s is a post-mortem Christmas letter!

Sent by mary bratton | 3:12 PM ET | 05-30-2007

These are a wonderful idea. I would hope that some things mentioned though shouldn't wait until after you've passed away. I wonder what things we haven't told our kids or family which would make a greater impression on them. You just don't want those you leave behind to think "if I only knew".

Sent by William B | 3:20 PM ET | 05-30-2007

I think there is value to inheriting a written statement from a person's heart. For example, we cherish old love letters. I also think there is value to what is communicated between people, in their presence, before death. Some of my most important memories come from such an interaction. It is said that a student should be in the master's presence. Some things are communicated in a way that is felt between people.

Before my Dad died, I was open to his state of mind as it faced the realization that this was his most important chance to communicate. This openness between us was at a height before his death. All the other clutter of our live's details was cleared away. I still make important choices, thinking of what he told me. He said it in metaphor. That mysteriousness gives it more power because the specifics of what he said can't be challenged. They were never stated in a way such that other people could disgrace. This important transmission of information happened because I was open to death as a part of the life cycle. I think the wisdom of the deceased continues to live on through us, if we value it and carry it on.

Sent by Irene C | 4:03 PM ET | 05-30-2007

I listened with intent during this discussion. My mother died in the midst of changing her will. She had a heart attack which makes the story more compelling. The next day she would change the will to give all benefits to 2 of the 7 children.
You mentioned the character of the person. My mother was always the most even and attempting to be fair. In her dresser, I found Christmas lists with all seven children's names (and an eighth column for my sister born Dec 26) She made sure that each person had the same number of gifts to open AND was within a few dollars of the same cost per child.
This woman would not have created an unbalanced will.
The sadness of losing my father took a toll and created a broken heart for her. My personal story was that Daddy told God to get her up to heaven before she did any damage to the family that she loved.
We had legal battles to determine which will and have had family members estranged.
This was not the legacy that she would have wanted.
You suggestion of going before a religious group would have made the most sense for a woman who had a large statue of the Blessed Virgin on her dresser.
Thanks for this conversation

Sent by Margaret Richards | 4:06 PM ET | 05-30-2007

I don't mean to sound callous by saying I was open to death as a part of the life cycle (in my post above). At first, I tried to ward off death by suggesting this or that possible remedy. However, it was an uphill battle and I was decades too late. At last I accepted it. The whole time, I valued it as a chance to be open to what my Dad had to say. I knew everything from his life was culminating into one ultimate awareness. A person's state as they approach death is very important. I'm glad our culture is starting to appreciate this more.

Sent by Irene C | 4:23 PM ET | 05-30-2007

As a volunteer writer, I interview senior residents about their memories and life stories. I always wrap up with questions like, What have you learned in life? and How would you like to be remembered? The responses have been heart-warming and affirming for me personally, and I hope will someday be treasured by their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The recorded interviews are transcribed and formatted in an individual album as LIFE STORIES for each of the interviewees. I would be interested to hear from anyone else doing this kind of work.

Sent by Dana Moriarty | 5:23 PM ET | 05-30-2007

Call me a cynic, but this just grabs me as a way for the baby boom generation to stroke their egos from beyond the grave.

Sent by John Williams | 7:50 PM ET | 05-30-2007

I listen to TOTN faithfully via podcast so I hear it a day late usually. I listened to the piece on ethical wills this morning and had to agree with the two callers who felt that they were more of an attempt to produce self-aggrandizing history re-writes. How one lives one's life should be one's legacy.

I also found the conversation one-sided in terms of the wonderful memories and happy families presented by the panelists. In my own family, and the families of many others, my mother has been trying to pretend my sisters' and my childhood didn't happen for 30 years, now. Any ethical will people like her would write would be useless because she has no ability to reflect on her own mistakes nor to examine her own motivations.

I am thrilled for the panelists children that they had parents who loved them and desired to pass values on to them, but I think it's important to recognize that not all of us were so lucky.

Sent by Susan | 11:55 AM ET | 05-31-2007