blessings and prayers as always.

PS. Laurie Hirth, thx for thinking of me.

Sent by Al Cato | 5:20 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
The depth of your loss brings a sadness and a wish to reach out to give you whatever support I can.

Not all of us on this blog believe in the hereafter but I do and I have a visual image in my mind. It came from the words of a wonderful gospel song I heard one Sunday titled WAITING ON THE FAR SIDE BANKS OF JORDAN by Terry Smith. It is written from the perspective of someone who has departed this world.

The lyrics are partially...
"I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan
I'll be sitting, drawing pictures in the sand
And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout
...And come running through the shallow waters, reaching for your hand."

Peace to you,

Sent by Sara in MD | 5:28 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Judie in CT @ 9:19 AM

It doesn't, it never goes away. You are able to push it away for a while, but something always managed to bring it back. It truly doesn't.

Sent by Sue Chap | 5:45 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, thank you for sharing.
You have helped me today.
TM

Sent by Theresa Murphy | 5:57 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

You were so wrapped up in the chemo, doctor's appointments and the care giving because you loved Leroy so very much. He knew that, and I'm 100% certain he knows that right now.

Still lifting!

Sent by Janice J. , Los Angeles | 6:06 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, your comments made me cry in a good way ... you never can say "It" enough. When a very dear friend (soulmate) was dying of cancer, we talked about the "L" word and if there really was the everlasting, knock 'em over, surrounding light of true love. And, there was and still is ... I miss him daily and know that he is watching my back as I negotiate my life alone. Instead of loss, I now know that I was and am the luckiest lady in the world to have known him. 1-2-3 Lift.

Sent by Pat Z. | 7:55 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
I so agree with Al Cato--I talk to Leon every day. Some days I need to talk to him about something, other days it is just a "Goodnight Dad, I love You" when I crawl into that big lonely bed at night.
During out 37 year marriage, "I love you" was said often but now it is said every night--I hope (and feel) that he can hear me. I hope he can see how much I, his sons, daughter-in-law and three Grand-Girls miss him.
Wishing you all peace...,
Jane

Sent by Jane in AR | 7:55 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
A recent hospitalization of my life partner made that living time realization so close to home. Having someone in a near coma situation and having them come back to the living time was a miracle. I had to let go of my obsessions of having them pickup their clothes and wash their dishes. I had to not "sweat the small stuff." Every day I saw them come back was a small miracle.
But after this experience, I cannot just sink into the sleepy existence that numbs us into believing life lasts forever. I feel the sadness of not having a parent I can talk to or joke with or a sister or friend.
It makes me just a little more appreciative of life.
Perhaps when we feel blue wishing for a living time, we can bring back in our memories one of those present moments where all the facades disappeared and life was rawly beautiful in its rough and tumble way.
Wishing you a few of these clear moments.
Allan

Sent by Allan Stocker | 8:06 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie, it does not go away!, just a Sue Chap at 5:45PM said, "you are able to push it away for a while, but something managed to bring it back" however, each time it gets better it is not as sad, but you begin to smile...

1..2...3....Lift Up and Away...............

Peace be with you Laurie

Marelly

Sent by Marelly Young | 11:45 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
I believe you told him each and every day in your own words and actions. You give us all hope and strength. It's hard to see just how much you showed your love... you did it and you did it wonderfully. I could tell.
Love, Jennifer in CA

Sent by Jennifer in CA | 1:00 AM ET | 09-04-2008

I KNOW Leroy knew you loved him... saying it again would not change anything... it's exactly the love you had between you that is the root of your pain now. Did you do everything perfectly? I doubt it... but did you love him and did he know that...? Oh but yes... another hug, another any real time interaction... you are missing terribly. It takes years, really years to get better at living without someone you love... go easy on yourself... Leroy loved you for good reasons...

Sent by Joan | 2:35 AM ET | 09-04-2008

Laurie,

Your comments truly made me cry thinking of my father who passed exactly one year ago from Sunday. I would give anything to be able to tell him how much I love him "in the living time", too.

Thank you for your words. We are all here for you on your grieving journey.

Sincerely,
Eva

Sent by Eva | 4:01 AM ET | 09-04-2008

I am so sorry for your having to hurt so. Leroy is closer than you think although you cannot see him ;so you can still tell him you love him. For you, the pain will always be the silence as you wait to be answered but in time you will feel his prescence.In the meantime, know you are cherished for opening your heart to all of us.

Sent by Syndi | 7:17 AM ET | 09-04-2008