Good job, Laurie! Well done. I hope you feel proud, not only that you held it together, but that you represented the real man, the whole unique person that he was and that you loved, to these people at the meeting. You should feel really good about that!

Sent by Katie | 7:34 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Glad you had the opportunity to tell others about Leroy, the man and his work. I hope that these opportunities will continue so many others come to appreciate what a difference Leroy made in so many lives. In today's world where the media thrives upon the trite, the trivial and the disgusting doings of so-called celebrities, it would be refreshing and uplifting for all to know Leroy. Let them hear about a man who really did something important for others while never seeking the spotlight.

I'm still hopeful that you and others will publish a series of books of Leroy's blogs (like the Chicken Soup books)and selected responses(probably too many to use them all) from his army of bloggers. What a fitting memorial this would be and it would be a legacy that would live and give Hope to the cancer world forever.

Blessings and prayers as always.

Sent by Al Cato | 7:40 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, the impersonal parts of our life seem even more overwhelming when we are not emotionally ready to cope with calls, forms and explanations. I wonder how Leroy would have handled those situations with his oversized laugh and sense of humor? A secret hand wave or gesture may have been in order. Hang in there girl!

Sent by Pat Z. | 7:46 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Good Morning Laurie~ I seem to "hear" Leroy speaking to us through you. He is definately guiding what you do and how you think. His presence is all around - THIS was and IS his baby!
My Mom was my creative genius who inspired and guided my hand all my life. When she passed away, I became a painting and teaching dynamo for a while and could not stop the flood of ideas and art work that came pouring out of me! I listened to her voice and they were my most preductive years! I KNEW it was her trying to use me as her vehicle to get all Her unfinished ideas and art work out. Her creative spirit has left me now and I am old and out of ideas. Laurie, we shall miss you, and Leroy until, hopefully, Monday!

Sent by J C R | 7:47 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,
I'm so happy that you were able to make it through the meeting without tears. Embrace the joy you received hearing all the good things about Leroy. I hope every day gets a little easier for you. I hope that under these layers of sadness we are all enduring, there is some joy waiting. Still lifting, Laurie..........

Prayers to all.......

Sent by sasha | 7:49 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

Leroy made a huge impression on those who knew him as a friend, a co-worker, or a patient.

CLearly, he also made an impression on those who came to know him through this blog; just look at how many of us continue to come here daily...yes, it is to support you and it is also a way to maintain the "relationship" each of us built with you and with Leroy.

This community mourns with you.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 7:50 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie ~ We in this blog will remember Leroy for his stories, his courage, his laughter and for his kindness. (amongst too many other qualities to mention)

We, too, do not see him as a number.

Thank you for continuing this journey.

1-2-3- Lift!

Sent by tracy | 7:53 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
Those tears will come for a long time. I am proud of you. I remember how I felt the first time I made it a full day with out tears. At first I felt guilty because I did not cry about him, then I got scared because I thought he had left me and then I realized, I had found him in heart and I can have him anytime I want.
No one can ever take that from me or you! They are your moments and yours alone. You can share them if and when you want!
In time, you will be able to laugh at stories you share and when you say his name, your stomach won't roll.
And then there will be days it hits you and you feel like you can't breath. Even those days have gotten easier to handle.
I remember going into interveiws two months after he passed and walking out in tears. They asked me what brought me to MS. When I explained I would start to cry. Fortunately, I found a compassionate boss who understood my pain and hired me anyway!
Laurie, we cry with you, we understand your pain. We loved Leroy, we love you and we are here to lift you just like we lift each other.
My thanks to all of you that continually share your stories, lift me in support and continually share your love. I love you all!
Hugs, love and blessings!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 7:53 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Leroy left an impression on my wife, he inspired her to keep up the fight. Although there are times she (Kathy) wants to just hang it up and have a "normal" life for as long as possible, she thought of Leroy and decided there were other people in worse curcumstances than her and say "I can do this". So yes, Leroy left a big impression.

Sent by Terrell W in Bay City Tx | 8:03 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Leroy stories capture his essence. Stories also honor him since he was such a great storyteller.

Sent by Leslie Bjorncrantz | 8:08 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, here is a hug and a hold while you are crying - by someone who still misses Leroy also. But I miss what he said which I presume also made him who he was! Take care of you - keep crying - it has to be done and it will slow up in time and if it does not, so be it.
G-d bless y ou and I hope that you have a peaceful weekend.
Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 8:32 AM ET | 09-05-2008

We talked alot about courage here when Leroy was fighting hard and trying all the different treatments. How much of it he displayed every day, every step of the way.

You do it too now every day, with every step. There's nothing easy about it...and you're doing it.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 8:34 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

And I am welling up with tears again after reading your post. I am finally getting through the bevy of VCR tapes from believe it or not June, however, when Leroy was named "Person of the Week" I taped that and last night I watched it again, and cried again.

Remembering the person is so important. Dad had a different relationship with the staff at his bank. Everyone knew him on site, even the clerk at the cable TV office, and staff at the library knew him. Leroy had an imposing persona, belly laugh. Dad had a smile and always wore a hat. I decided when dad passed I had to share that with the people at the celebration of his life. As I started to speak, my voice cracked, almost started to cry and then I added my prop.... his hat. Suddenly I was back in control and able to deliver my message about my dad, to applause when I finished.

Numbers, that is what we are to most people, and it is efficient, cold, impersonal, but efficient. The people that matter know our loved ones as the person they were. We will never forget who they are because most importantly they matter to us.

1-2-3 Lifting... drying my tears, lifting.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:36 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You will find each day that you will get a tiny bit stronger. Tears just seem to have a mind of their own though.

Just remember, there are many people out here still lifting!!!

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 8:48 AM ET | 09-05-2008

I'm so sorry Laurie. I went through that with my Mom and Dad. It does hurt to say those words over and over. I had to pay for allergy shots my Mom would never use. How stupid is that? These people mean you no harm, they just have a difficult job to do. Remember size 13 Leroy. They cannot diminish him, or you either. P.S. I'm not to far away, if you need my help, you have my e-mail.

Love

Donna in Virginia.

Sent by Donna Bennett | 8:52 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
If only you knew how much you are doing for all of us out here, who loved to get up and see what Sweet Leroy had to say any given day. You are helping us through what is a horrible void in our lives, with his passing. I only hope and pray that you realize how much we all love you and are here lifting. I am sure you did wonderful yesterday. I am sure you did good by Leroy.
Have a peaceful weekend,
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 8:54 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Oh Laurie...your love shows! Knowing that you love him so much somehow helps us in losing Leroy.

I hope there will be a book--a documentary--a movie, or all of the above, to honor this man, Leroy; and to show everyone that he was larger than life!

Sending love to you today Laurie...Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 8:59 AM ET | 09-05-2008

And the tears will come and come. The memories and Leroy's spirit will remain. His influence was wide and will be felt in many people's lives for many years to come. And you are using your "living time" well, Laurie. Thank you and to all, love

Sent by Lucy Groh from Alaska | 9:03 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Oh honey, I'm sure that was tough. I think of you and Leroy each day, your tears are ours too. We love you, have a peaceful weekend. Love from Sherri in Texas

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 9:24 AM ET | 09-05-2008

It's good that you could get through the meeting, but as you've found out, the tears will still come.

There's no way to stop them.

They come when you're in the car, they come when you're at home, they come when you're on an errand. You just have to accept that it's going to happen, and it's going to hurt.

Sent by Bruce | 9:24 AM ET | 09-05-2008

I understand your urgent desire to make sure everyone is reminded of who he was, what he was in his life....but you don't have to feel all the pressure on your shoulders to share all those stories, or no one will know...believe me they will know. Leroy's legacy is vast and highly respected. He touched soooooooooo many lives. There are many people keeping his name and memory alive. Many are sharing that mission with you.

Sent by Diana Cramer | 9:26 AM ET | 09-05-2008

WOW, thanks Laurie! You are telling Leroy's story for all of us on this Blog too! To spread the story of Leroy's life is the "Big Job" that needs to be done. The paper work is important but that will fade into the background and this will become the most profoundly important work; much more important than the societal recording keeping required after someone's passing. You are working on the living legacy now that can continue to help others - what a service! As some one posted yesterday: "Leroy's Army" now becomes Leroy's and Lauire's Army"! Love to you. -Graham

Allen, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son Hans. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. -Graham

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 9:28 AM ET | 09-05-2008

...and so they will. The tears will still come and should come. They are healing tears; well deserved tears.
Laurie, it sounds like you are holding it together quite well -- considering your loss.
If it helps to hear it, let me say that I miss Leroy; everyone here does. Most of us out here never met the man. We knew him through our TVs radios and computers. Yet, because he was such a special person, we were blessed to know him as more than a number. He was a friend and a teacher of sorts. He shared wisdom and kindness and a humor that could not be ignored. There were times I would finish reading a blog entry and find that I had both tears and a smile on my face.
Laurie, we come here for you; to check in on you to make sure you're okay. We come here to raise you up with our strength and to make sure you know how much we care for you. But Laurie, we still come here for Leroy too. This is where we saw him last. It's where we connected with him. He is not forgotten and he is not a number to any of us.
The people on the end of your phone calls are to be pitied because they didn't know that Leroy was and always will be more than a number.
Sending my love to you today and always.

Rhonda H

Sent by Rhonda Howard | 9:32 AM ET | 09-05-2008

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by Gyla Fowler | 9:40 AM ET | 09-05-2008

....It seems the tears will never stop, and really they will not ever be too far from the surface. But one day you will be talking about Leroy and it will suprise you but you will only feel a smile on your face. Sure the tears will always be in your heart but it makes you feel so good when the day comes and you have more control of your emotions. Laurie, that day is probably a long time in coming for you but it will come.

I debate with myself about coming here but I just can't stop. I think about you all the time and my heart hurts for you.

Sent by Janice from Troy AL | 10:00 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie:

The day will come when you can tell those stories without the tears, but for now, it's OK no matter where you are.

Leroy was large enough in life, those who knew him will never forget him. They will also remember you and even those who have never been in the trenches of the Cancer War will know there was something special only you could do for Leroy.

I know you feel so alone right now...Burge was a big man, too, and always there as my "back up", mentally and physically...Leroy is still there in the energy around you.

In some ways, a lot of my self confidence came from knowing no matter what happened, I was loved at home and it has taken time for me to realize that I still am and to move forward.

You are still loved by Leroy at home and away, and it will be OK.

May the weekend bring you peace.

love always,

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 10:01 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie...The 1st day I turned to Leroy's blog, perhaps 18 months or more ago, he expressed understanding of just how tough it is for loved ones and friends of cancer victims, to keep things "normal" and to know what to say to those in treatment. At the time, I had a friend going through radiation for esophageal cancer, and so totally related.

Having gone through such a loss as yours, I can somehow relate to your situation. I know that tears will come and there will be good days and bad...but over time your sweet memories made with Leroy over the years will overcome the sadness and loss you feel at present.

As in my case, having been a caregiver for so very long, Leroy's passing also must leave you with a changed sense of purpose...Thankfully, you have chosen to continue writing, and we will continue to "lift" with our thoughts and prayers as you make your way through the grief process, and look for
ways to find a new "normal".

Sent by Retha | 10:11 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Go Laurie!

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 10:16 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,

Prayers for comfort and courage to you, always. I think it very admirable the direction this blog is moving: no big decisions about the future of it(that I know of)just a daily continuation of what it's like to live with - and unfortunately, sometimes die of - cancer, and the impact it has on everyone's life. We continue to grieve with you, Laurie. I miss Leroy every time I come to this blog, and think of him often. I wish he were still here in person for the "Stand Up to Cancer" special, because he certainly stood up to cancer,and is standing still, through you. God Bless you and everyone as we try to make our way.

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 10:25 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

Just remember how many of us out here who never met Leroy "know" him and will never, ever forget him. He is not a number to us either.

Sent by Lisa Y | 10:25 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie
I'm glad that you're pleased w/ being able to hold it together. For a long time after my mom died, (a suicide), I cried every day, multiple times a day. Then one night, in bed, I realized I hadn't cried that day. And I cired.
It's a long process to ok, because you'll never stop missing him and right now you have to do some very tough 'housekeeping' dealing w/ Leroy's death. It will get easier, but never easy.
Please know you're in my prayers every day.

Sent by valerie Longfellow | 10:33 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Good on you, Laurie! I know Leroy is proud of you, as are all of us here.

I will miss you and everyone in Leroy and Laurie's Army over the weekend. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 10:35 AM ET | 09-05-2008

That's amazing Laurie - it is so hard to do that, especially at the beginning of this new journey. I have said before that I don't know what it's like to lose a partner or companion, I can't imagine. My experience was losing a sibling. I found like you that after her death, I just wanted to keep explaining to people what she was like, it was important to try to illustrate the nature of her life and personality - because when I did it reminded me that her essence still existed in the world, that it was curled right up with me. The whole point is that to me and to everyone who knew and loved her, who she was ended up transcending life. It's not a fair substitute for the real person but at least sometimes it's a comfort to know and explore ways that your loved one's spirit is still among us. Leroy was gifted enough to be able to document so much of his own lifetime and I don't have to tell you how meaningful his work was for our society - he was a true contributor and you will forever have a tunnel to him for his work and poignant memories of him remain with the living.
wishing you a sunny day and congratulating you for putting one foot in front of the other.

Sent by liz | 10:49 AM ET | 09-05-2008

I miss him too.

Sent by jannette | 10:49 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Everyday a new challenge for you Laurie. i am sure that with grace and Laurie-like determination you will fair well. You are a remarkable person. I admire you.
I will think of Leroy alot tonight as I watch the telethon for cancer. I will think of all of our fallen brothers and sisters...with a heavy heart. Let us not forget what Leroy tried so hard and long to convey. WE MUST FIGHT THIS DISEASE...at every turn. It is our duty as survivors, caretakers loved ones and for those who fought the fight to the end.

Peace to all
Liz Z

Sent by liz Zimmerman | 10:53 AM ET | 09-05-2008

My prayers are still with you to ease your pain, and hope each day gets easier. Don't feel guilty to feel better.

Sent by Lori West | 10:55 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Big "golf clap" to you Laurie!!!

He left a huge imprint and will continue to do so with all the lives he touched that will pay it forward.

Peace and hugs to you.

Sent by Lori | 11:02 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Good Morning Laurie,
"Remembering a loved one and being able to talk and tell others about them",is such a helpful and healing process. Leroy isn't really gone....he is in your heart forever.
Page - Oregon

Sent by Page hendryx | 11:04 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Hi Laurie -
You are very much on the right track in preserving and telling Leroy's full story. It is through our stories and the people who tell them that we continue to live, grow change and share ourselves in community with others. I hope, when the time is right , as do others, that you find a way of publishing Leroy's journey - and perhaps bits about the journeys of those who traveled with him - both in person and on line - for a wider audience. He was a great example of some one who had cancer, overcame cancer, helped heal others in the process and didn't allow cqancer to over come his concern for the issues that plague the wider world. He - and you - continueto be assets and blessings for us all.

Vaya con Dios

John Shippee Glioblastoma st.4
Doing well in Atlanta, GA

Sent by John Shippe | 11:04 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Beautiful Nikki - Thank you. As time has progressed since your beloved Burge passed I have gleaned much from "seing" you go through your process. After my greatest loss of a loved one working the land helped me to heal. The farm became my refuge. With Love - Graham from Sag Harbor.

Thanks Tina from Alton! you were the one who coined "Leroy and Laurie's Army"

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 11:18 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Thanks for letting us accompany you.

In support and love!

Sent by Joan S. | 11:30 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, Good for you--a nice balance between having to settle end of life matters and telling about the real Leroy. What was the meeting if I may ask. Good luck and please feel the love.

Sent by Martha C. | 11:35 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, your ability to take care of business, no matter how hard it may be, is evidence that you have the strength to get through. There is still living to be done.
See you Monday.

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 11:44 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Sharing stories is a great way for memories of Leroy to live on. I am sure he was there lifting you during your discussion. I too can hear his voice through you. May the weekend bring you warm and loving memories filled with joy and calm.

We are here for you.

Sent by Alexis Redmond | 11:47 AM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, I am so glad you are continuing this blog. I think it must be a help to you as it was to Leroy. He helped other patients with his blog, as well as himself. In that same, you are helping others who have lost a loved one, just as you helping yourself. Thank you on behalf of all those who are coping with their losses right now.

Elizabeth

Sent by Elizabeth | 12:01 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, I just had to write...I need you to know that Leroy and you have affected people even beyond the cancer community. Me for one. I do not have cancer, I have not been touched in the most intimate way by cancer as Leroy, yourself as the loved one and caregiver and all the followers who have shared.. I have been reading Leroy's blog and listening to his Podcasts for over a year. I stayed back in the distance because I always felt that I did not have anything to contribute since I do not have cancer. I cannot tell you how much you and Leroy's journey, as well as the journeys shared by others have affected me.... I was shocked that he died so soon after you decided to use hospice, I wept and felt like I lost a friend...and you have also been continually on my heart and in my thoughts. The reason I wanted to write this is to tell you that there are people like me who may not have written to the blog, but have shared the journey with you all... who may deal with cancer in the future, who may get that diagnosis, who may have a loved one who gets this awful disease and will remember and be strenghened by what Leroy started and you have continued. What Leroy did by sharing his journey with cancer on this blog has really made an impact.....and you should be so proud of him. I wish you the best of everything. God Bless- you Laurie and all of you who have written.....- Theresa Roman

Sent by Theresa Roman | 12:05 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Good for you, Laurie! Even if it was hard, you did it -- you held back the tears long enough to tell your stories about a man with a huge heart and a strong commitment to his work, to help others know him better. Yes, Leroy made an indelible impression. I see life differently now because of him.Maybe some of his courage and humor rubbed off on those of us who came here to this blog every morning for the past couple of years? We can hope so, anyway.I miss him.

I think of you often and hope the weekend brings some moments of peace and happy memories.

Sent by Doris | 12:17 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,

Leroy would certainly be so proud of you, Laurie (as are we all). "A meeting about Leroy ..." ~ Might we hope that this meeting may have been in some way concerning Leroy's story (i.e., a book or a documentary or ... ???)?

Your devotion to "telling Leroy's stories in detail and with pride" are stories that we all want to hear. Tell 'em, girl! Tell as many of 'em as you wish! We all miss Leroy so very much, and your voice allows us a continued close communion.

One more thing ... Yesterday, I posted the poem, "The Dash" by Linda Ellis, thinking that it might speak a bit of what was so important (LEROY!) as you were tending to those darned impersonal details. Unfortunately, as I revisited all the wonderful posts last evening, I saw a glaring omission in my own typing, and it was somewhat key to the poem. :o( So, I would like to correct my error here by re-typing the line I sadly left out:

"...First came the date of his birth
And...the following date with tears,
But...what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years."

That "dash" ... That life ... !

As you sorrowfully mark two weeks of Leroy's life's transcendence today, know that we are all marking this day with you, and wishing you peace and some smiles amongst the tears.

With hopes for unexpected blessings over your weekend,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 12:20 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Hello Cworld community,

Tonight is "Stand Up to Cancer" on the major networks. A group of my friends and I are going to watch and pester our friends to donate. I plan on calling and talking about Leroy and Laurie and this blog. My tears are still falling while grieving for Leroy. He has given me the courage to speak up and I have vowed to myself that I will not lose this courage. We, including Laurie, when she is ready, need to speak up.

Sent by Kathy B. | 12:25 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,
The "business" of death is not written about much. Filing death certificates,
visiting lawyers, changing names of titles & mortgages, paying funeral bills, etc. It's a very time consuming, exhausting and surreal experience, often times impersonal & jarring. After the loss of my husband, I sent a copy of his death certificate to a major life insurance company with whom he had a policy. A few weeks later, on what would have been his 47th birthday, I received a form letter, indicating that I was NOT the beneficiary; rather, his son, "Frank" was named as
direct beneficiary----and btw, we did not have any sons, much less someone named Frank---unless he had some sort of secret life that I was not aware of!! Because it was a long holiday weekend, I could not call and rectify the situation with the insurance company immediately. When I did reach them, it was indeed a horrible mistake--the policy was so old that it was on microfiche and someone had read the information on the wrong line/person. Today, a decade later, I can
chuckle when I repeat this story. But at the time, it seemed like some sort of cruel joke, even though I realized it was probably human error.

Then there are those times when you sit with a friend or someone who knew and
loved Leroy and you share the stories of this amazing man & you laugh,
reminisce & shed some tears together. Or you attend an event held in his honor and you rise to the occasion and amaze yourself that you could do this.

But it's a roller coaster of emotions and even though people tell you how strong and courageous you are, there are many days that you feel so raw, vulnerable and alone. In those early
months, I was so envious of women who got to go home to/with their
husband/partner, to the safety, comfort and love of a life shared.

I hope our loss experiences help you through your journey just a wee bit. We continue to grieve with you and hope we can be your safety net, your cushion, your friends, who think of you and Leroy everyday. Hugs and peace, Nancy from Waukesha WI

Sent by Nancy B | 12:33 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, Tears will come when you least expect them. Happy you got the numbers out of your head. Leroy was far more than that; he was "BIG" in so many ways. We all miss him BIG also. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 12:39 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Hi Laurie,

I would like to share something with you about those tears...I was very close to my grandparents, and when my grandomther died, it was very hard for me, especially around the holidays. Being from a large Polish family, food figures prominently in our celebrations. I especially missed some of the foods I associated with my grandparents. One day about a week before Christmas, I decided I was ready to take the tears and grief and do something with them. I got out the family recipie for pierogi, and made a batch (something I had never done before). Well, I cried a lot, and made only a few subpar ones. The next year, I cried a little less, and made a few more. This has gone on for the last 20 years. I now cry a little, but find I laugh more about good memories of my grandparents. My daughter now helps me with the pierogi. We have a huge Christmas Eve dinner, inviting our family of friends to join us in our "pierogi fest". So, I've kneaded my sorrow into the dough, and over time have come up with something wonderful to remember my grandparents and keep them alive in our hearts. When my time comes, I hope my daughter is able to do the same. When the time is right, you will know what to do with your tears for Leroy, to keep him alive in your heart and life.

Sent by Nancy Kowalski | 12:45 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
Telling other's about Leroy is now your job. It's okay to have tears because depending on the day almost 18 years later, a good story of my dad brings back tears. Glad you had a good of remembering. Holding you tight in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, because what you have to say is everything as important to the process of living with cancer as what Leroy shared with us. Hope you enjoy a good fall weekend.

Sent by Kim Schmidt | 12:51 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie - You never know where your strength comes from, but with time talking about Leroy may end up being one of your favorite conversation. I LOVE to hear stories about my brother and my Mom and I still talk about them all the time. (Dino died in 1985, Mom in 2001).

I remember several times when I have had to force myself to "keep it together".

And my Mom still cried at "inappropriate times" about her son dying for the rest of her life.

You are human and strength and tears are part of the package.

much love to you! You go girl!

Liz L

Sent by Liz L. | 12:55 PM ET | 09-05-2008

You are my hero, Laurie! Continuing to lift...

Sent by patty | 1:07 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Kathleen Blanco, former Governor of Louisiana, in recounting the death of her son in an industrial accident, said that they still treated him as a member of the family. So I think of Leroy as still a part of this large cyber family, full of joys and sorrows.

Sent by N. Holmes | 1:08 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,

Cancer and suicide seem to be the things members of my family die of. Each death leaves a hole in my heart.
I come from a family where nothing is ever talked about. Whereas, I really wish it would be talked about. Somehow, I've been blessed to have people in my life who have taught me that it's okay to talk, to tell our stories. Somehow I'm still surviving, even though I still have days where I don't want to survive another minute.

One of the biggest things I admire about Leroy, from the beginning, and I also admire about you, is y'all's ability to put words to your experience, your joys, your suffering, your happiness, and your pain.

This place, "My Cancer," gets me through each day, more than I can give words to right now.

Thank you for having the courage to continue speaking the truth of your experience now. My heart aches for your loss, still. I miss Leroy too.
And my loss of a man who changed my life through his blog is so small compared to your loss of the man who shared his life with you in such amazing ways, your partner, in life, love, happiness, and now grief.

I think you are an amazing human being, Laurie. Thanks for showing up here today. It's totally okay -- when there are tears, and when the tears stay inside.

Caring, compassion, love, are all being sent your way.

Heartlight,

Kim

Sent by Kim | 1:26 PM ET | 09-05-2008

I'd like ditto what JCR was referring to earlier, i.e. "hearing" the person you just lost. That happens to me all the time and it really helps. I hear my mom's voice, her laugh, her advice. It just happens. Let these auditory memories of Leroy comfort you and get you through these difficult days with bills and phone calls and such. It's good that you can deal with things without tears when you want to but don't be afraid to cry, even if it happens in public. That's an important part of grieving.

Sent by Linnea | 1:41 PM ET | 09-05-2008

"Leroy" (For Laurie)

L ives large in this space
E ternally embraces you
R esounds in your voice
O ffers presence in words left behind
Y et lights your way

From Maureen in Arlington, Va.

Sent by Maureen Doallas | 1:46 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

My husband died last week (8-27-08). We have been just steps behind you on this awful journey (except for his diagnosis which was May 2007). He joined hospice just a few days after Leroy. Thank you for continuing to comfort many of us.

I do think that this blog should eventually be turned into a book. That way Leroy could continue to help many others for years to come. When my husband was first diagnosed we got the book "Living with Colon Cancer - Beating the Odds." by Eliza Wood Livingston. It helped but, unfortunately, not all of us beat the odds.

We first heard about this blog on a colon cancer forum that I looked at. We read all the archives, in reverse order so that things made sense chronologically. It involved a lot of scrolling up and down and it would be a lot easier to read it in a book!

Sent by Lyda Rose | 2:01 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

Your comments of the last couple of days made me think about this paragraph I posted last week in the "scars of cancer" post:

I can't throw out the canes. They're in an umbrella stand next to the front door, along with Terry's umbrella. With everything I've thrown out or lost along the way, it's important to me to have the canes and umbrella there, to silently tell visitors that Someone Was Here. A life was lived here, and it mattered.

It occurs to me now, although it hadn't before, that maybe the assortment of canes is a s1/4onscious reaction to feeling like Terry was being erased or reduced to a number on a government form.

Interesting insight.

Sent by Bruce | 2:54 PM ET | 09-05-2008

I agree with Bruce - the tears will come and there is nothing you or anyone can do about it. It happens to me at some of the weirdest times too. It is ok to cry - but I am glad that you can talk about him and not cry too.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 3:00 PM ET | 09-05-2008

what this blog has become is just as important as what this blog was when leroy was writing it. It has switched from dealing with the illness, to dealing with the grief and it is an equally important issue.
We're keeping you in our thoughts

Sent by Brooke | 3:30 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie: You can say that again, Leroy was not a number. He stood for something great. He will never be forgotten. I read every word he wrote about his cancer. Now, I read every word you say, because you know. I remember when the doctor walked in with no hesitation and told Ashton at 16 your have cancer. How cold.... Then when she was 20 he told her bluntly, you have three weeks to live. She believed she was going to beat the cancer until he told her that and she stopped trying. I ask why, did you tell her such a thing. I pay her bills, she has no will to make, no arrangements to make, he really let her die at that moment. Leroy was so strong to tell his story because it helped so many people. You do not realize how much you help others. Tell it like it is. Cry whenever you want to, and go right on. Tears help us, even thought I do not think we every completely heal. If only doctors know what we know, maybe they would handle things a little different. The confidentiality.... I would tell them I do not care who you tell, tell anybody that calls. AGAIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Sent by mAVIS | 3:34 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Thinking of you today and smiling that you moved over another hurdle and looked back and made it your own.

Sent by eaf | 3:36 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie- Oh it is so easy to see why Leroy thought so much of, and loved you so much. Thank you for allowing us to grieve with you.

I cried several times reading the blog and responses a couple of days ago, especially Laurie Hirth's about sitting with her husband and his last Christmas. There is a tremendous price to pay for a true loving relationship when one or the other dies. But, through the tears, I bet every person would say the love was worth the eventual tears.

This blog has far more effect of people than you can imagine.

Sent by linda h. | 3:58 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

I'm sure the pride came through loud and clear. There is so much to be proud of.

I'd guess that somewhere Leroy is proud too.

Continued lifting from here and prayers for you and Leroy.

Sent by Geoff | 4:07 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie,
Tonight when I do the cancer walk-a-thon, Leroy will be in my thoughts.
You continue to amaze me.
Love to you.

Sent by Jenifer | 4:23 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Good job, Laurie.

You see, it really is getting through one day at a time, one meeting at a time, one holiday at a time. We LG survivors may not like, in fact we hate it, but damn! life goes on even when we think, know that it shouldn't. And we discover that the strength that helped us help our loved one is still there, just being used in a different direction.

Be kind to yourself; you're doing well; Leroy is proud of you.

Hugs and lifting prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 4:38 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

I'm so glad you were able to be in the meeting w/o crying. I'm also glad the tears came later.There are times to be in control and times to let go. I'm proud of you. Hope you are proud of yourself.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 6:27 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
I just wanted to pass on something that helped me during my grief. There will come a time to sort through objects. It will be hard, it will make you smile, and it will hurt. I felt stuck, torn between feeling disloyal for not enshrining every comb or pair of glasses. It just seemed impossible to throw away personal items. Finally a friend gave me a box. He told me to put anything that I couldn't part with in the box. I didn't have to throw the box away. I could keep the boxes forever if I wanted to, or I could sort through them again later if I felt ready. It sounds silly but it helped. Somehow just knowing that I didn't have to make yet another final decision helped me to actually do the impossible and sort through all the little physical objects that hold so many memories. Don't let anyone rush you. You'll know when you're ready. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sent by Diana | 6:28 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Today is the 1st anniversary of my craniotomy for a oligodendrogioma. It is also 11 weeks since my husband of 14 years died of colon cancer. I identify with both Leroy and Laurie being both a patient and a caregiver.

Laurie, please keep writing. It means so much to me to hear from someone who is going through much the same thing as I am.

Sent by Jenny | 6:40 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie-
Thank you for sharing. I wish that I had this blog to come to after my dad died 3 and a half years ago. I thought that I was abnormal because the tears would appear at the oddest times. Now I know it is a normal part of grieving. So-be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry when you need to.

Mavis's email shocked me with the coldness of the physician. So this is for everyone who has a doctor like that: RUN, immediately. Bernie Siegel, a very wise cancer surgeon at Yale tells people, if you can't talk to your doctor about EVERYTHING, find another doctor. You are in a very vulnerable point in you life when you have cancer-do not let a doctor intimidate you or take away your hope.

Again for Laurie....We're still lifting.

Sent by Kim | 7:03 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
The tears seem to come at some of the craziest times, and other times that I think will bring on the tears, I make it OK.
As usual, thanks to Laurie Hirth for saying what I feel also.

God bless all,
Jane

Sent by Jane in AR | 7:39 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Hi Laurie,
It must have been very hard to keep it together - good job!! Still thinking of you and reading every day.

Linda

Sent by LindaK | 8:16 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie, Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I feel so privedleged to have "known" Leroy through the blog, and now you. Where can we see more photos of our giant-sized friend? I treasure the few I have seen, and the sharing the you and Leroy have offered. It is a precious gift. Thank you. Radha from St. John.

Sent by Radha Speer | 8:46 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,
I emailed a friend today who lost his father to cancer this week. He said he was doing OK, but that they really should call id GSD leave, not bereavement leave. GSD as in "Getting Stuff Done" - all that stuff you're going through. It is a cruel society where we have to place GSD in front of the really important stuff like bereavement! Of course, bereavement takes a long, long time... Maybe forever... Or at least until you meet up with that person again...

Be strong and know that the army is still out here lifting.

Sent by Linda | 8:51 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, you are a champ! Have a lovely weekend filled with happy memories. Sending hugs your way.

Sent by Paulette | 9:26 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie, I find myself constantly wanting to do the same thing! Talk about the great life that was lived, squeezed into too few years.
I very much appreciate you taking the time and the emotioanl energy to continue this blog. I cant say that strongly enough. I had often wished that you had co=blogged with Leroy...sharing The ups and downs only the loved ones can relate to. If you stopped the blog today or never had started it it would be understanding which is why its so appreciated.
I did not like it when Mrs Edwards put you in the spotlight during the question and answer part of the first special leroy and Koppel put together. You probably dont remember it and i am sure that Mrs Edwards didnt intend it in anything but a positive way. I think that at times the patients dont know what we go through....Leroy and my husband did. It was another thing that made them both special...
My thougts and prayers go out daily to the supporters and loved ones touched by the blessings and horrors that come with fighting this beast.

Sent by Maureen | 9:28 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Dear Laurie, for many reasons, I found that weekends were the hardest. I just wanted you to know that I'm sending good thoughts and lots of hugs your way. I so remember the pain, the loss, the yearning to see and hear him just one more time. Be sweet to yourself, nurture yourself and allow those around you to do the same.

Sent by annie | 10:51 PM ET | 09-05-2008

You're incredible. It can be empowering to stop the tears and the overwhelming sorrow. I think Leroy would be pleased and happy that you told his stories and let other's know about the big guy in your life. His impact will be there with you everyday--and it will become less painful-share the stories-I think more people need to share the stories of the good ones, the loved ones who aren't here to share them themselves-we all need more of the good stories. Keep sharing and let those tears come when they do. You're really strong and it's impossible not to continue telling your stories of Leroy!! And, I loved the poem that Maureen in Arlington wrote for you today. It was just beautiful.

Sent by michele in chicago | 11:05 PM ET | 09-05-2008

Laurie,

I made a donation to STANDUP TO CANCER in Leroy's name. I pray they find a way to stop these cancers.

Sadly, these numbers are the necessary evil we must live with.

Thank you for standing up for Leroy because you stand up for us too.

Love Bunches, Carole

Sent by Carole | 12:00 AM ET | 09-06-2008

Laurie,
I continue each day to be amazed at your strength. I know Leroy must be so proud of you. I can't pretend to know what you are feeling but you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I learned so much from Leroy about what my husband might be feeling or thinking and I am learning a lot from you on what I might be facing. My husband is starting to have symptoms again that worry me but I am trying to be optimistic and blaming the headaches on anything but the possibility of a return of the brain tumor. I hate this disease and what it does to us. Here's lifting to all of us.

Sent by Kathie | 12:31 AM ET | 09-06-2008

Laurie,
In 1999, I suddenly lost my husband of 28 years. Like a knife thru my heart. What comforted me (besides friends and family) was a book called Journey of Souls by Michael Newcomb (or Newsome). He explains the soul world where Leroy has now returned. It's such a wonderful place, so much more "satisfying" than the gauzy descriptions of "heaven". Reading the book helped me understand that there is a plan for each person's life and a purpose to improve the depth and quality of the soul (what "lasts" past death). Reading this book will help you thru the low points on the roller coaster. There is no steady upward "progress" to grief. Your spirits will rise and fall unpredictably. My thoughts are with you as you heal and go on. Love, Sunnie

Sent by Sunnie Blomquist | 9:34 AM ET | 09-06-2008

Laurie, the community mourns with you and celebrates with you as you honor Leroy so eloquently with the continuation of this moving blog. My thoughts are with you.

Sent by jen | 2:21 PM ET | 09-06-2008

ok, I got a call from the Cyber Knife Dr.

My pet scan showed that only 'one' node is active! YEAH The chemo got the other one.

I do have multi very very very small nodes that no-one knows what they are. They have been there a 'long time' and 'never' changed. My lupus Dr. thinks they could be enlarged lupus nodes (which people do/can get from lupus.) After getting this pet scan report the (cancer) Dr. seems to maybe agree. For this reason he (cyber knife Dr.) would like to biopsy one and see what they are. If they are are what we think they are then I will probably be getting the 'only one node that is active' cyber knife off! YES! This is a very easy and safe procedure and is done out at U of M Michigan. And, I am very excited to possibly be getting it!
Your still in my thoughts and prayers every day Laurie

Sent by sue | 4:42 PM ET | 09-06-2008

I hear you, Laurie. I lost my husband this past February and, like Leroy, he was a well respected newsman - bigger than life. And I remember the endless phone calls where he became a "number" ... and i was passed on and on and on .... and sending death certificates, etc., And the hospital and doctor bills, and the dealing with insurance, doctors, etc., It does get better ... and when all the paper work is done and the "number" becomes Leroy again, you will go on.

Sent by Linda | 9:13 PM ET | 09-06-2008

Cancer patients needs alots or support from family and friends @mt Church Capitol City Seventh Day Adventist Church the Pastor R.Horton anotied a lady that has cancer.This lady is in great spirit.Support Support Support is need like their meds they take.

Sent by Charles Wilson | 9:14 PM ET | 09-06-2008

Laurie,

You are not alone. It's taken almost a full year for me to be able to speak of my father without choking up. I hate to sound cliche, but it gets easier. I was always so proud of him and I want to let everyone know what a great person he was, but it hasn't been easy. Only now am I getting my voice back.

You are Leroy will always be in my thoughts. Thanks for everything.

-Christina

Sent by christina | 10:39 PM ET | 09-06-2008

Laurie,

My mother, my sister and I still have moments (a year and some since my father passed) when we have to "get it together," and then cry buckets later because of an account, vehicle, mortgage, utility, pension... Sometimes later isn't much later, either.

It really is unfortunate when people have forgotten that their business involves raw, painful loss of a loved one for someone else.

So proud of you for standing up for YOUR Leroy, telling his story, continuing his legacy. Hope you can feel us lifting... (1, 2, 3!)

Sent by cancer PT | 12:25 AM ET | 09-07-2008

Join our official Facebook page to support the study of cancer.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=26431629505&ref=ts

Together, we can make a difference!

Sent by pkym1 | 9:13 AM ET | 09-07-2008

"It's hard to make
room for what
is no longer there;

it's so much larger now,
boulders blocking
our throats, our breath.
Even the air
weighs like granite
and fills every waking
space so that moving
becomes an infinite
staying in place,
small gestures pressing,
chafing our flesh.

In time
enclosed in the hot
ash of our grief,
something chisels
pinholes of light;
we feel our breathing
expand around us,
sounds of cracking
signal widening fissures,
rivulets of life come back
to us.

One day what we lost
still remains, but we can walk
through it, a stream washing
and lapping our way."

Poem by Mary E. Martin

Lori-- peace to you.

Sent by mickey | 11:55 AM ET | 09-07-2008

Laurie, it is good to continue to hear from you on the blog. The healing process is long and difficult, and one that never really ends. I do find myself starting to smile a little when hearing you talk about Leroy, whereas before the memories only brought a tear. Our best wishes are with you.

Sent by Sid Frede | 12:19 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I CAN'T FIND my tears. My John passed away on August 28th after such a long, long fight with thyroid cancer and I can't find my tears. There is so much to be done and school started for the kids and there's always something to keep me busy but aren't I supposed to get some tears? His dad and I watched the football game without him and every eye was dry. Where are out tears?

Sent by michelle | 11:45 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Michelle

Maybe that's the way you're grieving now, silently, without tears. I think we grieve differently for different people.

When Terry's dad died, I cried. When Terry died, I cried.

My own father died over two years ago, and I have yet to shed a single tear. That doesn't mean I don't grieve or miss him, it's just the grief for him didn't come with tears.

Sent by Bruce | 4:24 PM ET | 09-10-2008