I find your thoughts so helpful and strangely uplifting. They help alleviate my fears of "what will I do when left alone." You remind me to move slowly, one step at a time. It's not easy. But this grief business is not something to rush through.

I know that you are helping yourself by continuing Leroy's blog but you are also helping many others. Thank you.

Sent by Leah | 7:56 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Hi Laurie,

It is the greatest gift, though at times a harsh one, that life goes on. It feels quite surreal at times that it does. I'm glad you've put a "toe in the water". Time takes time. My thoughts are with you -

Sent by Leslie Erickson | 7:58 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
None of this is easy. as all the books say, it is a long, slow process. Just put one foot in front of the other. I bought a bunch of self-help books that now three months after my husband's death are letting me see that all of my feelings are normal and to be expected. Be gentle with yourself. I remember when my father died, time was the best healer. Other than that, when you walk, walk tall and take baby steps.
Thinking of you.

Sent by Elaine | 7:58 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Good for you, Laurie. It might be tough, but you know it is what Leroy would want you to do. I realized summer is almost over and I have yet to go to the pool. I have my excuses, including some lingering radiation burn, but I will get up there before the week is out. Promise.

Sent by Dianne (DC) | 8:15 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie~ I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Where do you find "purpose & direction" now?
I dread the very thought of my husband, after all these years, NOT being here. I'm constantly trying to close the gap of the nine years between us so that we will either go together or I will go first. I do not want to "go it alone" I know no other life.
I am sorry that I am not much help to you with your situation and I sure wish I could be. I am a "talker" and would love to just sit or walk with you at this point and let you know that you are not alone and that we travel together. Love and understanding from Jeanne

Sent by J C R | 8:24 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

You are facing a new sort of being alone, involuntarily and not relieved by visits with friends by activities.

I hope the rich reservoir of memories the two of you created help to fill the empty spots that Leroy once filled.

Peggy

Sent by Peggy | 8:26 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Not easy, but necessary I think. Dad has been gone one month today at 11:10am. I spent Sunday with Mom and we spent about the entire visit doing what you've been doing. I took home three of Dad's shirts with me--just to wear when I feel like it. Grieving takes its time and fills its spaces.
Love to you today Laurie...Linda

Sent by Linda Lee | 8:27 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
I know this is very difficult for you, to put it mildly. Taking baby steps is the way to go. You will know when you are ready for each step. My thoughts and prayers are with you everyday and I pray that God is holding Leroy very close to him, no more pain, no more cancer.

Lianne

Sent by Lianne Friedman | 8:35 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,

I am extremely proud of you. It is very hard to go back to places you shared with loved ones who have moved on to a better place. I still haven't returned to the last place my dad I shared a meal. It is hard sitting alone in church without him. Staying at home is easier then having to smile and say thank you for warm wishes and caring words.

One small step and 1-2-3 still lifting.

Sent by Sue Chap | 8:38 AM ET | 09-02-2008

I imagine that there will be lots of tears as you travel down memory lane, but hopefully they'll be healing tears. I so enjoyed the guest authors from last week.

Sent by Susan | 8:38 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Despite the hole there, home was and still is my sanctuary after my husband died. It is jarring and painful to go out into the "real world," esp to places where you shared fun times, but those baby steps for short periods of time can be helpful. Being home is full of the familiar but it's also where that big void of no Leroy exists. I think a big part of the grieving process is the constant comparison/juxtaposition between how life used to be and how it is now. Listen to your heart and gut and know your limits. I think about you and Leroy everyday. Peace and hugs, Nancy from Waukesha WI

I also think

Sent by Nancy | 8:39 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Still lifting Laurie and hoping the good memories ease your pain a bit.

Wanted to thank everyone out in My Cancer for your indirect help the last couple of weeks. My father-in-law died on August 22nd from long fought heart problems. Re-reading everyone's posts helped me tremendously in terms of processing all the emotions. You also indirectly helped with the service too - we used a poem that one of you had posted. Thank you.

Sent by Robin L. - Fairfax VA | 9:10 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie -
You will take alot of those steps and they are good steps to take. Remember the happy times - remember them with a smile.

Sent by Deb from Michigan | 9:13 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
We are still lifting you as you take these steps. It took a lot of courage and strength to go to the pool - so many warm memories!!

Thank you for sharing those memories with us. One, two, three -
LIFT!!

Sent by Laura | 9:14 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
Thank you so much for continuing to share your journey. I go onto the NPR website every morning and when "you" are not "there" it seems "wrong". I hope that spending time with family and friends in new and familiar surroundings will start to bring comfort. The hurt must be fresh every morning....but may memories of happy times together bring some comfort.

Sent by Linn W. | 9:14 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,

I hope that in time those memories become more sweet than bittersweet. I am thinking of you, and missing Leroy too. God Bless.

Sent by Connie (Bungert) | 9:19 AM ET | 09-02-2008

I feel for you, Laurie. One day at a time!

Sent by Liz L. | 9:24 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
I thought of you over the long weekend. I'm glad you got out to the pool and spent some time with friends. It has been almost eight years since my ex-husband died. We were still close even though divorced. I still miss him but the memories are easier now. Wishing you a good week.
Charlotte in Rural Ridge, PA

Sent by Charlotte Kewish | 9:28 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
You may stumble because the steps are shaky but in time the trip down Memory Lane will be firm and concrete. Memories form our lifelines to the ones we love. Leroy will always be with you, cherish your walks together.

Margaret

Sent by Margaret Fowler | 9:30 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
It's not easy but one step at a time, one day at a time. It sounds so trite but it's true.

You have a lot of tears inside you yet. They'll be sad, angry, sorry for yourself, sorry for Leroy tears. But they'll also be healing tears.

Hugs and prayers lifting you...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 9:33 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie:
Just go slow, very slow. After our son died 18 years ago it took 5 years before we could stand to look at videotapes of "the happy times". Just let your heart-wound heal a little.
Love, Don

Sent by don winslow | 9:34 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Everyone who is grieving must take each of these steps on her or his own, no one can do it for us as you know all too well. Each step, each memory re-lived, will of course make it a tiny bit easier the next time you have that particular memory. But of course it is hard. I believe that Leroy, as everyone we have lost, wouldn't want you to feel any pain, would not want you to suffer too much with each memory. Maybe knowing that can help to ease the hard journey.

Sent by Diana | 9:35 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, as someone who has been where you are, I PROMISE that you will feel better and these trips down memory lane will be filled with more smiles and less tears.

Unfortunately, what I can't do is make this horribly painful time go faster or easier, or even tell you how to get through it. All you can do is take things a minute at a time and be as kind to yourself as possible.

If I could make a wrinkle in time for you I would.

Sent by Kelly in Maryland | 9:42 AM ET | 09-02-2008

I know it's not easy Laurie, but I guess it can't be avoided. It's part of a process that belongs to you, as you move forward day by day. Peaceful blessings to you, love from Sherri in Texas

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 9:48 AM ET | 09-02-2008

No...not easy. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming. You're doing as well as anyone in your shoes ever has.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 9:49 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, You took the step and that is all that matters. I believe if could visulize Leroy, then He was probably there with you. You just could not see him in phyiscal form. We don't just non-exist after we die. We live on.

Sent by Carolyn | 10:00 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie: I read many of Leroy Sievers blogs/emails over the last couple of years. I have a malignant glioma, so he touched my heart. My husband and I made a donation to the Sciuk Brain Cancer Research Fund at the Richmond Community Foundation in Virginia, in his memory. With our Deepest Sympathy, Marguerite and Kevin Sciuk

He is with you always,,,,please know this,,,,

Sent by Marguerite Sciuk | 10:04 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

I can't tell you how nice it is that you have chosen to continue to share Leroy with us. While he was special to many of us, he was your everything and you don't have to share if you don't want to. I feel selfish for missing Leroy so much, but I wanted you to know that I like reading more about this wonderful man you spent so much of your life with.

Like the others said...baby steps, but it is probably good that you're getting out a bit.

Sent by roni | 10:06 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
Staying close to home does let one feel safe. As my husband is coming to the end of his journey my home is my safe place. I am not walking in your shoes yet, but I can imagine how terribly difficult it must be. I am going to make a comment which might sound horrible, but I'm going to be truthful. I sometimes wish it were over so that I could start the healing process...........how terrible a person am I to even think of such a thing? I don't want to lose him and yet I can't deal with watching him suffer.......I have so many mixed emotions........sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. Is it normal to have these thoughts? I am also getting tired of hearing people who are not living with cancer tell me to take one day at a time............what do they think I have been doing for the last two and a half years?

Sorry for the ranting........but this is the only place where I know everyone understands me.

I feel for you Laurie and wish you well. As always, prayers to all. Again, sorry for the ranting, but I have no where else to purge.

Sent by sasha | 10:09 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Ugg. I can't imagine.

Sent by Lisa | 10:09 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Congratulations on venturing out. I imagine it's much easier to stay home, surrounded by things that help you to feel Leroy's presence.
He's there with you, in all of the places you went together, as well as in the places you've yet to see.
Stay strong.

Sent by Kathy Groh Canby | 10:10 AM ET | 09-02-2008

All in your own time and schedule...Warm regards...

Sent by Sandra Yudilevich | 10:16 AM ET | 09-02-2008

You are going forward.. Slowly but surely.. That is what Leroy would want I think..

1 2 3 LIFT
FROG

Sent by Patsy Elmore from Knoxville, TN | 10:20 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Have you considered scrapbooking? Collecting all the happy memories & pictures in one spot. Hard to do, you'll know when you're ready to try, but very cathartic too. Contact a local scrapbook store - they can get you started or put you in touch with people in the area.

Sent by Kate | 10:23 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha, me too. I was thinking about this on my way to work...part of me wishing that "it" was over. Having you express that uncomfortable feeling of wishing to fast foward echos my own thoughts. One day at time, which is what I tell others who are beginning their journey into cancer world, is true. But when you've been living that way for years (four years next month in our case), emotional and psychological fatigue sets in. Each thought of wishing to jump ahead is countermanded by the thought of spending another day or week with our beloved husbands.

And sleep doesn't bring any relief as my dreams are filled with stories of being lost or abandoned.

I don't know if it's normal, Sascha, but the conflicting feelings are part of my everyday life, too.

Sent by Ricci | 10:40 AM ET | 09-02-2008

For Sasha: Please know that Leroy's army is here for you. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would cope if I were in your shoes and I hope I never have to. I look for your entry every day. Hang in there. Hugs...

Sent by Ann from Michigan | 10:44 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Oh Sasha, how my heart goes out to you. I can well understand what you said today. Don't feel guilty for your feelings and honesty. The worst must be watching this loved one suffer and not be able to take their pain away. Keep in mind that you must help ease his way out and do what you can to help him go peacefully. Being born and dying are the two things we must do alone, and the rest of life is filled with people and actions to reach out for and to remember. Now--he is left to do his dying alone after years with you by his side. Just hold fast and be there!

Sent by J C R | 10:50 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Our thoughts are with you.

Sent by Marsha G | 11:13 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Good day Laurie - it feels as though you are taking those steps you need to take into the world, while savoring Leroy where ever he pops up. You are not alone, his spirit is strong. You are supported!

Sasha - Thank you for sharing your mixed emotions...please don't be hard on yourself. Reflect and hang in there...you are supported too.

Sasha -

Sent by Joan S. | 11:19 AM ET | 09-02-2008

My husband has been gone 7 months. It was a shock - 4 days and he was gone. I remember the first time I "solo'd" and went to an event by myself. I survived ... and made a new friend too. I found I was stronger than I knew ... and you will to. My sister died of cancer 2 years ago ... I learned much from Leroy. God bless you ... you will be fine.

Sent by Linda | 11:19 AM ET | 09-02-2008

To Sasha:
Your dilemma is well understood by me. I felt so guilty for wishing that the disease and my husband's struggles would all be over. That is only natural when you spend so much time in disequilibrium striving for new equilibrium and a fresh step. None of this is easy...my husband declined so slowly for many years, then the last 5 were grueling. He once even tried to kill himself, but failed. So so sad. I understand you, just wanted you to know that. There is always some irrationality that comes with caregiving and grieving. It's real, it's there, it is what it is. everything will be okay, i promise.
love from sherri in texas

Sent by Sherri Eggleston | 11:21 AM ET | 09-02-2008

One day at a time, Laurie, ODAT, really is "OSAT" - one step at a time. It works, it really works. All the folks on this blog are with you, doing the same thing - hanging in there with you!

Sent by Lucy | 11:25 AM ET | 09-02-2008

1
2
3
LIFT!!

Hugs, Danni

Sent by Dannielle Higgins in Traverse City, MI | 11:26 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Small steps, one at a time. Walking besides you here!

Sent by betsey in albany ny | 11:27 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dearest Laurie
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I dread the pain that comes with losing someone we love. I dread losing David and seeing the everyday things, clothes, books, shoes, that are stark reminders of his life. I don't know how I can cope with that pain and void. Happy memories aren't happy anymore when you have lost the one you love.
Dearest Sasha
You say so much of what I feel. You are not bad to think this way - going through this is torture and there is no good outcome. Don't feel guilty for wanting the days to go by - it's not that you want to lose John, it's just that you and he are both suffering so much. I have never known such pain as this and sometimes I get so angry, sad, hopeless, lonely, and a myriad of emotions that I can't put into words. Our lives are being destroyed by cancer.
I wish I could help but I feel so useless sometimes, and scared.
God bless, and love to all who are suffering.

Sent by Tina from Alton, IL | 11:27 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Good for you. I am just now feeling better and I lost people close to me a couple of years ago and then again about 7 months ago. It just takes time.

Sent by mt | 11:32 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Even though home wasn't "right" without Dan there, it still was the only place I wanted to be. And the place where he felt, still feels, nearest. It'll ease with time, on its own timeline.

Funny, I found myself just yesterday, 15 months later, out shopping and starting to say, "Hey, Dan would love that!...Oh. Crud." Though now I can at least laugh at myself for still doing it!

Still lifting, 1-2-3 every day for you!

Sent by Nita | 11:36 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, My first enocounter with this was at eight, then again before out was out of Grade School. I don't think of this often as the memories are still so vivid and strong. I think this is different for everyone, but not easy for anyone. My Prayers are with you. Stan

Sent by Stan Wozniak | 11:43 AM ET | 09-02-2008

This is for Sasha: Do not berate yourself for your feelings; as far as I am concerned, they are perfectly normal. I felt exactly the same way eight years ago before my husband died, and upon his death, felt a profound relief - that his suffering was over, and mine was, too. Watching the person you love best in the world go through agony, terror, amputations, unspeakable suffering - especially over a long period of time - is unbearable. Of course you want it to be over.
Pray for the strength to continue to be there for him during this hellish time; we have reserves of strength that are seemingly unending when we have no choice but to go on. And when it's over and you have lovingly seen him to his rest, even in your grief, rejoice that he is free and so happy to be "himself" again, and do not spend a moment questioning yourself - you have done your best under circumstances that no one can know who hasn't been there. Give yourself a hug, Sasha - you need and deserve one.
Love from Carlie

Sent by Carlie Nikolai | 11:43 AM ET | 09-02-2008

The good memories, like these, will be the ones that linger. Treasure them.

Sent by Scott S. | 11:45 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
After losing my Dad to colon cancer 2.5 years ago, I can relate to your trip down memory lane. It takes a while to travel that road, at least the hardest part of it. I can now look at some of my Dad's personal items and see the good memories and not get so emotional. It takes some time but it will come for you also. Just remember all of the good times, I think that would be what our Leroy would want. We will keep lifting with all that we have. Take care and God bless.

Sent by Teresa in WV | 11:46 AM ET | 09-02-2008

That is great you got out Laurie. I'm sure some warm sunshine was nice. Those loving memories of Leroy are difficult right now but also probably pretty welcome to remember him living and laughing. I am proud of you. You are such strength to us.

1....2....3 LIFT

Sent by Alexis Redmond | 11:48 AM ET | 09-02-2008

......But it is so good for the soul Laurie!!....to go through the 'catalogue' of memories...and you and Leroy MUST have an encyclopedia of them! And hopefuly these memories will be your warm companions coming and going over the months now; bringing laughter and tears...tears for all the love you still have left to give. It all brings healing of that "wound of love and grief" we so bravely allow to happen to us.

I too did the memory thing through the funerals this last weekend and after when we all gathered for a big party to cry and laugh together over the love/loss of our dear friends. I was not alone there and not alone here. I can't thank everyone enough for their support: JaeMoyer, Laurie Hirth, Sue Chap, everyone...your support makes my heart flutter. This Blog is so incredible. Hang in there Stan Wozniak we are all with you. Love, Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 11:49 AM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie - My heart breaks for you so much! And it is a lonely long painful journey. I know hospice offers for up to 12 months grievance conseling which you could certainly take advantage of. I was not that type of person although I did speak with the counselor a few times privately the group thing -- isn't my thing. I will tell you this blog, along with some books although have not found one that I can recommend yet (so if anyone can I am listening) is what has helped me and continues to help me that is why I am soooo glad you are still in the game! I came here everyday since the Living with Cancer Discovery aired with Leroy and still do. My dearest father will be gone for one year on 09/24 I can't believe it. Somedays are better but I have to admit I still have those hard days too. I was his 100% caregiver and a daddy's girl so although he was not my husband he was a big male figure in my life! I miss him still so much! I still have to take some days hour by hour. I had a journal I kept during his 14 month battle with cancer and I have been reading back and starting now last year he really began to struggle and go down hill quickly which was a good thing but all the same terribly painful when you can't do anything about it but be there and support them, drug them and give them the gift of letting go! You did that for Leroy and that is the greatest gift that is the greatest love you can give him. Although now you are here trying to live without him. I thought that dreadful day of hearing he had stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer was the worst day of my life, but now I think the day I really had to say good bye was. He wasn't suffering anymore but now I had to live without him. My dear Laurie it is a long and painful road I have to say I do smile at some memories but still find it hard to smile at alot of them because we won't have those talks anymore or have those times anymore, that we still should be having, but I also know in my rational mind one day I will be able to smile more then grieve. Keep your chin up let your family and friends be there and let Leroy's love and memory be there. Be kind to yourself and let us lift and love you now! Now is even harder then the cancer I think anyways because Leroy, my dad, all of of everyone else's loved ones they truly are in a better place and we are still here. Probably looking down thinking come on guys you were so tough during the fight but there comes a time that that thick skin can't do it anymore, just for alittle while, it does start to toughen again slowly but it does! It was hard being on the sidelines all that time always thinking one step ahead and praying for them and doing whatever for them so they don't suffer. I was told one day by a friend that this is a consequence that we pay for that great value that we get for loving and being loved and I thought that that was mean but you know it is true and I, as you, along with our other extended family -- would NEVER trade those days of the loving and being loved because those are what make life count -- but it's ok to say and feel like it just sucks alot of days to feel this pain. But think about all the good you got from Leroy and all the good you gave him and in time these days will be a little easier but it takes so much time so take the time! We are here for you with our arms surrounding you with love and peace and healing! Take it hour by hour until one day it becomes day by day and then week by week! It takes time so be paitent and know we are all here! This is how alot of us that are left behind get though it. By leaning on each other who have been there and who have yet to be there!
Loving thoughts, Cori

Don't forget Friday 09/05 Stand up to Cancer!!! Let's all stand together in Leroy's honor, and for the rest of our loved one's! I am sure they will be standing too! And here's to hoping all that are still in the battle that our angels above do have special powers and influence to send down special information to find a cure and better treatment and detection. I know they would love nothing better!

Sent by Cori Swanson | 11:57 AM ET | 09-02-2008

It isn't promised that this will be easy, but as time goes on, it will become easier. I think you are doing super with your coping. My thoughts, prayers and power of strength go to you.
Sue Sheehan, Bothell, Wa.

Sent by sue sheehan, bothell, wa | 12:11 PM ET | 09-02-2008

you are doing just fine, Laurie....a little at a time....step by step, when you are ready...holding you in thoughts and prayers....and thanking you for this blog which i continue to come to for help...

Sent by patty | 12:21 PM ET | 09-02-2008

I'm from California -- so the mention of In N Out and Cal (where I spent 3 years many years ago) brought smiles to my face, as does your description of Leroy at the pool. The sadness of loss can be overwhelming, but eventually (in your own time, no one else's) the same memories that now make you weep will bring smiles.

Sent by Roz | 12:26 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, Memories can be so crushingly bittersweet right after you lose someone you love. You're in my thoughts. As are all of you dealing with losing a friend or spouse right now.

Sasha, I think what you are feeling is natural. Right now you have had to be strong for someone else for so long and you know at the end of that comes a whole new test of strength for you, but one where you don't have to be strong for someone else anymore. Honestly, no matter which state you're in, you'll probably long a little for the other because neither palce is a happy one to be in. But please don't be hard on yourself for feeling what you're feeling on top of everything else!

I wish I could give a real hug to everyone hee who could use one.

Sent by N.R. | 12:29 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Good for you. The sun is good.

Sent by julie | 12:36 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dearest Laurie,

G-d bless you, you are strong and courageous. This has got to be the very hardest of times and you are also aware of being alone. You will never forget Leroy or not miss him. I don't know how long you were together, but you were a part of each other. One day you will feel better about Laurie; but I am certain that takes a long time. Take care of you and do what you want when you want.
G-d bless you.

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 1:05 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Home is where the heart is... and so close to your beloved in so many ways; smells, sights, memories. What a wonderful collection to revisit at your chosing. And to still do the things you both enjoyed, you are a stong woman Laurie, and we continue to learn from you two. With thanks,
1 2 3 LIFT

Sent by Stitches | 1:12 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Sasha,
Take care of you and G-d bless you. I don't know what to tell you; but I do believe that whatever you do you will get through this Hell with the help of Leroy's Army and hopefully some friends and family. Take care of you first and prayers for you and your Husband.

Jan

Sent by Janice Goldberg White | 1:13 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie ~ As always, we're all behind you as you continue down this new path.

We're praying for you.

Sent by tracy | 1:22 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,

Stepping out from the sanctity and sanctuary of your shared home with Leroy is a big step, indeed; and returning to "all the old familiar places" is so very bittersweet. (As I read your posting today, that lovely old tune, "I'll Be Seeing You ...", has been weaving itself through my thoughts.)

You are doing the brave and the difficult, just as you did alongside Leroy as he met his disease. He is "everywhere present", dear Laurie, as you step out into the world. He is with you wherever you go, both in memory and in every molecule of your heart and soul, and the universe, as well. "Home" is your shared cocoon and safe-spot; "outside" is your shared breath with him. He is with you ... now and always.

I loved your remembrance of Leroy sitting poolside, and how you captured his "accessorizing" and his casual repose. What a cherished vision~apparition!

And now, for those lyrics that keep moseying through:

I'll Be Seeing You

"Cathedral bells were tolling
And our hearts sang on,
Was it the spell of Paris
Or the April dawn?
Who knows, if we shall meet again?
But when the morning chimes ring sweet again:

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces all day through:
In that small cafe,
The park across the way,
The children's carousel,
The chestnut trees,
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day,
In everything that's light and gay,
I'll always think of you that way,
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new,
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you."

With warmest fondness,

Kim Forester

and PS to Sasha ~ We all understand, and offer you safety, love and empathy.

Sent by Kim Forester | 1:23 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha -- just like all the others have so nicely replied -- unfortunately, what you are feeling is normal. I too felt guilty at the end when I thought I can't do this anymore but I did until I did not have to anymore then oddly you will find you wish for those days back, the days not of the suffering but to have them back you would have the hectic again, do the doctors, the running, the care taking, the insurance crap, all of it, if it could be with no suffering. My heart also goes out to you it must be so hard like I said before it was my father not my husband but all the same a man I loved very much and who was a big part of my life. Don't beat yourself up be kind to yourself be patient with yourself your feelings are VERY NORMAL for us who have traveled down that road we can tell you that from past expierence. I hope this brings some peace of mind to you in this very difficult phase. My prayers and love are with you today and every day! Take care and continue to be there as hard as it may seem we are stronger then we know when it comes to our loved ones. And surprisely, as hard as this time is, it is the being there for your loved one at this time, that will ultimately bring you comfort -- in time. Be with him and rant with us. This is why Leroy is such a wonderful missed increadible man -- look what he started here. No one understands like we understand each other!! Peace, healing and love and if you need to scream scream. It does SUCK it all SUCKS CANCER SUCKS! Love, prayers and comfort are all around you here!! Cori Swanson

Sent by Cori Swanson | 1:26 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Hi everyone...
I'm up north, having had a PET/CT scan this am, and will be seeing my interventional radiologist, liver onc and shrink at the cancer ctr at Penn tomorrow. Thursday I see my primary oncologist. (I know, aren't I lucky? TWO oncologists!)
I'm getting to visit with friends and drive around areas that, unlike where I'm living now, are familiar to me.
While I'm here, I am going to see two friends that I've made through the Breast Cancer.org chat room. Beth is having an engagement party 4 yrs after she was diagnosed with BC at the age of 26. I couldn't be happier for them. Let's all wish Beth and Matt a LONG and HEALTHY life together, and no more cancer!
Laurie, all one can say about your current path is that it's long, painful, and that you'll get through it. I know that you're getting support from your blog family and I'm sure from your "real life" family and friends. Please ask when you need help. None of us gets through this alone. Hugs to all. Nancy

Sent by Nancy K Clark | 1:33 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, I thought of you over the weekend. In some respects this holiday weekend was hard. I found tears wanted to come easier. When I am working my mind is busy and I get through the days but when I reach a weekend or like this one a long weekend it is still hard. I don't really have any answers but to just keep takeing it day by day and hopefully some day will be easier. I really don't think the miss will go away though, maybe just different as time goes on..

I will continue to keep you in my prayers Laurie.

Sent by dorothy in oregon | 1:36 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha - I had to post again today after reading your post. I was in your shoes!!!! I know how hard it is. Do not beat yourself up for feeling the way you do - it is ok. My prayers are for strength for you to get you thru this most difficult time.

Sent by Deb in Michigan | 1:39 PM ET | 09-02-2008

To all my dear friends.............thank you for your kind responses.....it brings me solace.

Sent by sasha | 1:51 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

You are a brave woman. I lost my husband 5 months ago and my boys and I just went to the beach and it was jam packed with memories for me. Very hard. They say the first time without them is the hardest so I'm thinkin ok, one down. What's next? Just this morning I ruined my mascara on the way to work listening to songs on the radio. Every one seemed to be about him. I think you are a pretty smart woman and are aware of the pain associated with these things and know that you can't go around it, just through. Keep on keeping on and so will we all!

Sent by Lisa Y | 1:53 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha, when the grim outcome is known and the only thing between now and then is misery, it seems natural to wish it was over. I wish for you the strength to see this through.
Laurie, so glad to hear that you got out to a place that you shared and enjoyed some pleasant memories. Pace yourself, it is a long road.
Out here trying to lift all the grieving hearts.

Sent by Gene Koeneman | 1:56 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie...

In your own time, healing will come. Don't ever let anyone rush you! Tears will "happen" for unexplained reasons, and will be triggered at the most unexpected times for weeks, months and perhaps years. But telling your story and sharing your honest feelings WILL help...find a good listener, perhaps one who has "been there" themselves, and it will benefit both of you.

I can remember "holing up" weekends, doing nothing but watch videos, to fill my time because I was "stuck" and wasn't ready right away, to face "social life".

Times of solitude are good, but though difficult, it's best to work your way back into social circles little by little, and bit by bit. Sounds as though you are moving in that direction...good for you!

Blessings,
Retha

Sent by Retha | 2:01 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha, I had the same feelings about my dad and adopted mom Florence. So it is all so normal and a healthy sign of what a compassionate and loving person you are. My sister and I lamented about our dad that he would just give up and give in and let himself pass because he was in such pain, horrible pain with met. lung cancer...But he had such will power..even when his brain was overcome with tumors his will to live never seemed to fade. It was down right horrible. Then I realized I was also going through anticipatory grief while he was living. This REAllY made me feel crazy and in such agony at times. But this and many mixed emotions are normal which, I think, is the core of what makes care giving so difficult. You are so devoted to the loved one and you realize they are dying...a horrible feeling I hate to admit I was thinking: "what will be left for me after all this?...I feel so lost in the midst of it all and wish it were over!" AAAARRRGG! The important thing is you are getting these thoughts out of your head and sharing them with us...let us carry and lift you...if you stay in your head with these thoughts it is very bad...your head is a bad neighborhood to live in because you can get mugged!! So turn them over to us and anyone else you can talk to that understands. Holding you love. Graham from Sag Harbor.

Sent by Graham G. Hawks | 2:02 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
The important part of all of this is that you took that first step. There is no hurry to put away your memories, ever. You will find a place in your heart to keep Leroy, when you are ready, and you will go there when ever you want. People will tell you all kinds of things and say all kinds of stuff, but it is only because they do not know. They do not know the struggles you went through to keep your love alive. The pain and agony of letting go, the mixed feelings that one feels like Sasha and Tina and so many others have felt. It is all a part of it, not an easy one but it is there still the same. We are the ones that are left dealing with it all. I am thankful for this site, it is here we are not alone in those frightful feelings and thoughts. It is here where we can find the love and understanding we so desperately need. You made the first step, that is the huge part! Tomorrow is another day.
Sasha, I am sending you a big cyber hug and Graham, I am happy you were able to laugh and cry over your losses. Keep those moments and cherish them when you need them. They are yours forever.
Continued prayers and blessings!

Sent by Laurie Hirth | 2:07 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie memories are good, they sustain us and bring at times warmth and sadness at the same time; but what matters is what we do with them and how we continue. As many say before me, eventually these to will bring a smile to you. Keep on lifting 1..2..3... up up and Away..........
Shasha hang in there... Peace be with you.
Peace Laurie...
Marelly

Sent by Marelly | 2:10 PM ET | 09-02-2008

This is all so new for your Laurie. Please be kind to yourself and just let the waves rush over you and go with it. You are doing awesome.

Lots of love.

Sent by Lori | 2:27 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie: It is good to take steps back. I read everything Leroy did, and I know he did everything right. He did all he could. I wanted to take my granddaughter to John Hopkins, but it was actually too late when I decided to try. She passed as I have said last Thanksgiving. But, I didn't lose her I know exactly where she is and I know that we know where Leroy is. He will never be forgotten. That is the only thing Ashton every said I do not want to be forgotten, I want to stand for something. This past week I went on a convention, and it was the first time I went to the coast without Ashton, because I raised her and she lived with me and I didn't go anywhere without her and her friends sometimes. It was so hard realizing she wasn't there, I wanted to go in the bedroom and see her blond hair and give her a hug, but I did have good memories. You will too. We will never forget them and we will continue to take steps back into our old world. THANK GOD FOR YOU BOTH.

Sent by mavis | 2:29 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

Hang in there. It is never easy but there will come a time when a trip down memory lane will bring smiles instead of tears.

Sent by Jan | 2:32 PM ET | 09-02-2008

To Sasha and all in the final stages with their loved ones, significant others, parents, whoever:

Do not put yourself down for your feelings. The impact that cancer has on everyone close; the patient, family, friends to devastating. It makes you numb to go through the process. We don't want to lose the person, yet we don't want them to suffer, we want them to be at peace for our lives to be "normal" again.

Your feelings and emotions are so real. My heart aches for all of you as transition and adjustment must take place. 1-2-3 Lifting everyone who needs it, because we are family.

Sent by Sue Chap | 2:43 PM ET | 09-02-2008

How we torment ourselves with questioning our every thought and deed! It is as if we believe there is an invisible rule book or how we are supposed to behave. Even if there was such a book, it would go out the window with a cancer diagnosis. But, truthfully, no such book exists.
Peggy C.

Sent by Peggy Carey | 3:05 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie: My husband passed away on july 1 from a fast growing cancer - i so hear where you are. Yesterday I closed my deli and went to the beach for the first time. I sat gazing at the ocean for 2 hours, thoughts and memories just racing through my head. The void is incredible, as is the pain. But I do have my moments - I talked to a hospice nurse yesterday, and told her I only think about Joe every other moment. So she said, "what about that other moment?" So I try to hold on to "that other moment" and if it holds a good memory, all the better. This blog touched me so much - Nancy: in one paragraph you've said exactly what I feel-thank you! Sasha: you've poured your heart out; I don't have any words of wisdom, wish I did - but all I know is that we are human, and I'm sure you are loving your husband and being there for him the very best that you can. I loved my Joe so much, I thought we could fight it together, I prayed and cried. But dying is like being born, and as much as we want to take this suffering onto ourselves, this journey is one we all take alone, in the long run. My heart goes out to you. marsha

Sent by marsha bacenko | 3:08 PM ET | 09-02-2008

What a truly amazing place this is... where we can acknowledge our feelings without fear of being rejected or ridiculed.. but instead we are UNDERSTOOD!

Sasha... my heart breaks for what you are going through and what every care giver goes through from day one... As someone said... there is no easy answers and we are fullly entitled to our feelings!

To watch a loved one suffer.....

Being a cancer survivor myself... I have often tried to imagine what my young wife went through all those years ago... watching me deal with the physical aspects.. wondering IF I would survive.. wondering if she too would become a 20 year old widow (1975)...

I just can not comprehend what caregivers go through.... and especially those with loved ones near the end......

I pray God gives each and everyone of you strength to get through.. For Laurie to find her peace and move forward with her life... for Sasha to accept her feelngs and to also persevere

Despite the trials and tribulations of the human experience... the human spirit is a most amazing thing!

Sent by Ron Bye (NH) | 3:14 PM ET | 09-02-2008

I have been reading this blog for over a year and it has become my first site to check everyday. Having lost my husband to lung cancer after a two year fight, I can relate to so much of what all of you are going through as I am STILL going through it myself. It has been almost 8 months and I am still waiting for it to get easier.

Laurie, thank you so much for sharing your feelings during this difficult time. I think it may be a part of your healing process to be able to express these thoughts to others who understand so well. I find a release in writing my emotions, sometimes only to myself (in the form of a letter to my husband).

I find it bittersweet to do things or go places that we used to do or go together. It feels wrong to go without him, and even more wrong to go with someone else. Everything in my world in now "wrong" and off-center for me. I also, as some of you have mentioned, feel more comfortable and safe in my own home which we shared together for over 25 years. I have to sometimes force myself to get out and do things so I don't become a recluse, but it always feels safe to come home.

Sasha, I so much understand your feelings of wanting the battle to be over. Our last few months, and especially the last two weeks, were just horrible. He was not the same man I had known for all of my adult life. The disease and the medications had taken his spirit and body away already, and although he was still with me, he was in a sense already gone. When the end finally came (peacefully, thank god), I felt a sense of relief for him and for me. The reality of him being gone forever did not really sink in for a few weeks as I went through that protective "numb" phase. Then suddenly, I felt completely overwhelmed with grief that was almost physically painful. That has eased up just a bit, but I struggle everyday to find a new direction and purpose and focus for my life. Like so many of us caregivers, I dedicated all my time and energy the past two years to trying to find a "cure" or a treatment to help him live longer and more comfortably, to find something he could enjoy eating, to taking away his pain. Now I find myself adrift, missing him terribly and not knowing how or caring enough to move on alone.

This should not be all about me, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. I find it helpful to hear that others have some of the same struggles. Sometimes it feels that the rest of the world just thinks we can "shake it off" and get on with our lives again, not realizing that we lost a huge part of our own lives to this ugly disease as well as losing our loved one. I know my life will never be the same again. I hope I can eventually get to a place of contentment, maybe even happiness again, but I sense that it is a long way off.

Hugs to all of you who are hurting today.

Sent by T.K. | 3:38 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha,

I agree with what's been said. Your feelings are normal. My God, you love the man! Watching the man you've shared your life with suffer is one of the worst experiences.

As I've said before, we were very fortunate because the end for Pat was very quick. Granted, we didn't get to take advantage of Hospice but I'd trade that experience for the short time it took for Pat's passing.

As hard as this time is for you, some day you'll look back with a smile and be content that you were there and did everything that you could do. Prayer helps--I hope that you're religious.

Laurie, again thanks for continuing this blog. It must make you feel good to know that what Leroy started is still helping people cope and survive.

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 3:40 PM ET | 09-02-2008

You are brave and inspiring! Thank you for continuing to share with us, in the midst of all of this. In my experience it's not only baby steps, but a step forward and then back...then forward again....all is ok. Just remember to keep breathing, and let others help sustain you - love, CaroleD

Sent by CaroleD | 3:59 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

I echo what everyone else has said. Just keep on keeping on as best you can and forgive yourself when you don't.

Blessings.

Sent by Diana Kitch | 4:18 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha: sometime last year I posted how awful I felt about the fact that the last meal my Mom ate was in the midst of a huge fight - she only wanted the shrimp in the scampi and wouldn't eat the noodles. I called her a cheater and got very angry at her. It is guilt that I have carried for years. People in this community comforted me, and reminded me that I wasn't any kind of monster.

What you are feeling is also normal. Ask anyone on this blog, caregivers suffer too! Make sure you have someone, something that gives you a little time each day for your own escape (a short walk, coffee with a friend, even an extra minute in the shower) where you are just you and only there for you.

You are not alone, Sasha - and the many others here who suffer. I wish I could have you over for coffee. Or scampi without pasta. I wish I could have you all over.

Sent by Liz L. | 4:52 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

Glad you got to the pool and tried to enjoy some of the holiday. It is so kind of you to take your time to let us know how you are doing.

Sasha, you feel free to vent to us as you please. We understand!!

Love to all,
Betty Lewis

Sent by Betty Lewis | 4:55 PM ET | 09-02-2008

I sent a LONG post earlier that's apparently been eaten by the Post Monster.

But Laurie, GOOD FOR YOU! A small step is still a step.

And Sasha, you're exactly right. There's no sin in wanting their pain to end, and wanting to move on in your own journey once theirs ends. How many times I prayed for that, I couldn't say. And after Terry died I slept for three solid days, I was so completely exhausted. I'm grateful for cremation, and that I didn't have to plan a funeral in that time.

Sent by Bruce | 5:05 PM ET | 09-02-2008

1.2.3 Lift.
Small steps are good. No rush take it at your speed Laurie.
Sending hugs and prayers.

Sasha saying what your feeling, I agree with everyone here its okay to say what your feel at anytime. No harm in wanting the pain and suffering to stop. I think all of us who have been caregivers have felt the same feeling.
I prayed for that with my Grandpa, an Uncle and so many friends.
So go easy don't beat yourself up.Saying it helps holding it in only lets it fester. Talking writing is a good thing .

You guys are great. A good friend of mine Ron is very ill right now and coming home to hospice the end of the week. Right now I just want his suffering to end and its just tough. Cancer stinks all of it. Its tough when someone dies of the same cancer you have yourself. I don't know how to quell the fear cause that could be me. UGH!!

Thinking of all of you, Hugs and Prayers

Sent by Kerry in Michigan | 6:18 PM ET | 09-02-2008

No ma'am. It is not easy. But please know that there will come a time when your memories will bring you joy without such sharp sense of loss. They are long-term friends to cultivate, even as you do the work of grieving now.

With love and care,

Sent by Sarah | 6:19 PM ET | 09-02-2008

It is hard to carry on when someone so important is gone. There is always that ache there, always a memory, and always a longing. Just taking the steps is the main thing Laurie.
Prayers,
Wanda Amorose

Sent by Wanda Amorose | 6:20 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Greetings Laurie Singer, people of Earth here. This is an official notification that weare watching you, listening to you, feeling you, thanking you. We are notifying you that the names Leroy Silvers and Laurie Singer have been used an uncountable number of times by an
uncountable number of people across the globe. We are notifying you that your life with Leroy has been the sole source of power for the uncountable times of joy, the uncountable times of fear, the uncountable times of anger, the uncountable times of hope, and the uncountable buckets of tears shared by an uncountable number of people across the globe. For this Laurie Singer, we the people of Earth, send you eternal appreciation, admiration, compassion, respect, and love. Thank you
for being the person you are and doing what you do. We the people of Earth feel you Laurie Singer.
We really do.

Sent by Jim in Dallas | 6:26 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie: May you continue to learn, share, teach and allow others an opportunity to express themselves. Sasha: Your honest words are helpful to others. Just look at the responses! Update: A.M. is hopefully on her way to Hope House in NYC, today. She has a long journey ahead. Blessings and strength to everyone, whatever your needs.

Sent by N. Holmes | 6:31 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,

All I can say to you, is I am so sorry. Virgie & I are shedding tears for your loss and pain, and even though we only know Leroy and you through the internet, we feel the loss of Leroy deeply.

I just got back to a computer today. Been worried about you and Leroy the entire time. (I was in NC dealing with a family crisis, for a month, -- part of it is my mom has stage IV uterine cancer; the other part was spent trying to help them deal with an abusive situation that is happening to them and around them, .... "them" being my parents.) So I have not been able to see this blog and follow how you two were doing.

So, my apologies for not sending you condolences via computer sooner.

This is just so sad. We are both so sorry. Thank you for having the courage to ask for people to keep "lifting you up," and the courage to continue to allow people to be with you in whatever ways you are needing.

You are deeply cared about Laurie.

Our offer about dogs still stands -- we have some "live" ones, you can choose from large to small -- that you could borrow if "doggie comfort" would be helpful at all.

We are out here, lifting you up. Holding you in our hearts and spirits.

Heartlight and love,

Kim and Virgie

Sent by Kim & Virgie | 6:42 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, There must be 10,000 people taking your daily baby steps with you each day, caring deeply about YOUR loss, getting teary and missing Leroy's humor and wisdom. Please keep blogging, we'll keep praying...and my favorite of all - Uno, dos y tres - Arriba!!!!

Sent by Shawna Ramsey, Reno, NV | 7:14 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Kerry in Michigan,

I'm so sorry. How hard to support some one who's a few steps in front of you. Good luck, I know you'll be feeling all of our good thoughts when you welcome your friend John home. As Laurie knows, we can lift a lot for everyone in this family.

Hugs and prayers...

Sent by Kathy Barney from Michigan | 7:35 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
I thought of you and Leroy today and after reading the other posts...
My thoughts and prayers go out to Sasha, Carlie, Ricci, Nita, Tina, Deb, Marsha, T.K., Kathy Barney, and Nikki.
Nikki in Kansas, how are you doing? I do seem drawn to those who have lost their husband, or will lose them soon. It has been 17 months for me, and yes, I can get through the days better, but I miss him so much. He is still here with me but I wish he was REALLY still here.
Jane

Sent by Jane in AR | 7:39 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie and family;
Walking day by day; praying that you will have the strength to take the next step either down memory lane or someday to a new location. Whichever and whenever, I am praying that healing and comfort and acceptance and peace and lots of comforting memories be yours. You have been on a hard road... thank you for allowing us to walk with you...
Hugs to you...take good care of yourself.

Sent by Denise from Ohio | 8:12 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie- I am sure Leroy is proud of you. You are functioning- with tears, through depression and anxieties. After my father died from ALS many years ago, I still find myself crying at the oddest times. It is usually when I have a problem and I think of what he might tell me. If you really love someone they stay in your heart forever. There is room and as time goes on there is room for laughter and life.

I appreciate so much hearing from you.

Sent by linda h. | 8:33 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha, When my brother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma multiforme I immediately started grieving and mourning. I had some experience with that one in my family already and knew what was coming. He felt he was going to beat it for a long time but months later, just before he passed, he said to his wife "This is no way to live." I was relieved when his suffering ended because I knew he was ready to go. It could have gone on so much longer if he had not convinced his wife to sign a DNR. He was given just enough really good time to have some amazing experiences and create some important memories for us. Some of his friends believed the optimism until the end and were shocked and devastated at that time. A couple of them thought me cold because I was not as outwardly wrecked by then as they were. I kept myself busy cleaning and cooking for the gathering family. Of course, they hadn't see me in private months before wailing and sobbing into my pillow. But I loved him, and I know what the truth is in my heart. My point is don't feel guilty...everyone grieves in different ways. You know in your heart that the love is there. There are probably parts of him wishing for a quick peaceful end too but also feeling guilty for that...wanting to fight as hard as he can to stay as long as possible for you and your family.

Cancer sucks all the way around...it sucks for everyone paitents and caregivers alike. There is nothing easy about it and I feel for you. I hope you find the strength you need to get through this difficult time. Add me to the long list of people sending you and Laurie strength through the air... I hope you both feel it.

Sent by Nichole in FL | 8:38 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

Memories are so hard sometimes, especially when you are still in grief. I am about to see my brother for the first time in 30 years (long story, do not ask, LOL!). Amazingly, at the same time I had breast cancer, he had been diagnosed with leukemia. Who would have thunk it??? We have been getting reaquainted the last year and now in a couple weeks I will get to hug my big brother. We will have lots of memories to share up about our parents (he had not seen them in a long time when they passed) and some of that will be sad. It will also be sad to leave him again (we live thousands of miles apart) but I will have the newest memory of him to carry me along. Keep getting out there Laurie, it will get easier.

Sent by Cindee | 9:08 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, this is tough stuff, very tough stuff. It is both a comfort and a heartache to be haunted by visions of the lost loved one. I could not go (and still go infrequently) to the grocery store where my husband and I frequently shopped. The first time I returned there I started to weep and left the grocery cart half full in the middle of the aisle. His absence in places where he was (and should still be) is felt keenly.

Still, it's important for the bereaved to be still in the world at times, even to enjoy it, even if you have to force it. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, Laurie. It will get easier the more you do it.

All the best.

Sent by Marilyn | 9:22 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie, having lost both my parents and all my sibling before the age of 48 I am no stranger to loss and death, however the loss of my wonderful loving husband Bruce after 28 months of cancer has by far been the greatest challenge in life, next to going on and living without him. I had the great fortune of becoming involved in a cancer/caregiver yoga class at out local hospital and the support,love and strength of that small group and Leroys blog are what lifted me up during Bruce's cancer and after. It is not a year yet.
The first time out is so hard..I remember about 8 weeks after Bruce had passed, I had just started back to work out of necessity and I was delivering stamps in a local store and as I waited for the money I looked around in my disconnected state and saw a Cracker Barrel gift card and my mind rememebered wonderful times and I self-consciencely started to cry and had no more control over it than I do breathing. You will have such a wide swing of emotions over the next months, be gentle to yourself. My physician told me that, then gave me a hug and said I was doing good...you are too I have no doubt. Hugs and strength from someone who is their also..just a little farther down the road than you.

Sent by raven | 9:32 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Although mourning must be embraced; as people have expressed, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The loss of your beloved Leroy will always ache but eventually life will again be for the living.
Know that your love was with him when he needed you most.
Peace

Sent by JRon | 9:34 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
You are such an incredibly brave woman! You have been so kind to us to keep this blog going in the midst of your grief and I can't imagine how you are doing it but it shows your strength. My heart goes out to you as you try to move forward without your beloved Leroy and still comfort this family.

To Nancy:
I took my husband to Milwaukee last week to see his best friend and we were in Waukesha for Harley festivities on Friday. As difficult as it was for me to push that wheelchair and lug the oxygen, it was well worth it since it will most likely be his last trip there.

To Sasha:
I too dread the day as my husbands lungs are so damaged that I believe he will eventually suffocate and the image of that and seeing him get worse is almost more than I can bear..and the nights are the worst. Like you, I never voiced the wish before but I understand. A friend who lost her husband suddenly said at least she didn't have to watch his life being chipped away day by day. How true that is.

I think these are all thoughts we have had but don't want to verbalize them. Laurie, thank you for giving us this forum and know we are thinking of you and lifting!

Sent by Kathie | 9:42 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Give yourself all the time you need, Laurie. Laugh, cry and remember. We are here for you.

Sent by Syndi | 9:56 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,
I have been reading this blog for a long time now. I always loved reading Leroys posts. Because I felt a little special connection to you guys...as I'm sure many people have. My husband was diagnosed around the same time as Leroy. A different form of Cancer...but cancer none the less. Our lives paralleled each other in so many ways and I could completely understand where you guys were coming from...because we were there too. And how these men both fought this battle with grace, strength and wisdom. We experience similar emotions as we traversed through balancing life with treaments, caregiving and hospice. Going through such similar situations, so similar that David passed just 4 days after Leroy. So, when I read your posts now. I understand where you are coming from. The dark places your mind takes you...and also the joyous places as well. We chose to embrace life despite the insurmountable odds and that is a gift we both share. Nothing I say can ease your pain. But I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. You will never be. And although I'm sure you've had many offers...and I'm a complete stranger. If you ever want to drop me an email to say hi...or that you just want to talk about what an amazing man Leroy was. Or just talk about your days as you wander through the memories of your beautiful life with the man you loved. I can listen...
If you want to know more about me, before you take that very personal leap. You can read of our life and how we chose to live despite the Cancer. It was written by me, as I chronicled our life as a wife and caregiver...And maybe you'll find comfort in knowing that you aren't alone. Be at peace. http://dreamsofawildflower.blogspot.com/

Sent by Skye Fisher-Hewett | 10:08 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Sasha, I admire the bravery of your honesty. You are in a scary place, but we are with you.

Graham, wishing you some solace from sadness. Glad to hear you found a smile.

Still lifting Laurie,
Debra Altschiller

Sent by Debra in New Hampshire | 10:48 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Oh Laurie, my heart breaks for you, none of this is easy. I think of you everyday and hope you are finding peace.
Your blog today touched me. I don't know what it's like to lose my companion or partner. I am so sorry.
I can understand the difficulties of walking memory lane though. I lost my sister who was in her late twenties a couple years ago. This weekend I was spending time at a place on the ocean where she and I always hung out. I ran into her former boyfriend, a wonderful man whom I had not seen since many times since her funeral. He has a wife and a baby now, and as beautiful as it is to see life go on in the places and for the people that meant the world to my sister, it is still sometimes hard and resurfaces sadness because I miss what are now memories, and I wish things could have been differently.
Thinking of you, and hoping you are giving yourself plenty of patience and kindness as you grieve. youre in all our hearts.

Sent by liz | 11:13 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Dear Laurie,
I think of you each day. I understand how hard it is to miss Leroy. Memory Lane is a tough road to travel. When I'm driving, each time I pass the highway exit to my sister's house, I can't believe I just keep driving, right past it. No need to get off there any more. I can't visit her. I can't laugh hysterically with her. I can't hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. Each time I sail past that highway exit, I get very, very sad. Sometime I change my route, just so I don't have to travel down memory lane. I pray for any way that your sorrow might be eased as you remember the places you went and the things you used to do together.

Sent by Catherine Bury | 11:35 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie: We doctored 250 miles from where we live, but about 4 weeks after Burge died, I had this need to return to Denver and "visit" all the places we had been...even though much of that time I went to places alone as he was in the hospital. The boys and I stayed in the same Hotel, ate in the same places, and even went to the Library where Burge and I spent time between chemo treatments. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be...but, I don't know that I could do it now, just a year later. Although some things get easier, some get harder. Thankfully, I don't have to go to those places regularly.

I do have to tell you, my cyberspace friends, that after spending Labor Day weekend at the lake where we used to go with our children years ago, I returned with a new peace. Don't know why especially since we used a new camper I bought after Burge died, the spot was not same, nor was the boat rides...but somehow I found a peace with it all, returning ready to "go to work" on the farm. So, maybe the lake was a place where closure could happen, or a place that meant more to us than I realized.

AT least that's what I'll tell myself until the hurt comes back which those of us who have gone through grief know can happen any time, any place.

Sasha: I never admitted to myself that I wanted "it" to be over...I was always wanting it to never have happened. I will tell you, however, that when it was over, I was so relieved for Burge words failed. Like Bruce, I slept for days after the funeral and for several months, I napped every time I couldn't take the hurt any longer. Sometimes I still do. You have had so much happen in addition to taking care of your husband, you can't be too hard on yourself. The body can only go so far before it effects the mind and being honest about your feelings is better than hiding them from yourself.

To all, love tonight.

Nikki

Sent by Nikki in Kansas | 11:43 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie and all the posters on this board,
I can't tell you how much you have helped me these last 6 months since my husband died. As so many of you have said, you understand what cancer patients and caregivers are going through. As good as my friends have been, they don't really know what it is like.
Even after 6 months it is the little things that trigger the tears---a little less often, but still at unexpected times. I heard an NPR program today in which a singer described melancholy as a combination of sadness, regret and love. I think her take on melancholy describes the mood after a loved one dies.
Shasha, thanks for your comments. They accurately described some of my feelings before my husband died and helped me deal with my feelings of regret.
Laurie, thanks again for continuing this blog. I think of you often and send you my best wishes.

Sent by Betsy in Oregon | 11:59 PM ET | 09-02-2008

Laurie,

Thank you for continuing the blog. This community is here to support you through these tough days.

I travelled to Hawaii and was there when Leroy's obituary was published in the Honolulu Advertiser. Clearly he made an impact there as well.

Everyone on 3...

Sent by Marie in Minneapolis | 12:30 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
It seemed my mom could talk about my dad without crying about 1 year after he died. It is a slow, but inevitable journey. Do what feels right to you and know your "blog" family is with you all the way, cheering from the sidelines.

Sent by Carolyn | 12:33 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Dear Laurie,

Baby steps...

Strength, peace and healing prayers.

Karen

Sent by karen weixel | 1:08 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Hi Laurie -

What I experienced initially after my mom died is that things that belonged to her, thoughts I wanted to share with her but couldn't now, pictures of her brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes, this happened without warning in public. I'd just start tearing up because I missed her so much. The pain was real. She was my rock, my best friend. But then, after awhile, it was her things, the thoughts I wanted to share with her and pictures of her that helped me feel better. They all reminded me of the close relationship we had and how much I loved her and still do. That's not over and never will be. And I think the same will be true for you. It is a slow process and hard at first. It'll get better, I promise. Hugs to you.

Sent by Linnea | 6:14 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie,
think 'baby steps' and know that some of them will be backwards. the important thing is to keep taking them. some days just getting out of bed, dressed and making an effort to leave the house will be your steps. know how many people love you and are praying for you in your journey. with love,

Sent by valerie Longfellow | 6:27 AM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie- I lost my fiance nice months ago and your post about going down memory lane hit such a nerve with me. The grieving process for me has been confusing, painful, emotionally exhausting.

As Iive my life I find it hard to believe that it is nine months since I have held him, talked to him. He was such a huge presence in my life, such a huge personality, how can he be just gone.

I was driving to work one day not long ago and there was a man in front of me on a motorcycle who looked just like my fiance, so much so that I absoltely thought it was him and I just followed this guy in my car. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I finally pulled off to the side of the road and broke down weeping. I had such a profound and deep sense of grief and loss that I was in physical pain, I sat in my car and just howled. I wanted to hold him so badly just one more time. and I guess that was when i really took it in that he was really gone and not coming back.

I surround myself with my kids and grandkids and just enjoy my time with them, they keep me going but it is so hard and I thought after nine months it would be so much easier.

Everywhere I go I have memories of being there with him. I wait for the day when these memories will comfort me but I am not there yet

Sent by Kathy | 12:02 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie.... I can so understand. Everything is so bittersweet. I cannot bring myself to remove my daughter's email address from my list, her telephone number from my cellphone, or her messages from my answering machine... yet listening or seeing them, always give me a pang. Bittersweet indeed.

Getting out is a good thing, when you are ready. It is oh, so easy, to retreat and lose yourself if you don't make the effort.

Kathy.... You really struck a chord with me regarding seeing someone who looked like your fiance. I remember several months after losing my mother, seeing a woman walking down the street that looked so much like her. I knew it wasn't her but I found myself following her, almost trying to "breathe in" her substance and absorb her into myself.

We had our daughter's celebration of life service on the 17th; it was beautiful. Wonderful to see family and old friends. The slide show was so beautiful, but most memorable was the day before, releasing some of her ashes, along with rose petals, in a lake of her childhood where she had so many great memories. Two of her closest friends were with us, and the petals drifted across the lake, all together in a group, as though they were headed to a particular destination. After the service, at her request, we released 99 red balloons. The wind was really kicking up when we let them go, but it suddenly calmed and then a gentle breeze came through and carried them all off together, up through a clearing between two large trees, into the heavens. Couldn't help thinking she was calling them to her. It felt so good to do everything the way she had wanted, and we all felt good despite our loss.

Blessings to you all.

Sent by Betty Obst | 8:51 PM ET | 09-03-2008

Laurie, you are in my thoughts all these days. Thank you for telling us about the service this afternoon. I'll be there.

When I was grieving and lamenting and mourning over the death of my fiance (Eric died in my arms, on a plane-flight) it was these simple lines that comforted me, soothed me, and gave me solace. And still do: "You may break, you may shatter the vase, if you will, But the scent of roses will hang round it still. Thomas Moore
Love to you this day, Kathy

Sent by Kathleen Hale | 8:25 AM ET | 09-14-2008