National Spirits For Celebrating And Drowning Sorrows

Booze certainly won't help you fulfill your dream of playing in the World Cup, but, whether it be for joyful toasting or teary-eyed commiserating, many soccer fans are going to need some alcohol.

But what to drink during what match? Surely it's sacrilege to swill, say, vodka during a German game, or Jägermeister during a French game. Just as, no matter who's playing, it's always offsides to order a cocktail with Red Bull in it. Show Me Your Cleats is here to help, comrade. Read on and drink up!

 

Algeria: Despite being a Muslim country, Algeria has a rich history of inebriation that stretches back to its years under the decadent Roman empire. If you can find a Coteaux De Mascara at your wine shop, buy a lot, because Algeria's not looking good.

Argentina: Lionel Messi may be the Cup's best player, but don't expect his smoothness to translate to Argentina's most famous cocktail. Fernet-Branca and Coke, while certainly the most authentic beverage for your Argentina-themed partying, also terrifies many who have had it. Still, if drinking what tastes like a mixture of aftershave, medicine and herbal tea sounds pleasurable, salud.

Australia: In case you don't know, bringing a few outsized cans of Foster's Lager to an Australia game is akin to offering up a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme at a Cinco de Mayo gathering. To avoid the wrath of a slighted Aussie, come prepared with a six-pack of Victoria Bitter, "Australian for beer" if anything is. It's not easy to find in the US, but it's not impossible either.

Brazil: Just as Brazil the team is a perennial Cup favorite, when it comes to Brazilian drinks, everyone loves the caipirinha. But relegating the country's national liquor, cachaça, a close relative to rum, to just one drink is as inefficient as putting Kaká in goal. Instead, try a batida, a refreshing blend of cachaça, muddled fruit, condensed milk and simple syrup.

Côte d'Ivoire: Good luck finding some bangui, an Ivorian palm wine, without first boarding a plane to Yamoussoukro, the nation's capital. Nevertheless, odds are you'll be able pick up another of the nation's top sellers somewhere near your home—ever hear of Guinness? Ireland's oft-heralded black gold is purchased more on the African continent than anywhere else in the world, making it one of the top beers in Cameroon, Nigeria and Ghana as well.

Denmark: If you're feeling particularly heartbroken after Denmark's 2-0 loss to the Netherlands, try several shots of aquavit, a spiced Scandanavian spirit, to ease your woes. It's recommended that everyone else stick to sipping Carlsberg, surely Denmark's most soccer-friendly beer.

England: So as to avoid comments from people irritated by my omission of their favorite lager, I'm avoiding beer altogether here. Instead, drink some Pimm's, a distinctly British beverage modeled after the taste of gin. You can serve Pimm's as is on the rocks, but cutting it with lemonade brings out its citrus flavors—not to mention makes it perfect for the summer.

France: Clearly, the obvious choice here is wine, which is always adequate. But why be just adequate during an event that only comes around every four years? To really calm your nerves during Henry et al.'s upcoming shootout with Mexico, go with the French 75: gin, champagne, lemon juice and simple syrup.

Germany: Beer! Preferably one with at least four Ws and Zs in its name.

Greece: Lots and lots of ouzo will do. Greece has been driving many people to drink lately—even well before its squad fell to South Korea in the first round.

Honduras: Though not known for its drinking culture, Honduras exports its Ports Royal beer for a hefty markup. Again, before balking at the sticker price, repeat after me: "It's once ever four years. It's once every four years."

Italy: In honor of New Jersey-born Italian striker Giuseppe Rossi, pour yourself an Americano — Campari, vermouth and club soda — so-called because of its popularity with American visitors to Milan the '20s. Try not to spill it out of shock at the Italian club's devotion to taking dives.

Japan: As we continue our never-ending quest to subjugate the obvious, please, root on Japan not with sake, but a Bloody Mary. Of course, you have to make it in the maticulous Japanese way.

Republic of Korea: Cass beer, South Korea's favorite, is also notoriously terrible. South Korea does education really well. Booze? Not so much. Best to stick with soju—basically a sweet Korean vodka—and pineapple juice.

North Korea: North Korea exports soju as well, but you don't wanna give North Korea money, right?

Mexico: Watching Mexico games is an instance during which I completely support being cliched. Let margaritas abound, with the only caveat being that you use real triple sec and lime juice, not some cloying "mix." Also, ditch the Coronas in favor of Tecate micheladas—mix the beer with hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce and lime juice.

Netherlands: As a matter of course, Grolsch > Amstel > Heineken, though all of them are trumped by Jenever, Dutch gin. Jenever is traditionally poured over ice and drunk in small shots, but if you'd like to see straight while watching your orangemen take on Japan, there's no shame in mixing the fiery liquid with a little club soda.

New Zealand: Until the arrival of outside settlers, New Zealand's Maori people had never even heard of alcohol. Perhaps you'd like to just have some water during their games instead? Then again, if you'd like to take the edge off the pounding they're almost certainly to receive from Italy, buy yourself a case of Steinlager, which is readily available at better beer stores.

Paraguay: Thanks to German immigrants in the 1800s, Paraguay's beer selection bears a noticeable Teutonic influence. The nation's most famous beer, Baviera, is actually surprisingly good (like team Paraguay). Too bad you can't find it anywhere in America.

Portugal: With Cristiano Ronaldo, soccer's preeminent pretty boy, helming team Portugal, I thought the Portuguese Daisy would be appropriate. Combine some of Portugal's famous port wine with brandy, lemon juice, sugar and Grenadine, then sip daintily. You're beautiful, baby!

Serbia, Slovakia and Slovenia: The Balkan teams, like their fans, are individual cadres of rough and tumble badasses (see Nemanja Vidic), squads as prepared for fistfights as they are corner kicks. It follows, then, that Slivovitz, the traditional plum brandy sometimes brewed in Balkan homes, goes down harshly and leaves a big headache. No pain, no gain.

South Africa: Though the host team is playing valiantly thus far, there are few things in South Africa more majestic than its elephants. Toast the players and the pachyderms with an Elephant's Mudbath, South Africa's version of the White Russian. Mix vodka with Amarula, a South African cream liqueur, and some crème de cacao. DO NOT STIR WITH AN IVORY SPOON!

Spain: While watching Spanish games, it's again time to be cliched: sangria! There are about a million different ways to make sangria, 999,999 of which are good, so just poke around Google until you find a recipe that suits your palate.

Switzerland: Swiss alcohol is scarcely more boring than Swiss soccer, so skip trying to find any and maybe have a fondue party instead?

Uruguay: Uruguay is playing not bad soccer! They held off France in their opener and are now on their way to what should be an interesting match with South Africa. Toast to their as yet lowly success with clerico. An Uruguayan take on sangria, clerico calls for white wine instead of red, making it that much more refreshing on a hot day.

USA: If you're snobby, you should drink bourbon while watching our boys scrap on the pitch, as bourbon is the best uniquely American alcohol in history. But, if you're being honest, you should just drink Bud Light, American beer that's just like American soccer: simple and not very good, yet effective from time to time. USA!

 

Cord Jefferson is a staff writer for The Root and a frequent contributor to The Awl.