I don't think that anything will be the same; and for one who DOES NOT LIKE CHANGE, therefore, everything will be tinged with sadness. Just take care of Laurie and G-d bless you and I hope and pray that he will continue to give you the strength that you need to get through each day. You know that all of us love you and are lifting

Sent by janice goldberg white | 9:11 AM ET | 09-08-2008

oh yes it would be great to have his voice and words about that sarah palin... we need more words about that woman. maybe Leroy is in a place where he can really help us . help leroy.. can you hear us?we really need your help
hang in there...

Sent by jody Salem | 9:20 AM ET | 09-08-2008

For me, it's the Christmas season in December. The whole month. It was my Mom's birthday month and my brother died two days before her birthday. In the midst of celebrating and making happy traditions for my children, I always light candles and shed tears for them too.

You are lucky: you know what he would have thought. I just get to speculate.

Enjoy the sun today - hope you have a good day!!!!!!!!!!

Sent by Liz L. | 9:21 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
You are so right, it's just not the same. It has been 10 months and it is still not the same for me. I'm not sure it will ever be the same. It feels like I'm living for someone else. I'm just going thru the motions of living, because without my Rock with me it just isn't the same. Sure I still have fun and enjoy things but not like I would if I had him with me to enjoy it. It's like doing things just to do them. I know that sounds so sad but he was part of me and now I don't have him here. I miss him so bad it hurts. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids. I know how hard it is for you. There is so many of us out here that are hurting because someone we love has been taken because of something that they can't find a cure for. Know that we must go on to honor them. We must live for them. I pray that we will all be together someday. Keep strong Laurie,and thanks for sharing with us. Some how it helps to know that we aren't alone. God Bless you.

Sent by Aurella | 9:22 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Good morning Laurie!

No, things are not the same. Things will never be the same...

Dad loved the fall season. We would rake leaves, go look for persimmons and paw paws in the back fields of the farm. We'd go gather walnuts from the century old walnut tree. Dad would ride his tractor or ATV.

I went to his grave site yesterday--the only one not covered in grass in that area of the cemetery.

I miss you Daddy! I want to know you are alright!

Somehow though, I doubt we've seen the last of the cancer center. I believe we will be there again.

Sending you love today Laurie...Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 9:30 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,
My ex-husband will have been gone eight years on September 20. It was a long time before I could talk about him without crying which embarrassed me. Even though we were divorced we were still friends once the anger was gone. There are still times when I wish I could tell him something or joke about something. He had a great sense of humor. I remember almost all good things now. I am so glad I have those good memories.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:45 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Big hugs Laurie. One day at a time. One season at a time.

Wishing you peace.

Sent by Lori | 9:46 AM ET | 09-08-2008

I can see Leroy being Sarah Palin for halloween. As a friend of mine said, "she is so scary."

We often see the poem about what cancer can't take away from us. Three years ago when I was diagnosed I was scheduled to take off for Machi Picchu, obviously that did not happen. Well, in spite of all the chemo, surgery, and procedures over the past three years I just returned from Peru. No, I didn't get all the way to the top but I climbed higher than I thought I would be able to. I was fortunate to have good friends who knew how much I wanted to do this trip and decided two months ago that they magically had a passion to go. When I booked the trip I couldn't imagine doing it as I was doing a clinical trial that made me feel lousy. However, I did it and looking around at the beauty of the mountains and experiencing the beautiful Peruvian people I no longer feel guilty that my friends did this trip for me.

My oncolgist called me before the trip to let me know my CEA was rising and I know we are about out of options but this trip is not something that cancer took away. Peace

Sent by Dona | 9:49 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
Fall and football, politics, its not the same anymore. I was the sports nut in our family, not my husband. Pro football was one of the few sports we watched together and it just isnt the same. Even the college game doesnt hold my interest like it did.
Im thankful that he really hated baseball. SO thankful. Its always been one of my favorites. Its also on almost every day and the season is long. Its been almost a year since his death. I hope it changes with time. I hope to feel like im alive again.

I think about the journey that we are on..and i am thankfu to have your voice out there, echoing my feelings on so many things.
Thank you god for Baseball and Laurie

Sent by Maureen | 10:02 AM ET | 09-08-2008

I guess this is a new season, a season for remembering.

Friday I spent the day at Dana Farber in Boston getting scanned. It's 13 months NED for me!!! I barely got myself home and crashed (sick from contrast dye and thankfully not chemo) till Saturday AM. Scan days seem to exist on a time/space continuum all their own. The emotional energy expended alone can wipe you out, not to mention the waiting room...

Thinking of you all fondly,
Debra Altschiller

Sent by Debra in New Hampshire | 10:06 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Yeah, we watch games and nap, and I've been watching all my life, so I'll make a comment, then the announcer will say the same thing. 'Didn't I just say that?'.

Still in a position to enjoy, knowing bad news could come again some day.

Thinking of you daily.

Sent by Jack | 10:09 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,

My heart goes out to you. How touching it is that you share these special times with us as we learn of the breadth and depth of your relationship with Leroy the closeness and intimancy you both shared; and then have it seemingly torn from you. Love and loss does seem cruel at times. The heart cries out "how can this be...my love, my muse now gone..."

I saw it in the face of my suddenly dead dear friend Jane's husband this morning... Bill (Jane's Husband) was walking down the streets of Sag Harbor very early this morning. I stopped Bill and asked him how he was doing...He did not look good...Then I asked why he was walking these streets so early when he lived in East Hampton?? He said he and Jane used to walk together through the streets of East Hampton every morning. He just couldn't walk there anymore and he likes Sag Harbor so he walks here...My heart was heavy for him and I felt the loss of Jane too. We looked in each others eyes, teared and embraced.

My heart is heavy for you too Laurie. I would look into your eyes and hug you too. For I feel in my own little way...(compared to you)...the loss of this great man named Leroy. And I too have been through similarly profound deep losses. And they all connect in one's heart when another loss occurs of someone that touched your heart like Leroy did. Hang in there! It beats the alternative. Love from Sag Harbor - Graham.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 10:10 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Things change when someone we love gets cancer, and when they leave us we are never the same. The sharing of life's events, big and small, comments, funny moments, times when a look is enough to know what each other is thinking - it all goes. This is what I fear the most - the loneliness and emptiness without David, my soulmate. I try not to let my fears cloud my time with him now, but it is so hard.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 10:18 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,

I know what you mean about the season. I had always loved the fall, when the air gets a little crisp feel, as fresh as unbreathed air, colors start to change and a little blanket feels so snuggly. But no more will I ever feel that without the sad twinge of remembering this was the season when my dear sweet David was fading from me so quickly. I guess you call it a bittersweet memory. September 2006 through the winter of 06 was the worst time in my life. Will I ever get to enjoy this time of year again? Maybe.

Hoping you find the strength to see some beauty in the season. Til you make it through some time, all of the seasons will be hard at first. Just hang in there let the memories carry you forward. We are here to share and help each other as best we can.

Wishing you a calm heart and peaceful memories.

Sent by Janice from Troy AL | 10:33 AM ET | 09-08-2008

It seemed Leroy could discuss even the controversial topics with humor, grace and zest. He was so easy to listen to. I can't imagine how hugely you must miss him.
I too would like to hear what he'd have to say about "that Sarah Palin" as well. I think we are in desperate need of someone to speak up with commonsense about the idea that she could be the Vice-President of this very very complex country and heal our broken economy and heal our broken foreign relations and heal.........well the list goes on and on unfortunately of what needs healing. She'd win my vote for a popularity contest anyday - but what a frightening, yes scary, thought that she could be the Vice-President and of course potentially the president of this country.

Leroy where are you?

Laurie thank you for continued writing, I think of you everyday.

Nancy O

Sent by Nancy Oliveri | 10:38 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
Two months ago I had surgery, and over the weekend I participated in a 62 mile relay race. I needed that race to inspire me through the next surgery coming up in a few weeks. Leroy & you inspire me too. Thank you for keeping the blog going, and sharing your feelings. It is tough to be a patient, but I think it is even harder to love a patient.

Sent by Margaret | 10:44 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,
I feel the same way you do. Last night, I watched "60 Minutes" by myself and had trouble acknowledging the fact that my husband wssn't going to walk in and join me. When I cry because I miss him, I feel awful and when I distract myself from thinking about him, I feel guilty. Is this how it's supposed to be?

Sent by Elaine | 10:45 AM ET | 09-08-2008

OH Laurie,

My heart goes out to you as the season's change. I am thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. My small family has gotten smaller, dad is gone. Less food to buy, meals to prepare, or tables to set. I think, I hate thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I may have to stay busy doing something anything but thinking. I dread those days coming. We are here for you...

1-2-3 Lifting....

Sent by Sue Chap | 10:52 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, I suppose there will always be something to act as a reminder of just how much you miss Leroy. But please do not let it take away all of the enjoyment that you once experienced with Leroy by your side. Rest assured that he is still with you in spirit and this can be your new norm. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Sent by Jeanne Stevens | 10:55 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Hi Laurie,
Your missive today was so touching. I remember thinking when I lost my father how different the air smelled. And the colors of the world, they were flat and garish at the same time. Nothing was the same. How I wish there was a way to bypass the pain. I'm not sold on the "pain is necessary" theory, but we have no choice, do we? The curse of being human. I hope you find some peace today.

Sent by Sharon | 11:15 AM ET | 09-08-2008

After Pat died some one told me that the first full cycle of seasons would be the hardest. She was right.

Just before Christmas that first year, one of my students gave me a nutcracker for a gift. I'm glad I hadn't opened it at school-when I did I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach-I couldn't breathe. Pat loved nutcrackers and had a large collection of them. I still haven't been able to do any kind of decorations for any holiday. Pat was like a little kid and enjoyed every one of them. They're his--I can't own them yet.

Hang in there Laurie. It doesn't get better but it does get easier.

Hugs and lifting prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 11:19 AM ET | 09-08-2008

No, the seasons will never be the same. There will always be reminders of how much you loved doing those seasonal activities together, and always sadness. But the memories add richness along with the heartache. One of many lessons I learned from Leroy was to live life fully, with exuberence. So in his honor let's all watch those football games, get involved in political campaigns, speak our minds about Palin and others, go to Macchu Piccu (good for you, Dona!), dress up for Halloween, and laugh as often as we can amidst the tears.

Sent by Doris | 11:21 AM ET | 09-08-2008

To build rituals is wonderful. While the loss of them is so painful, they later become loving reminders of a life well shared.

Sent by N. Holmes | 11:44 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, the cycle of the seasons, natural and human-imposed, was one of the hardest things for me after Kerry died. The first year I was caught in "this time last year we..." and after the second year I grieved that I could no longer say "This time last year we..." In time the seasons did acquire new patterns and it got easier - but your post this morning sure reverberated. I'm still lifting here.

Sent by Victoria Hendricks | 11:51 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, Seasons here are not so significant as yours, but I do know what you mean. Don't know exactly what to think of Palin, guess we will see. The Hurricane Season seems to be stacking up out there, could be very bad. And Football did not start out so well Tom Brady out for the Season in less than an instant. So fragile all of it. Thoughts, Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 11:52 AM ET | 09-08-2008

I didn't get enough sleep last night, kept tossing and turning. Then had to get up for my first "masters' swim class this morning which made me nauseous and sea sick. A run is on my schedule for this afternoon and I seriously want to pass on it. But I'm sensing that you need some of that postive energy sent your way, so as I head out the door; Laurie, this one's for you!!

Sent by Missy Patterson | 11:56 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Yes, it is so very hard , so very very hard. But Leroy is with you, Laurie, he will always be in your heart, your mind and will continue to "season" each of your falls, winters, springs and summers. Bittersweet, but with you.

Sent by Lucy Groh from Alaska | 11:58 AM ET | 09-08-2008

Lots of anniversaries and special times of the year to deal with. I think Queen Elizabeth said it best (following the World Trade Center attack):"Grief is the price you pay for love."

Sent by Shirley | 12:35 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
Take a long walk and remember all the wonderful times you had together. Then begin to write a poem that will remind you of this life with Leroy. You will have this with you and can bring it out wherever you are. Has been good therapy for me with my loses.
Rosemary

Sent by rosemary | 12:41 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, I too am not sure anything will ever feel the same again. I am going through the motions of life. I go to work and come home. Anything beyond that almost demands too much. My husband was always so full of life; he never met a stranger. He made people laugh. There is a big empty space left. It has now been 3 months and feels like a life time. I hope as time goes on that somewhat of a new normal will not seem so empty.

I am very thankful that I have a job that demands my attention while there. It keeps me busy for about 12 hours a day but then there is the time to come back home and to real life that is always there.

Laurie, we don't have a choise but to just continue to take things one day at a time. But I certainly do appreciate you and all of the others in this community who have made things easier by knowing that we are all just trying to get through these times. I miss Leroy too.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 1:12 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Hi Laurie,
The holidays will be here before we know it. I was thinking, why not plan a trip. It will be tough getting through that first holiday season. You may enjoy the change of scene and discover new interests. Hugs.

Sent by Paulette | 1:23 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie and Everyone:

I, being so grateful to God, must bring another perspective. My mother is still with me - after almost dying last year. The chemo that has her cancer in remission right now (as far as we know) almost killed her, but I spent yesterday at the lake with her, and I thought those days were over. I took a picture of her on a Jet-Ski and she was giving it heck! I have never been more proud of anyone in my life. Knowing what I know now - I literally drank in the day, knowing it may never come again, and I was so thankful. The next scans may bring more bad news, or some other bad news for another member of our family may come, but let me say again how thankful I am to have that day, and this day. I wish for you all peace, joy, happiness, and comfort for whatever stage in life you happen to be in, and for whatever life brings you.

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 1:27 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I used to look forward with desperate hope to the end of "the firsts".

Foolishly I believed that the "seconds, thirds, and fourths" would be completely different.

I was so wrong.

But if I am able to look back that means I can actually see through the grief.

I think of you at so many unexpected times in the day - wonder where you are in your process.

thank you thank you thank you for letting us in,

and for telling us that our affection lift you up.

Sent by eaf | 1:44 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Yes, both the seasons and all the events and places you shared with Leroy will be a different experience now. Anne Morrow Lindberg wrote about that experiences decades ago, and it comes true in every life who outlives a loved one. You have memories, and the imprint Leroy created on your life, and now you have new frontiers of your own. It will take time for them to feel like something other than bereft of Leroy. But that day will come, and it will be no disrespect to Leroy when it does. Sending you much care!

Sent by Sarah | 1:46 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,

Thinking of you; continuing to mourn Leroy with you; sending polar bear hugs to you - in honor of Leroy and with a nod from my stuffed polar bear of the same name. ("Leroy the bear" rides with me in the backseat of my car, clutching a velvety soft heart between his two big paws, serving as a sweet reminder of your Leroy, of you, and of what's important in all of our lives ...)

I wish Leroy-the-man was still a physical, vocal presence for you and for us all. (Oh, to hear his subtle musings on the current state of the political campaigns!) His light and his humor are so deeply missed; and yet, we are blessed with the treasure of YOU, Laurie, and the memories and insights that Leroy has provided to us all.

Thank you for keeping in touch with us, and for telling it like it is. If only we could make it easier for you ...

Love to you,

Kim Forester

Sent by Kim Forester | 1:58 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Hi Laurie,
To experience the sadness of grief of a loved one is soooo difficult. I hope writting these blog entries are helping you.

Take care and be gentle with yourself

Kaen

Sent by Karen | 1:59 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
Had been keeping up with the blog until we moved, on August 16. I too saw the signs but hoped they were wrong, death is always a surprise. Logging in today, i felt guilty for missing that painful moment,
just as I missed the critical moment of my mom's. So much warmth coming your way and so much praise for your courage and support. These special people are shaping our future.

Sent by laurie Koc | 2:12 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie:

You are right when you say nothing will be the same, but sometimes we forget that even with our loved ones, things continually change. My challenge is trying to imagine how Burge would handle or fit into those changes.

This weekend, I realized (acknowledged) that I am alone...I mean really alone...when it come to controlling my life. My boys are here, but they are starting to move on with their lives and I will have to stop counting on them to "fill in" for Burge. My oldest is running the farm, but as time goes, I realize that I am still the one who owns the farm and needs to step up to pass along my wishes and experience. There is that old saying that "a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life." I have only sons! I'm going to have to become my old "independent" self sooner rather than later.

I know I have told you before about one song that I know Burge calls my attention too when I need a boost. (I say calls my attention too because I know he doesn't "have it played" but when it does, he wants me to pay attention to it.) It's "My Wish" by Rascal Flats and it was playing in a Sportsman Warehouse in Colorado Springs where I drove to see...yes, my dear Democrats friends...Sarah Palin. :>) For Burge, it would be a sign that I was coming back to my self and I felt he was approving.

It's hard, but I know as time goes, we will continue on to the end we are destined for and I look forward to seeing Burge when I get there.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 2:25 PM ET | 09-08-2008

My boyfriend died almost 9 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I remember being angry and confused as to why life just went on, why everyone was laughing and doing what they do. didn't they KNOW that life was tragic? Life gets all mixed up and then I found it settles down into a new place, like falling leaves.

Some time in the future you may be able to see things differently and notice the
good things. It does take time and no you dont get over it but it just takes a different shape.

Blessings to you today Laurie!

Sent by jenngie | 2:26 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I think the thing I miss most is not being able to share a laugh about something that only he and I would find funny. Matching senses-of-humor, if you will. Or browsing through a catalog and finding the perfect gift for someone who won't receive it because they are gone. So many little things that contribute to our grief; but eventually the good memories will help ease the pain --- rather than intensify it.

Sent by Marilyn Trujillo | 2:30 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I have been reading this blog for over a year when my very close friend introduced me to it. You see she was diagnosed with lung cancer about the same time as Leroy and one of her nurses told her about it. When my beloved brother was diagnosed with the same type of lung cancer in 2007 my friend knew this blog would be helpful to us. I lost my only brother last year to this horrible disease and just 2 weeks ago my dear friend that had courageously fought this battle passed away. Every day for the last year and a half we would read Leroy's column first thing in the morning and call each other and talk about how much it meant to us and helped us to read another's thoughts about what we were going through. She, as a cancer patient and me as a person who had watched someone they loved slip away. This is the first time I have written a comment. It is hard to share my feelings about cancer and how it has touched my life the last two years. It is interesting that my friend told us a few weeks ago that she felt she and Leroy were on the same track and they died within two days of each other. I have continued to read the blog every morning since my friend died and do feel for you Laurie and what you are going through. It is very difficult for me to share my feelings about cancer and I have not commented before because it is hard, but I have been so disappointed today to read the political comments some have made. I am sorry some feel that this is a forum to express their political viewpoints and say ridiculous things like Sara Palin is scary. Please encourage your readers to use the blog as support for cancer patients and their families and friends, not as a political forum, whatever their viewpoint is.

Sent by Marilyn | 2:40 PM ET | 09-08-2008

The seasons and often special days or events cause the memories to flow. Today the memories are very painful. My hope is that over time the pain is less for you but the memories aer still very much alive.

For me Christmas is somewhat mixed in that the joy of the season and gifts for the grand kids is really special. However, my mother died on Christmas night from Alzheimers. If she chose this time it was because she was a Christian and to go Home on the Saviour's birthday would have been her choice. She was 88. Two weeks later her sister, who had played a major role in her care, died on her birthday. Coincidence, I think not. She was 90. I cannot explain it but just accept it as a beautiful thing.

Prayers and blessings for you Laurie as always.

Sent by Al cato | 3:06 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Good advice Marilyn. Just as we are all Americans, we are all united against cancer. Politics has no place here.

Sent by Dave | 3:39 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie, everything changes, we change, no matter how much we try to stay "the same" But still we wish we did not. It is very difficult what you are going through....I can asure you that time...will help...and one day you will remember and smile at the rememberance.
Peace be with your dear Laurie.
Marelly

Sent by Marelly | 3:41 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie and all,
We made it to the PGA Championship, and thanks to a very dear friend, The Masters. We won't be making it to the Ryder Cup, it was Neil's last wish. We even had the tickets...watching this one will be bittersweet....
I understand completely!
It will be like watching the JayHawks win the championship, screaming and jumping up and down, and then realizing I was all alone.......

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 4:10 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,

A year ago tomorrow I gave my mother an 80th birthday bash. She never had anything "special" of her own: she and my father eloped, she was widowed at 31, survived 4 heart attacks, removal of a kidney for cancer, a triple bypass...the list goes on. She died March 24. I want to share a version of this Sondheim song from Into The Woods, sung by Nancy LaMott, an amazing singer who died of uterine cancer in 1995:
No One Is Alone

No one here to guide you
Now you're on your own
Only me beside you
Still you're not alone
No one is alone
Truly
No one is alone

Sometimes people leave you
Half-way through the wood
Others may deceive you
You decide what's good
You decide alone
But no one is alone

People make mistakes
Father's, Mother's
People make mistakes
Holding to their own
Thinking they're alone

Honor their mistakes
Everybody makes
One another's terrible mistakes

Witches can be right
Giants can be good
You decide what's right
You decide what's good
Just remember

Someone is on your side
Someone else is not
Well we're seeing our side
Maybe we forgot
They are not alone
Cause no one is alone

Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
That's the best I know
Someone is on your side
No one is alone

Laurie...Leroy left you with all these caring people so you wouldn't be alone. I'll send loving thoughts to you, Leroy, and my mother tomorrow.

Sent by Terri | 4:20 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your story about Burge's song! I would like to tell you, the same thing happened to me. One day as I was driving along crying, this song, Your Not Alone, by Meredith Andrews came on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rgz_GI7h_U8
It has spoken to me ever since...
I also feel like Neil is talking to me when ever I hear that song, he always knew how much songs meant to me! Our favorite was always, "I feel lucky" By Mary Chapin Carpenter...we would call each other and play it into our phones. We always said how lucky we were to have found each other...thank you for the great memories today!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 4:44 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I haven't seen a post from Sasha or JCR today - are you both alright?
I'm thinking of you.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 4:48 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, Thinking of you and praying that the seasons will be a little easier to bear. The seasons couldn't be the same, as he was an awesome man. Prayers and peace for you...always....

Sent by Julie | 4:55 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,
Still lifting...........prayers to all.

Sent by sasha | 5:29 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Here, here, Marilyn.

If I wanted to read about politics, I wouldn't be here, looking for support from our wonderful community.

Can we all leave politics at home, agree to disagree and come together to support Laurie?

And Marilyn, welcome, I'm sorry about your friend and brother.

Lifting prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 5:31 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
All us Lifegivers know and have been or are still going through it. Glad you are still writing us and telling us what's going on. Remember...the feelings may be painful but it reminds you that you have loved! You have had true love. Not everyone gets to know what that feels like. And in pleasure...there is always pain! You may not know what the pain could possibly be...be there is pain. This is the pain of loving someone!
I know I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!!

Sent by Michael (Lifegiver Survivor) Chicago | 5:44 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Laurie,

It was with such sadness that I learned about Leroy's passing after I returned from an extended vacation outside of the country. Although Leroy was doing his best to prepare all of us, his extended family, to life without him, I doubt there is a single one of us who deep down, wasn't betting on his ability to beat back his cancer. I know I was. I'm certain you were.

And just as Leroy conquered his fear of cancer and helped us all accept this disease with a sense of grace and good humor, I see that you are conquering your loss with the same grace and good humor. Your comment about what Leroy's opinion of Sarah Pallin would be leaves no doubt in my mind that you have the ability to remember this incredible man with a smile in your heart.

All my best,
Mo

Sent by Mo Spikes | 5:50 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
I just returned from seeing my friend at the hospital and trying to figure out how to say good bye to her. Like my husband, her cancer treatments have so damaged her lungs that her time is very short. How does one say good bye to someone they love? I just told her I love her and I would see her around. I only hope she can make it to her wedding anniversary next week. I know this season of big happenings is terribly difficult for you but you will get through it and steel yourself for the next one. I do agree with a couple of the others however, that this is a place of refuge not a political arena. This is one place I can go to for comfort and don't feel I have to be defensive about anything. Thank you for having me.

Sent by Kathie | 6:25 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, I'm sure nothing will be the same without him for quite a while. Wel, really nothing will be the same without him forever, but eventually you will have other memories of seasons without him as well.

I don't really have anything to say that can take away that grief. But you are in my thoughts and prayers, for whatever good it does.

Sent by N.R. | 6:26 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie, I know what you mean. Like others mentioned, the winter holiday season is full of bittersweet memories. I think you should enjoy a chuckle over an imagined conversation with Leroy over the GOP VP pick. Get a grip people! This is NPR! And I'm sure you and Leroy and the army will get a giggle out of this: I started my new job today, after being laid off for seven months. My new employer? Freddie Mac!

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 7:09 PM ET | 09-08-2008

To all of you who say politics has no place-as a reporter politics and its consequences was a part of Leroy's life and Laurie has a right to express that memory and the values Leroy cherished. God forbid that she must censure her grief to make any of us comfortable.Get over it.

Sent by Syndi | 8:07 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Hi Laurie-
You're so right. Nothing feels the same, especially the changing seasons. As fall approaches, I feel both anxious and quite sad. It was this season, last year, and my sister was still alive. Last year at this time I could still talk to her,laugh with her, read to her (she couldn't hold a book or turn pages any longer),and watch countless movies and home decorating shows. Little did I know, as the trees turned color. that it would be my very last season with her. This fall brings so many memories of things we did then, and of all we cannot do together now. The changing season is painful. It's arrival is haunting. I feel your loss and I understand. I think of how my sister would also be completely involved in talking about the upcoming election, and I also know what SHE would say about a certain VP candidate! I miss her voice, her beautiful mind and her gentle spirit. Days,weeks and now seasons come and go butnothing is the same when we lose the ones we love. Nothing.

Sent by Catherine | 8:13 PM ET | 09-08-2008

I am just so sorry. But I agree with one of the above posts: Where ever you are, Leroy, help, help, help in the case of Sarah Palin. I think she represents everything I abhor. Honestly, everything. Is that too political for this site? Salee

Sent by sajenkins | 8:13 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Dear Nikki,
Don't believe the old wives tale about losing sons when they marry. I have two and they have been a most wonderful support to me.

Sent by Elaine | 8:21 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie:

I had never heard of pennies from heaven before my sister died. I read about that quaint little custom, and laughed to myself that if anyone could send pennies from heaven my sister could. Not long after, I began noticing pennies whenever I was having a striking moment, good or bad. If I was having a particularly bad moment, I often found a dime. I laughed to myself thinking that only my sister's odd sense of humour would think she should send a dime if times were even tougher.

Do I believe it? I don't know. Can I explain it? Were the pennies always there, and I didn't notice? I can't explain it and I don't know.

I am just recovering from a serious illness, my only serious illness other than cancer in my whole life. Yesterday, I got it together to take the dogs to the park for a walk around the lake. As I climbed out of the car I spotted a penny on the ground, I could almost here my sister say "You go girl."

So many memories. And finally the become okay.

So what WOULD Larry have thought about Ms. Palin?

Peggy C.

Sent by Peggy Carey | 9:20 PM ET | 09-08-2008

P.S. Back in the house from barbecuing, and I found myself fuming about the comments by Marilyn and Dave. The idea that we can only talk about cancer here gives the disease just that much more power. This blog is not meant to be a dirge, but a community of souls who have been through the trial by fire. Will we all think alike? No. Will we radically disagree on occasion? Yes.

Does that mean than any one of us cares less about the fact that we've all been through the "C" change? HElL no.

Cancer knows no boundaries, it affects us all. And fear that expressing our opinions on WHATEVER subject will destroy this community will only give cancer that much more sway in our lives.

It is only the use of disrespectful language like "say ridiculous things" that leads to disharmony.

We live in a country where we have all agreed to respectfully disagree on occasion. Otherwise we can relocate to a totalitarian nation.

Peggy C. with steam coming from her ears

Sent by Peggy Carey | 9:58 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Thinking of you Laurie. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm very much a believer in how seasons, days of the week, times of the year, times of day, and certain dates can remind you of those who are not here anymore. Thank you again for sharing your memories of such a wonderful man.

Sent by roni | 11:04 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Ditto, Marilyn. I agree this is not the place for politics. Best I recall, Leroy did not want this to be a forum for politics or religion and with good reason. Let's not get off base.

Sent by Janie | 11:19 PM ET | 09-08-2008

Laurie,
My husband was also a political junkie and a baseball fan. As a native of Chicago, he was an ardent Cubs fan. How he would have loved to be alive to see how well the Cubs are doing now---although my saying that may jinx them.
On the political side, less than a month before he died, and probably sensing that he didn't have long to live but with his sense of humor intact, he joked that maybe this year he might have to vote in Chicago. Hopefully both he and Leroy can vote together this year in Chicago.
Keeping you in my thoughts.

Sent by Betsy in Oregon | 12:51 AM ET | 09-09-2008

I just got back from a trip north to have all of the scans and see all of the doctors, and wanted to see how you were doing, and re-connect. I can understand the ache of longing for someone who is no longer with you. There is no cure for it, but personally, I felt after a long time that it wasn't always the first and last thing that I thought about every day.
I had a heart-stopping 24 hrs last week when my oncologist, reviewing my PET/CT scan and coming on my L5 vertebra told me that it "gives me the willies", and I could see the area lit up orange. Off I went the next day for a STAT MRI of the area, followed by a high resolution CT scan for good measure. After a fairly miserable time, I eventually heard from my onc who proclaimed it "marrow edema from arthritis". MUCH less awful than what I'd feared. Now I have to decide weather or not to give up scans altogether unless symptoms develop. Let's see.....free-floating anxiety about what is going on while we're not looking, or occasional panic when something benign looks nasty. The lady or the tiger?

Sent by Nancy K Clark | 2:36 AM ET | 09-09-2008

It seem still to come back to the big "C" and how it affects our life. Even after the loss Cancer has is still leaving ugly scars.

Sent by Carolyn | 9:22 AM ET | 09-09-2008

Laurie,
No advice, no recommendation. Just a long, tearful hug to you from Kansas. Lots of tears.

Sent by GFC | 9:23 AM ET | 09-09-2008

Laurie - I sure look forward to reading your blogs - keep them coming! Alot of things will hit you and make you sad so early in your grieving process. Trust me, soon you will look at all these things with loving memories.

Sent by Sue Sheehan Bothell,Wa | 11:33 AM ET | 09-09-2008

Dear Laurie, You are in a season of "mourning" that takes first place in your mind right now, over pollitics, world events and etc. Those were made more vivid by your conversations with Leroy. It is a testament to the love you and Leroy shared. We still lifting out here for you.

Sent by Martha C. | 1:40 PM ET | 09-09-2008

Laurie,

I remember the schizophrenic hell of bouncing back and forth "I want to remember -- no I don't, now I do, now I don't" OR I want to talk about him now, now I don't. I want to talk about him but not with you because you make me cry. In fact I refused to see some people because just seeing them put me into tears. Then getting mad because I thought people had forgotten him. NUTS!!

What I am hearing is you miss not just the physical presence but the real soul of Leroy, his opinion, his thoughts, his humor, his excitement, etc. Some times you are thinking 'I need tell Leroy that" then the sad reminder comes a split second later. I finally just started talking to him as if he was there. There were only things he and I understood.

So, Laurie, talk to him, talk to Leroy. I am sure he is listening in his own way. Tell him about Palin. Play his part to as if he answered you. Going cold turkey without Leroy is hard. That is why this blog is still going.

We all are going cold turkey and the withdrawal is unbearable but we get by with you and all of us here.

It will never be the same and do we really want it to be??

Keep breathing, keep holding on.

Carole

Sent by Carole | 9:58 PM ET | 09-09-2008

Thanks for keeping on talking to us all, Laurie. When my fahter died, a wise woman told my mother to expect the first phase of mourning to last a whole year. She said "you have to get through with the year of thinking 'this time last year we were doing this together' before you can move on." Not to tell you to rush it - it just helps a bit to see the road ahead, and know that other widows and widowers have travelled it before you. All the best.

Sent by Genevieve | 10:17 PM ET | 09-10-2008

And what would his words about Sarah Palin be? I'm assuming positive ones, since she seems to be a great lady and hopefully will make a great Vice President of our country.

But seeing the comments of Jody Salem and Dona, I guess not.

How pathetic that even in the middle of people's sorrow, they can have words of hatred for someone else who they have not even met.

That is what is truly scary.

Sent by Mo | 4:34 PM ET | 09-13-2008