Who's Sorry Now?

Ever hear "Sorry about that, Chief"?

That's what a lot of apologies today sound like.

Sent by richard cole | 2:15 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I am so glad you chose this subject for the show. I have actually been researching apologies to find a way I can apologize to someone I just left hanging on a project and on our friendship and never responded to since last summer. I want to apologize but I keep putting off the apology because I can't think of an apology that would ever actually equal the level of my careless and irresponsible behavior.

Sent by FB in Boston | 2:16 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I was apologized perhaps 6 years after a housemate had treated me miserably. Just hearing her apologize was very moving, but then hearing her explanation (sexually abused and unaware, thus angry and displacing anger onto me) was even more moving. Forgiveness was immediate and total.

Sent by Erika Hunter | 2:17 PM ET | 03-08-2007

How about getting an apology from a "friend" who very overtly and rudely stood me up for dinner? The apology received 6 months later, via a two-line email message. Tacky, tacky, tacky. (And he was an ex-boyfriend I was considering getting back together with. Of course, he broke up with me in email, too...)

Sent by Edie Freedman | 2:20 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Shouldn't every appology be followed by "I will NEVER do ti again?"

Sent by Laura | 2:21 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Is an apology a sign of weakness or guilt? It seems that a lot of people (particularly politicians) don't apologize because they don't want to seem weak or guilty. If they are guilty, then they might have to do something about it (think: reparations).

Sent by Jim | 2:23 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Some people are so ready to take offense or put the worst construction on a situation; is there a way to politely apologize but not affirm the offense the person imagined?

Sent by Andrea in Iowa | 2:24 PM ET | 03-08-2007

For a buttonhole, quick! Play "It was the Whiskey Talk'n, Not Me" from Jerry Lee Lewis' "Young Blood" album.

Sent by Mike Pod- | 2:25 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Don't underestimate the need for insincerity. Most or all of us live in a world where (apologies for sounding like a movie trailer) people have to live with other people with power over them, either physical or emotional or financial. In those circumstances, there will inevitably be cases where a powerful person feels slighted for no good reason---and my experience is that the higher in power, the thinner the skin. In order to get by we must apologise regardless.

I'm not in favour of "society as massive S&M game", but it's the way things look to my high-functioning autist eyes.

Sent by "Dagwood Bumstead" | 2:27 PM ET | 03-08-2007

You guy's should apologize for putting a boring topic like this on an increasingly boring show (that used to be good).

Sent by Rich C. | 2:27 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I'm really glad to hear this program.

Question though, how do you communicate and make understand a person who's doing a horrible job at appologizing, perhaps without realizing she's not speaking and using words that are helpful to the situation? In fact, I'm talking about my sister, who's kind of proud and can't afford to lose "face". Typical apologies from her would be, "Okay it's *all* my fault, okay? Now you're happy? Leave me alone!" When I tried to tell her that sounds not sincere and totally running away from solving the real problem she gets more livid, "I already admit it's my fault! What do you want by persecuting me more?!" When it wasn't always who's fault we're settling. Usually I just walk away and don't deal with emo storm like this, but I think I need to learn how to handle mess like this.

Sent by Jen | 2:29 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Sometimes the world seems divided into those who cheerfully cut off heads witout guilt and those who apologise for breathing.

Sent by "Dagwood Bumstead" | 2:30 PM ET | 03-08-2007

What about the case in MA recently when a 10 year old girl beat up a grown woman in a Target store who refused to apologize for bumping into her? The girl severly beat this woman.

Sent by ilah | 2:31 PM ET | 03-08-2007

My sister wrote a legal article (she's a lawyer) on changing the law to allow for apologies in lawsuits in Oklahoma. The Oklahoma legislature took up the legislation, although it didn't pass. The power of apology was the thesis of her article.

Sent by Lori | 2:33 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Why do people, in public and private, think that saying "I'm sorry" absolves them of their actions? That they may therefore forget about it? This is a pattern of behavior thats causing me a lot of concern.

Sent by Karlynn [pronounced kar'-linn] | 2:34 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I wonder about apologies at work if you mess up on something that affects your coworkers. It's one thing in a personal relationship to humble yourself and admit to being totally at fault and wrong, but at work? You can't say, "I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I'm totally inept." I would think it's not a good idea to suggest that to your coworkers.

Sent by lynn | 2:36 PM ET | 03-08-2007

One thing I often have to remind my children (and husband) is that saying "I'm sorry" does not guarantee that you will be immediately forgiven. Sometimes it takes someone a while to get over their hurt feelings or anger. If, however, you want the person to get past those feelings, an apology is an absolutely essential first step, and then you may have to do some work or be patient for them to come around.

Sent by Lisa Rist | 2:38 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I hate to say it, but half of the time that we "apologize" for something it is because the other party is so caught up in their being offended that they are not willing to engage in a true two-way conversation about what caused the problem to begin with. If the offended can't spend the time to educate the "offender" about why he feels the way he does than there is nothing that the instigator of those reactions can do--much less genuinely apologize for anything.
Also, a line needs to be drawn when the recipient outright refuses to accept a well intended apology. Bad things happen. Sometimes unseemly things happen for no good reason. Sometimes people do things because it is a good idea for them and get accused of actively or passively trying to offend someone else. In these cases we need to remember that life is too short to fail to get over ourselves and therefore fail to move on in cases where there is no objective breach of respect.

Sent by N1XIM | 2:38 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Sometimes I think an apology is an easy way out for bad behavior. People think everything will be all right because they said "I'm sorry", yet they continue to do the wrong/bad thing. My three and half year old does this all the time, but I know adults who do it, too.

Sent by Gretchen | 2:38 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Four steps to an apology that my spouse and I have agreed to use:
1)Take responsibility, identify the action.
2) Here is what I did. Here is how it affected you
3)I'm Sorry.
4) What I intend to do about it.

I have found this useful in all relationships.

Sent by Wendy Jones | 2:39 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Last October I was in a crosswalk when a woman hit me with her car. She ran up saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Then ruined the affect by adding, "I didn't see you. You must have run in front of me."

(Yes, I must have been chasing my ball!)

Sent by Patricia | 2:43 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Apologizing can vary by genders. I know many women who I think over apologize or are ready to say sorry, whereas men, especially younger men seem to choose sentimentless ways of expressing their sorrow (or simply knowledge that they've been in error) with expressions like "my bad". Although over-generalized, I think this holds true.

Sent by jenel farrell | 2:43 PM ET | 03-08-2007

This topic is absurd. Your experts make it seem as though everyone should apologize anytime they offend anyone. People have differing opinions and people make mistakes. If people would just thicken their skin they'd lead much happier lives. If I offended someone on the Christian Right with my political beliefs I am not going to apologize.

Sent by Dustin | 2:44 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Loved this show. I wish it could go on mainstream TV. Many, many people need to hear this! (me, included!) It never hurts to learn something.

Sent by kelly taylor | 2:47 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I have a friend who's upset with me, but I don't know why because she refuses to speak to me. I've apologized for all the specific and vague things I can imagine I might have done to offend her, and expressed how much I value her friendship, and expressed how distressed I am to have caused this rift... But nothing seems to get through to her. It breaks my heart. What can you do when you don't know what to apologize for?

Sent by Gigi | 2:48 PM ET | 03-08-2007

What about forgiveness and when to stop forgiving after the person continues to do the same thing.

Sent by Chris from Woodburn, Oregon | 2:50 PM ET | 03-08-2007

After a great 24 years of marriage, my still gorgeous wife decided it was time to go our way alone.
After the proceedings were concluded and I was left penniless, car less and homeless and standing outside the courthouse in Jefferson County Alabama (Birmingham) and from the side door out comes the judge who walked right up to me and said:
I really sorry things turned out this way but you have to understand: Here in Alabama we frown on any Black man who makes more money than us and then you had to marry a white woman to boot. Then, shaking his head he walked way.

Sent by Gregory M. Bruce | 2:50 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Sorry your children haven't lived up to your inflated expectations.

Sent by Bob Kupsch | 2:51 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Regarding "My bad": It is my understanding that it originates from playground basketball. In that case you don't have time for a wordy expression of your regret, before needing to get back to the task at hand.

Also, I think it's the feeling and sincerety behind the apology that make the difference. A "my bad" with sincerety is better than something that may be more eloquent and wordy, but not heartfelt.

Sent by Jason Walton | 2:52 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I had an experience last summer where I was at a party, and at one point late in the evening a fellow party goer made a semetic joke. I am Jewish, but I did not take offence, because it was not direct and it was meant as a joke, and nothing more. One of my friends responded to his comments by telling the jokester that I was Jewish. He apologized profusely, much too intensely for the infraction. To this day, everytime I see him, he apologizes. It's gotten to the point where I am becoming much more angry about the apologizing than I was about the original joke. What should I do (if anything)?

Sent by Aaron | 2:54 PM ET | 03-08-2007

The phrase "my bad" was first heard in the movie "Clueless" but was also used in the TV show "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" alot, and it is meant to be facetious. I've always thought it was rather rude, though some people use it when they actually feel sorry.

Sent by Karen Spencer | 2:54 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I enjoyed the last callers comments on our societies ego thinking and choosing "my bad" instead of "I'm sorry". I have experienced slipping away from an apology to escape the embarrassment and responsibility but also have enjoyed the power of being humble and taking responsibility for my actions. Getting past the ego is probably the toughest part and worth it.

Sent by Greg | 2:56 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I believe that apologies are first and foremost intended to convey the speaker's sorrow of an action (or lack thereof). However, an apology also acts as a social word similar to "How are you?" by making relationships possible. This is especially important in a country were there are so many cultures living together. Just as important as the apology (whether sincere or not) is the listeners acceptance and forgiveness (feigned or not).

Sent by Anna | 2:56 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I've been listening to Ask Amy about the Art of Apology. I am an Orthodox Christian and our Lenten period starts with Forgiveness Sunday...a special service where we ask not only God's forgiveness for our sins of the past year, but also the forgiveness of our fellow parishioners. We form an every growing line as we exit the church, greeting each and every parishoner with a hug and/or a kiss while saying "forgive me" (...if I have offended you in any way during the past year"). It's a beautifully cathartic act, even if you know that you haven't harbored or caused any ill-will against that particular person. The service of Forgiveness Sunday" is central to the tenents of the Orthodox Church and we can't reach the joy of the day of Resurrection without humbling ourselves and participating in this group act of contrition.

Susan

Sent by Susan M. Barna | 2:57 PM ET | 03-08-2007

I think William Carlos Williams' poem, "This Is Just To Say," is so appropriate for this discussion:

http://homepages.wmich.edu/~cooneys/poems/wcw.plums.html

It's a wonderful poem because it apologizes without making excuses.

Sent by Brittany Kallman | 2:58 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Here's a card:

Front, a sketch of a dollar bill, and the words:

"I'm sorry you got mugged
Let me give you a hug"

and then on the inside...

"I promise I won't steal your wallet."

A card for every occassion!

Sent by Adam S | 2:59 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Recently, Mr. Jim Zumbo, late of Outdoor Life, the NRA and Remington Arms went down in flames for saying, more or less, that assault rifles were not appropriate weapons of choice for hunting and especially not for hunting prairie dogs. He was immediately cut off from a lifetime of association with all his public affiliations with these organizations, despite an immediate and
supposedly, heartfelt, apolgies to everyone remotely connected. He is still and forevermore persona non grata.
So much for apology.

Sent by Madelon Daniels | 2:59 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Apologizing gets the ball rolling but in order for healing and forgivness to happen, we need to acknowledge the other person's feelings. We may be sorry, but they're still hurt! Ask how they feel, don't judge them or say that they're overreacting, and give them time to get over it.

Sent by Wendy | 3:00 PM ET | 03-08-2007

My former husband, just a week before he died, asked me for my forgiveness...he had never apologized to me ever in more than 30 years, and there had been some fairly grim stuff.

Even though I had worked really hard to drop my resentment, to understand etc. It is hard to express how incredible that was for me. For me it was a huge gift I never expected. I feel so grateful as I Know it was hard for him to do it, and I know it did help him in his last few days.

I would only add to Lynn who was concerned about apologizing to her co-workers when she did something that impacted co-workers. She would gain nothing but respect by apologizing, learning from her mistake. If she does nothing, she will soon find that her work atmosphere becomes less and less pleasant. (I am a life coach and have worked with people on such issues for years)

Sent by Kate | 3:01 PM ET | 03-08-2007

This was the worst waste of air time I have ever heard. With so many other pressing issues....what a waste.

Sent by Portland Oregon | 3:04 PM ET | 03-08-2007

What an amazingly narrow-minded topic. Without discussing the perceived offense in detail and/or the relative merits of both sides of situation, saying an apology is necessary or not, or whether it should reasonably be qualified by an "if" or a "but", seems hopelessly inadequate.

I'm sorry if my words are interpreted in a way that offends. Let's talk about it...

Sent by dave | 3:05 PM ET | 03-08-2007

How, when, where you say something, and the words you choose to say it with defines what you mean. Not what you think you mean. What you said to another person only takes on meaning at where that other person is, not where you are.

Sent by Yen | 3:12 PM ET | 03-08-2007

1. An explanation for bad behavior is not the same as an excuse, contrary to what many believe. Although having a context in which to put the offensive behavior may
help the victim forgive the transgressor,
an apology (and some type of restorative justice/change in future behavior where applicable) is still necessary.

Sent by susan | 3:13 PM ET | 03-08-2007

"My bad" actually started with NBA giant Manute Bol, who was Sudanese. So he naturally took some liberties with English, and that caught on with players everywhere.

Sent by Parker | 3:27 PM ET | 03-08-2007

When listening to the show I heard a caller complain about the phrase 'My Bad'. I think he and Sarah misinterpret the comment. 'My Bad' is only an acknowledgment of responsibility there is no 'apology' implied in the use of that phrase. Its use should be limited to those instances when an error has been made but an apology is not warrented. For instance forgetting to put an attachment on an e-mail, but following up immediately with another note with the attachment. No apolgy is necessary, but accepting responsibilty for the error is the decent thing to do.

'My bad' fits those circumstances where 'sorry' is an overstatment. In fact the over use of 'sorry' leads to a diminishment of meaning of the word.

Sent by Bob Holtz | 3:32 PM ET | 03-08-2007

My husband won't apologize because he knows his face would collapse.

Sent by withheld | 6:02 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Just read the comment from Chris from Woodburn, Oregon. It seems to have become much easier to ask forgiveness than to change offensive behaviors in today's climate of apology.

Sent by Darlene | 6:29 PM ET | 03-08-2007

You obviously have too much time on your hands. And I'm not sorry for saying it.

Sent by Matt Beres | 6:45 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Right after a bad shopping experience, I heard this program on the radio!!! Then after complaining to the manager, I got a phone message "Sorry, if I came across....." a little insincere.

Sent by Tyler Williams | 7:57 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Great quiz, but nobody's submitting answers!

(1) George W. Bush, Abu Ghraib (sp?)
(2) Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky dalliance
(3) Dan Rather, the reporting on the supposed records showing flaws in George Bush's Air National Guard service.
(4) I have no idea
(5) Arnold Schwarzenegger (sp?), but I don't know about what.
(6) I don't know, but probably an NBA player apologizing for playing a part in a bench-clearing brawl

So what's the prize?

Tom

Sent by Tom | 8:19 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Tom,
Well done! Though that still leaves two unidentified speakers. As for the prize... ummm, you get pride in a job well done? Oh, and you get bragging rights on the blog, of course! If that's not enough, maybe we can steal a line from an earlier post: "I'm sorry you feel that way..." (this IS an apology segment, after all)!
Anyone else want to weigh in the other two apologizers?

Sent by Scott Cameron, Talk of the Nation | 9:05 PM ET | 03-08-2007

Tom, here's a little help.

(4) McKinney apologizing on the House floor of the House for the "physical" incident with the Capital Police officer.

(6) Mike Tyson after, I think, he bit part of Holyfield's ear off.

NPR, Thanks for the program. I imagine many people have no idea that they are offending while trying to apologize.

Perhaps, the goal of apology should be the focus: reconciliation. Often the concern spirals downward into what's fair and who's to blame rather than relational reconnecting.

Sent by Jim Taylor | 11:26 AM ET | 03-09-2007

There were many comments during th show about rehab and alcoholics,and how that is used as a cop out. What is ironic is that those of us who have stuck with the "program" and practiced the 12 steps, have practiced a form of apology called making amends that works quite well; the key to a good amends is going beyond "sorry" by (1) being very specific about the incident, (2)being humble and contrite with the apology (3) resisting all impulse to defend or make excuses, and (4) ask "how can I square the account" or something similar. It works well.

I wish that recoverng alcoholics weren't under such a cloud, a stigma- there are millions of us who have permanently turned our lives around to the benefit of everyone around us!

Sent by Eric D (anonymous!) | 10:04 PM ET | 03-09-2007

Here's a classic. I was reading Wired magazine (January issue) on the plane back from Jacksonville this morning and in the "undo" section (where they correct errors in previous editions), there is the following entry:

In "Building a Better Batttery" (Issue 14.11) a Rayovac flashlight battery was pictured above text about computer batteries bursting into flames. The layout was not intended to suggest that Rayovac batteries have caused computers to explode or that they are defective in any way. We regret any inference created by the photo."

So, in addition to the weak "we regret," what they're sorry for is the reader's "inference," not their implication. I.e., they're sorry we screwed up and misinterpreted their intent, but not that they screwed up and misled us.

Utterly worthless.

Tom.

Sent by Thomas | 8:05 PM ET | 03-12-2007