Mawidge*

When I was planning my wedding at age 32, I was a member of an on-line bridal community. I was SHOCKED at the number of mid-30s professional women who were ticked at their parents because they refused to pitch in for the extravagant affairs these midlife princesses expected. Sorry. You are an adult - you've been out of school for a while and are already established in your career. Quit sucking money from your parents' retirement funds!

Sent by Laurel from Sterling Heights, MI | 2:12 PM | 6-21-2007

We are throwing a couples shower for a friend this weekend. Couples shower!!! What's up with that? What's worse is the friend aked us to throw it for them and wanted 100 guests to be invited.

Sent by Gary - Minneapolis | 2:13 PM | 6-21-2007

I'm getting married on July 14th. Everyone, including my fiance and me, seems to hate the many of the traditional wedding components. So we planned a rather non-traditional event, abandonning everything from the bridal party to the posed pictures to the formal toasts. And boy did we hear complaints! Everyone wanted us to defend each of our decisions to avoid certain traditions that we'd heard these same people call boring. The worst fiasco so far occured when we decided to ask guests (through others, not on our invitations!) to make a donation to charity rather than give us a gift - it seems even though people regularly denounce weddings as "gift grabbing" events, it's even more annoying when the couple isn't registered! We quickly fixed that faux pas, and we're now registered at two national chains...

Sent by Cara | 2:13 PM | 6-21-2007

I am just weeks away from my wedding. We decided to have a biggish wedding (120 guests) because my fiance (the groom) wanted a wedding. I wanted to elope. I am so stressed and anxious that I have considered calling my doctor for some medicated help. Is this a legitimate means of surviving the wedding madness?

Sent by Stephanie | 2:14 PM | 6-21-2007

The show has only just begun but I've always had an aggravation with brides that take over the whole wedding as if it were that they were the only ones getting married. Granted, some grooms don't want to get too involved in the planning (you wonder if they give up because of a Bridezilla...) but women seem to get too involved in the whole affair and forget the real reason they are getting married: for love of each other.
We had some things go wrong with our wedding - the priest forgot to read half of the second reading, the DJ announced a father/daughter dance when my father (at that time) was not in communication with me. (True, nothing major.)
You know what? We survived it, everyone commented on what a relaxed and fun event it was - even 11 years later we have folks talking about it.
So - do you want to go into your marriage already owing a huge bill so you can finance your wedding or do you want to have a less extravagent wedding and less bills. Trust me - there will be plenty more of those later...(especially if you get pregnant on your wedding night...LOL)

Sent by Angela | 2:16 PM | 6-21-2007

My fiancee Donna and I are in our late twenties and planning our wedding completely without parental interference. Our wedding is July 21 (One Month!) and we have nearly everything taken care of. The best way to accomplish this is to seperate duties between the bride and groom (She handles invitations/flowers/paraphenalia, I call the location/caterer/photographer, etc.) It's worked out great and given us plenty of preparation for marriage and working together for the rest of our lives.

Matthew
Berkeley

Sent by Matthew | 2:18 PM | 6-21-2007

Weddings make people crazy!! My best advice is to do what you want...you will not please everyone no matter how hard you try. So, do what you & the groom want and to heck w/ everyone else. BTW I'm approaching my 18th wedding anniversary :)

Sent by Christine | 2:22 PM | 6-21-2007

Please, please, please, stop using the word "bridezilla." It is a meaningless, irritating buzz word that is irking me to no end at the office right now!!!

Sent by Vijay Ramesh | 2:24 PM | 6-21-2007

Would it please Rebecca if USA were a third world nation where the wedding dress were made of burlap, the groom in a fig leaf, and the cake made of mud, seaweed, and lily pads?

The wedding ring could be made of clay with a pebble in place of the diamond. It's a shame we're so opulent, right?!

You can't rape the willing. There would be no 'wedding industry' without many many many willing participants.

Vive-la-capitalism!

Sent by Mike | 2:28 PM | 6-21-2007

Here in North Little Rock many couples get married at the T. R. Pugh Memorial Park. It is locally known as ???The Old Mill??? and is the last remaining piece of scenery from Gone With the Wind. Best of all it???s free. On nice days there are more than 6 couples getting married ??? usually in sequence, but there have been some exciting moments.

Sent by Don Chambers | 2:28 PM | 6-21-2007

Ten years ago my husband and I decided to forego the garter, as well as the bouquet throw along with a few other cliches - especially the chicken dance and "yetch" the candle-lighting ceremony. A number of our guests were disappointed - though fewer than we thought. JUST SAY NO!! (even though it's hard)

Sent by Christine | 2:29 PM | 6-21-2007

Have you talked with anyone who has had one of those over the top weddings after the fact...would they do it all over again, was it worth it?

Sent by Sharon | 2:29 PM | 6-21-2007

Our wedding (2 years ago July) was great fun! We had the ceremony and reception in the same room, no one had to drive, and our only goal was to get married and have fun doing it. We had 300 people and everyone says it was the most fun wedding they had been to. We didn't worry about getting everything perfect, my dress was 100$ on ebay, and I wouldn't change a thing! The total cost was $14,000, which is still a TON!

Sent by Regan | 2:30 PM | 6-21-2007

My fiance and I are getting married on July 14th and we are paying for our wedding with the help of our parents. We did not ask for money from them and were prepared to pay for it ourselves since we are in our 30's with good jobs. They offered to give us some money to help defray the costs and we were very thankful. We have a large group of friends and they have been very generous by giving us several parties. I have really been overwhelmed (in a nice way) by all of the support! I am looking forward to having all of our friends and family at the wedding.

Sent by Jennife | 2:30 PM | 6-21-2007

We always hear about extravagant weddings, but what about different cultural weddings such as Indian ceremonies which can last up to four days. Perhaps these grand celebrations are ways to really drill it in to the minds of the bride and groom that marriage is a union that should not be taken lightly?

Sent by Victoria | 2:30 PM | 6-21-2007

Many of my old high-school classmates are deciding that its time to try the knot. I've moved across the country since high-school, and I found it interesting that one bride-to-be (whom I have not spoken to in 5 years) sent me a very elaborate invitation for a wedding date that she knew I couldn't attend, while another (a friend I talk to regularly) won't even tell me the date so I won't spend the time or money to fly back for the ceremony.

Sent by Michael | 2:31 PM | 6-21-2007

Brides are out of control. I was asked to be in the wedding party of someone I considered a dear friend. About a month before the ceremony, she booted me from her bridal party.
The reason? I had the audacity to miss one of her four showers due to a hospitalization. Ofcourse, she waited until I'd attended and provided gifts for other showers.
To top it all off, I'd already paid for half of the nearly $300 bridesmaid dress. I never received the dress or my money back. And about a month after the wedding, I haven't even gotten a thank you note for my gifts.
Seems even after the wedding, the world revolves around her.

Sent by Anne | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

I am appalled by this idea that weddings are going to cost 10s of thousands of dollars. A wedding can be beautiful, fun, meaningful and inexpensive. We married late in life and my husband and I threw a great event for 150 peopel that everyone raved about and loved. It cost us $2600. We insisted that it should be fun for everyone including us, simple and meaningful. We didn't do anything just because someone said we were supposes to. Everyone supported us and contributed. I was able to let others have their say and contribute what they thought I needed. It was the best day of my life. Except for all the days since.

Sent by Andra Hollenbeck | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

One thing that freed me up a lot, financially and otherwise, was deciding not to wear a white dress--I had so many more dresses to choose from, and it was much cheaper.
Also--I got flowers wholesale, and the day of the wedding, some friends and I put together our own bouquets (while drinking beer!)--it saved a lot of money and was really quite fun.
Lastly--the messiness in our wedding was on the part of my stepsister/stepmother--stepsister was offended that I didn't ask her to be my "maid of honor", and while I was patient and compassionate with her and discussed it calmly as much as she wanted, she and her mother made quite a scene at the wedding. Not fun.

Sent by Sally | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

Since marriage equality is now the law (and safely so) in Massachusetts, weddings and marriage have an even greater significance here. Having attended several same-sex weddings in the past three years, I can say marriage equality adds to the importance of all weddings I've gone to recently.

Sent by Astrid | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

I don't know why people feel they it has to be all or nothing. I was married just over a year ago. We had over 200 people to a big bar-b-que. All our friends and family were there, it wasn't inconvenient for anyone or expensive, and there was no stress for me as a bride planning. All the families were comfortable and got to know each other. It was great.

Sent by Stephanie Schmidt | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not do at your wedding. Never forget that your wedding is YOUR WEDDING. Wedding guests seem to be an exceptionally selfish breed; everyone has their own idea of what they should expect from the bride and groom, instead of being there to support the happy couple. I should know, I'm getting married in two weeks!

Sent by Alex | 2:32 PM | 6-21-2007

We had 3 month engagement and 80 people. Made my own invitations w/gorgoeous paper and ribbons. Public park around the corner (on gorgeous pond w/swans behind us). New Age/buddhist ceremony ($100). No professional photographer (friend took hundreds of digital photos). No professional wedding album (doing it myself with the help of arts/crafts store). No marching train of hideous bridesmaids. Cake negotiated w/vegan baker (came out beautiful). Got reasonable rates from local inn for 3 sit-down entree choices. Limited open bar (only for ONE HOUR). Band was quirky indie instrumental band out of Boston w/several CD's out - $600 (vs. $2k-3K for a 'wedding' band). Recycled gold and sustainable rings (greenkarat.com). Dress was a bridesMAID dress ordered in Ivory (total cost including alterations $500.) No champagne toast. It CAN be done for under $10K, rings included. And be a lovely event! It goes by so fast - anymore time and expense spent on it is CRAZY. Even with the thriftiness and speediness of it I am SO glad I'm not going through that again THIS summer!!!

Sent by Nancy | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

We got married at the start of this month...after much effort we were able to have a terrific, meaningful and personal wedding and celebration with 90 friends and family from all over the world for less than $10,000. We had a ceremony, cocktail reception and dinner - with four course meal and open bar - all at one location. It took a lot of looking, but we found a great Inn where we were able to bring it all together for a fabulous night at a (relatively) reasonable price! We're still hearing how it was one of the best weddings friends attended. Hopefully our experience shows it can be done without breaking the bank!

Sent by Rebecca, Waltham, MA | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

I was briefly engaged and was amazed when announcing the engagement to my future mother-in-law, she immediately began telling me what dates work best for her!! Imagine telling someone when they should get married!!

Sent by sneech | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

When a person agrees to stand up in a wedding they understand they are making a financial committment to the bride and her event. I have stood up in several weddings and was honored to be asked and more than happy to take on the financial obligations that went along with it.

While the bride should be courteous about the dress price, and about other financial undertakings the bridesmaid might undertake, she should not have to compromise her expectations for the day.

DeeDee
Norfolk, VA

Sent by DeeDee | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

My husband and I chose not to have a wedding because my dad had given me the choice of spending the wedding money he had saved for me on school or a wedding. As I was a poor college student at the time I felt I made the wise choice to pay for my education. To this day my father is upset about not giving me away, but everytime my husband and I attend a wedding we look at each other and say "I am so glad we didn't do this!" Getting married by ourselves was a great decision!

Sent by Cory | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

I was surprised to hear Amy supporting the idea of the big destintation get-away wedding, especially as a way to lower the costs for the bride and groom. Instead of hosting a celebration for friends and family, these weddings now mean huge outlays of cash to simply attend. "We'd love you to come pay $1000, or more, to share our day!" Isn't this simply a means of passing the costs on to the guests?

Sent by Amanda | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

getting hitched August 19th!

An upside to planning a wedding:
It CAN be a fun time...getting closer to your future in-laws, bonding with old friends, seeing relationships in a new way! And if the groom gets excited,
it can become REALLY fun. Decide early on whats important and what is not. And ask your mother-in-law to FOLLOW your LEAD. It doesn't have to be a pain in the neck - but trying to save people's feelings is tricky. Everyone wants to be close to the bride and groom it can be a very "political" event!

Sent by Mini Madden | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

After being in three weddings within three weeks of each other last summer I found I really enjoyed the planning process, keeping the brides calm and everything else that came with getting someone else married. Do you have any tips for someone starting out in the wedding planning industry. Is it necessary to get a certificate in event/wedding planning?

Sent by Kate from Chelsea | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

when I graduated from seminary some years ago, I was prepared to LOVE officiating at weddings and couldn't figure out why my more experienced peers did everything possible to avoid them. I learned the hard way.

First, couples who have never been in a church before want a church wedding but seem not to understand that it IS church and walking down the aisle to BEYOND CLOSED DOORS is not appropriate. They want no mention of God, no prayers, no nothing that says "church" - they just want the aisle and the "atmosphere" which puts those of us who are ordained into strange positions to be sure.

Then there are the photographers who seem to think this is the set of DALLAS. I once had a photographer kneel at my feet during the entire ceremony flashing his camera - I now forbid it but believe me it is a source of great controversy.

Then of course we have the parents and sub-sets of parents - steps, halfs, etc - none of whom speak to each other One rehearsal I did was minus the groom to be as well as his groomsmen - there was a family fight and he refused to come. Rehearsing with just the bride was great fun. That was the same wedding where the very young - and buxom - bridesmaids wore black strapless gowns that were close to falling off and exposing far more than is appropriate in church. I just prayed none of them sneezed.

Then there is the uncomfortable question of paying for the minster. No bride would think that a florist or caterer or wedding gown store would donate their goods but ministers are expected to do all of this for free or at least minimum wage. One couple who spent thousands for those things were horrified to discover that for non-members there was a charge for use of the church as well as payment expected for the minister. It is work folks.

Then there is the fact that a thrice-time married bride or groom stands up yet again and promises "til death do us part" -

well you get the picture. I am happily retired and happily do funerals but never weddings.

Sent by Dorothy Slater | 2:34 PM | 6-21-2007

My parents eloped to Coalville, Utah and just celebrated their 70th anniversary!
Wedding extravaganzas go back to the 19th C and earlier and are rooted in customs of Society. Just it "Society" practiced exclusion and one upsmanship to establish their image of importance in the world, the current trends, in a less formal way, try to do the same. Having missed two weddings I would have liked to attend because of the cost of travel, room, fancy clothes and an gift on top of all that, I find it offensive. I would like to share in the pleasures of seeing people I care for wed. I have been so grateful to those who have planned beautiful but realistic events with the attendees in mind, not just those trying to recreate a miniature of society creating yet another miniature of royalty. Phew!

Sent by Susana Viola Jacobson | 2:35 PM | 6-21-2007

Don't forget about other cultures' weddings....My parents are from Bangladesh where there can easily be 1000 guests! yes 1000 for a wedding that is 3 to 7 days long. luckily I was able to negotiate 400 guests and only 3 day, where about 40 guests were my personal friends :) i think my husband's american family was completely flabbergasted by how elaborately weddings are celebrated in my culture and on the flipside enjoyed the festivites and differences from the usual american wedding! i really tried to embrace the intercultural dimensions of our wedding and had a great but stressful time planning it out. I believe the key to a successful wedding is dividing up responsibilities and being able to delegate to those that the bride trusts! good luck brides....

Sent by Taneeza | 2:35 PM | 6-21-2007

Christine said what I have said for years: Weddings make people crazy! Even normally sane people can be taken over by pod people and made crazy by the process of planning a wedding. During the planning of my first wedding, I argued with my mom for two weeks over the fact that I didn't want the invitations to say "Mr. & Mrs. Man's-Name-Here" and she did because "it's traditional." She HATES being addressed that way! Seriously, it was the dumbest argument ever, but I won that one. :)

I remarried this year on April 1. My wonderful husband and I planned everything ourselves and paid for most of it, which gave us ultimate creative control. We made the day very reflective of us as silly, geeky people (in fact, our JP's opening line was, "Mawwiage!" and we processed to "The Throne Room" from Star Wars), but we also had incredible help from dozens of friends. We had a potluck reception organized by a caterer friend and supplied by us and many friends who made amazing food to share. A friend DJ'ed for us. We had a first dance and a first lightsaber duel. It felt like a real community event, not just the "Festival of Me" that Amy speaks of, and all for ~$9000-$10,000. And everyone said that it was one of the best weddings they'd ever attended.

Really, folks, I can't stress it enough: You don't have to mortgage your future in order to have an awesome wedding!

Sent by Laurie | 2:35 PM | 6-21-2007

A lot of brides experience post-wedding blues...a mix of disappointment about the wedding day (weather and beauty mishaps....and more) and "what do I do now that MY BIG DAY is OVER?"
www.indiebride.com has many treads about that....
It happened to me as well,

Elena

Sent by Elena | 2:35 PM | 6-21-2007

Two years ago, I was married for the first time (at 49!) My husband (also a first-timer) and I planned basically every step of the ceremony and reception together. We chose our own paper, printed our invitations with the wording exactly as we wanted, even bought and made our table decorations. Everything was a reflection of who we were and was wonderful because, as Amy said, the day was our gift to our guests. The event ended up costing less than $8,000 which made things even better. It makes no sense to start a marriage with a ton of wedding bills facing you. When it comes to weddings, I say abide by the KISS method. Keep it simply simple.

Sent by Rebecca Kuhlman | 2:37 PM | 6-21-2007

My girlfriend and I have been talking about getting married for a long time. However, I am haveing a hard time finding an engagement gift that is not a poor substitute for a diamond. We both have some issues with the diamond trade, and neither of us like feeling marketed to by Debeers. Do your guests have any ideas for alternatives to diamond engagement rings?

Sent by Barrett | 2:37 PM | 6-21-2007

My husband and I got married this past August and I can relate to the woman who wanted a small wedding, but her fiance wanted a large to do! I had never thought about my dream wedding, but my husband always wanted to get married in a church. I knew I was going to be really stressed the day of the wedding so we took an afternoon the week before and exchanged our vows just between the two of us. We wrote them ourselves and it was really special to share our feelings without the stress of 100 people watching. For our reception we had it outdoors at my husband's father's house with fireworks, a bonfire and a dancefloor created with Tiki torches on the soft grass. Our friends are still talking about how fun and laid back it was and all for about $5,000!

Sent by Shannon | 2:38 PM | 6-21-2007

My husband and I successfully pulled off a beautifully low-key but classy wedding one month ago... In order to keep things "sane" we did not have a bridal party and kept the guest list to a manageable number of close friends and family only... It was the best wedding we'd ever been to!

Sent by Sonja | 2:38 PM | 6-21-2007

My Daughter just got married. After a year engagment, 6 months before wedding, the site burnt down. She said oh well and had it at local Science Museum which was better! the wedding was less expensive, we had to chase guests out 3 hours later. (Everyone was having too much fun. 3 children, 60 adults)

Sent by Mom | 2:39 PM | 6-21-2007

My fiance & I are both well paid professionals with combined income in excess of $100,000.

Still when we budgeted everything for our wedding in December 2007 we were shocked to discover that for the same cost as renting a bunch of plates, silverware, etc. we could instead come up with a downpayment for a new house.

Luckily a new friend of ours told us about a book that's all about using disposables to have a really extravagant wedding reception & save a ton of money. In case anyone's interested the website we found the book at is called Divine Disposables.com

Buy a house, don't rent plates!

Sent by Rodger Smith | 2:39 PM | 6-21-2007

I was shocked recently when a good friend of mine proudly announced that he and his fiancee were going to register for expensive items for their upcomming wedding with the plan to return the gifts after the wedding and use the cash for something else. I hope this tacky plan is not a new trend!

Sent by Augusta | 2:40 PM | 6-21-2007

I moved to St. Paul with my fiance only 2 months before we planned to get married. We had a very small, non- traditional wedding with a reception at my husband's brother's bar with no dancing, or cheesy stuff. We had 60 people there were not from Minnesota. We actually spent time with our guests! People still tell us this was the best wedding they had been to, and how much fun they had. Big weddings are frightening, and to be honest, people dread them!

Sent by Susie | 2:40 PM | 6-21-2007

My fiancee hates it whenever I turn it to one of the many bridal shows on television. We both can't believe how one couple can spend tens of thousands - some even hundreds of thousands - of dollars on one day of their lives. I'd much rather invest that money into a home which will last us for the entirety of our lives.

We both wanted a small wedding, but as we compiled the guest list, factoring in relatives both immediate and distant, along with their dates - some of whom we don't even know - the list abounded. We decided to make our wedding immediate family and friends only instead.

Additionally, we're abandoning many of the perceived to be traditional wedding customs: my ring is moissonite, not diamond, our will be a Buddhist-inspired ceremony, and we're asking guests to donate to Freedom to Marry, an organization which advocates for gay marriage, in lieu of wedding gifts. I'm making my own wedding cake and invitations and if we use any flowers, they will be potted so I can plant them in my garden afterwards.

That is, if we don't elope first.

Sent by Rachel Richardson - Cincinnati | 2:42 PM | 6-21-2007

A friend of mine confided she was strategizing to make a profit of $10,000 in gifts on her wedding.
Apparently this is a non-uncommon mindset, though I'd never heard of it.
Has anyone else had any experience with this wedding-as-profit-making-venture attitude?

Sent by Nicole | 2:42 PM | 6-21-2007

i got married three years ago when my husband and i were 21. we had a beautiful, traditional, church, and, dare i say it, CHEAP wedding. everything went perfectly, and i am convinced that the reason for this was that we were focused on the right things- our love, our commitment, and sharing both of these things with people who love and care about us. when you remember those truths, nothing else matters.
however, the thing that bothered me most was that in all the preperations for the wedding, my husband was totally ignored! somehow a wedding has become a one-person event, and the groom is only necessary to prop up the altar. i find this appalling. how can we expect marriages to succeed if we ignore half of the couple from day one?

Sent by Nancy | 2:43 PM | 6-21-2007

VERY EXCITING TIMES!! We are in the final stages of planning our wedding... just one month to go... and our biggest concern has been, believe it or not, GUESTzillas!

We have no problem with the details of planning the event itself, but we are amazed at the number of people who have tried to invite themselves to various events! Whether it be through others or being so bold as to say things like, "I'm invited, right? I haven't received an invitation yet, but I want to make sure my schedule is free." ARGH!! On the bright side, I must say this IS good practice for being stern, holding our ground, and not being afraid to say "No."

Sent by Frank in Oakland | 2:45 PM | 6-21-2007

I got married 4 years ago at age 24. I had everything I wanted. Perfect dress from a big bridal chain store, exotic flowers from a florist, the ceremony was in my own church with about 150 in attendence and the reception was in a club house on a golf course. The wedding was at 11am so heavy hors d'ourves were served as well as unlimited beer and wine. We had a 4 layer wedding cake made by a professional bakery. I live in Virginia Beach and so it can definately get expensive to get married around here. It was perfect. All in all, we spent $5500 on everything, soup to nuts. You just have to know where to look. There is no reason to spend tens of thousands of dollars when you get what you want for less than 6K!!

Sent by Melissa | 2:48 PM | 6-21-2007

I am not Cambodian, and recently attended the wedding reception of a Cambodian friend from law school. I learned that it behooves even wedding attendees to do a little research on wedding traditions if the couple is of a culture different from your own, so that no unintentional gaffes are made. The list of everything I did incorrectly at the wedding cannot fit on one page. For example, the invitation stated the reception would begin at 5pm, but failed to explicitly state the custom of arriving three to four hours later. My friend and I were alarmed at our tardiness when we rushed into the banquet hall at 5:20 only to find it completely empty save for the wedding party, and the other non-Cambodian guests, who in order to kill time had begun to fashion crafts out of the centerpiece and fill up on peanuts and Hennesey on empty stomachs until the food was served four hours later.

Additionally, we learned upon arriving that gifts should be gifts of money. My friend and I had been confused upon receiving the invitations as a) there was no method to RSVP, which we mulled over for a while, and then decided that we would RSVP by showing up. Which turned out to be appropriate. b) the happy couple had not registered anywhere, leaving us at a loss of what to purchase and tempting us to just purchase a toaster out of spite. We ended up purchasing a nice vase and having it gift-wrapped. Upon arriving on time ( i.e. super early in Cambodian time) we found that there was no table to put the gift on. So it went on a chair. As more guests arrived, the pile on the chair did not grow any higher. We then went to go sit at our table and found several envelopes on the table, one for each person. As it turns out, they were envelopes that you put money in and when the bride and groom come to your table, bright lights and photographers in tow, one representative from the table collects all the envelopes and is photographed handing the envelopes to the couple. Our table panicked slightly at this development, as we had all brought gifts of the nonmonetary variety, some wondering if they should go and re-collect their gift from off the chair so that they could hand it to the couple when it came our table's turn for the spotlight and camera. Which seemed a little ungainly as our average gift, taking an informal poll of the table, weighed more than the little basket that all the envelopes were going into. In the end, it was decided that the situation would be explained by our table representative. Which turned out to be fine.

As a wedding guest, these minor missteps probably could've been avoided by calling the bride and/or one of her bridesmaids re customs, or by simply googling Cambodian wedding traditions.

Sent by Mariko Nakabayashi | 2:49 PM | 6-21-2007

As a pastor, I've now officiated at about a dozen weddings in my first three years of ministry. I have a few thoughts:

1. Bride's maid-zillas can be as bad or worse than bride-zillas. Something about weddings causes people to totally lose their minds. I see part of my job as the officiant as "sitting on" these people as needed. This is a worship service, after all.

2. Brides, bridesmaids, grooms and groomsmen: if you can't fulfill your duties without imbibing alcohol before hand, back out NOW! In most states, it is illegal to solemnize a wedding where either the bride or groom is intoxicated. I have had to enforce this, and there is nothing more embarrasing for the couple than to have the pastor call the bride and groom out of the church, perform a sobriety test, and then announce to the gathered crowd that there will be no wedding. Also, I and many of my colleagues will have no problem ejecting intoxicated members of the wedding party. Again, this is a worship service.

3. Brides, this day will NOT be perfect. Something WILL go wrong. Accept it, deal with it, roll with it, and you'll be a lot happier all the way through.

4. If you want a "church wedding," either in the church or solemnized by a member of the clergy in some other location, CONTACT THE CLERGY WELL IN ADVANCE. Many churches require some amount of premarital counseling, and clergy have lives, too. Don't make the officiant the last person you talk to after the caterer, the florist, the photographer, etc.

5. If you want a "church wedding," don't plan it during the six weeks before Easter. This is the season of Lent, when many clergy will not celebrate weddings. This is both because of the penitential nature of the season and because of the ENORMOUS demands on clergy schedules during this time. I've done one wedding on the Saturday before Palm Sunday (eight days before Easter Sunday) and I can safely say I will never make that mistake again unless it involves a servicemember deploying to a war zone on short notice.

6. I really advise people to think twice about outdoor weddings. They may look great in "Brides" magazine, but they can be brutal. I've now done three of these, and they were enormous headaches for the bride and groom. One got rained out, so that the best man and maid of honor became "his and hers umbrella-bearers"; another in October was so cold that the bride had to wear a parka until she shivered down the aisle, and the third was so windy that no one could hear anything and the bride's dress was actually stained with flying dust.

7.Above all, put more time, energy, and money into planning your MARRIAGE than your wedding. This is, after all, about beginning a lifetime of love and faithfulness to one another. Having counseled a couple who wanted their marriage dissolved less than a year after the wedding, I can tell you that marriage prep is a lot more important than wedding prep.

Sent by Pastor Bob | 2:52 PM | 6-21-2007

I got married in the Tlinglit tradition and had a potlatch (although we were not Tlinglit). It was in a remote part of Alaska and our 88 guests could only arrive by boat or plane. For 5 days everyone was sent off daily to gather seafood and experiecnes both of which were shared that evening. The potlatch tradition is to give your wealth away which is what we did. No gifts were accepted. Rather we chose and gave personal gifts for every guest. This alone made for a very different event. I would recommend giving rather than getting to anyone.

Sent by Tim | 2:59 PM | 6-21-2007

I find it ironic and more than a little appalling that immediately after featuring Rebecca Mead's and Amy Dickinson's comments about the ridiculous over-pricing of weddings, the show featured photographer Mark Eric, whose minimum wedding package starts at $2600 (according to his website, anyway). Sure, the pictures might be non-conformist, but that doesn't mean that his rates are.

Sent by Lara | 3:01 PM | 6-21-2007

My husband and I were married two weeks ago after almost 10 yrs together.

We chose a Friday rather than a weekend. We told the caterer it was a cocktail party. Say wedding and they charge you twice as much. I wrote our ceremonies and we improvised our vows so they came straight from our hearts. There was no garter, no cake, one best man, one man of honor. Gifts were optional but we registered to make people more comfortable. The guys wore tuxes. I wore a bride's maid dress. Rather than having flowers we had our ceremonies amidst nature. (Luckily the weather complied.) Guests wore whatever they wanted. Our music was handled by two laptops running playlists.

When people were confused or annoyed about our plans we just told them that this is a celebration of our love and we hope they can understand that it would make us so happy if they would join us in our day.

MANY of our guests have come back and told me it was the best wedding they had ever been to.

Don't worry about giving up the garter for a great conversation between your uncle and your dorm-mate from college. Be sincere about your feelings. If you'd like to do something untraditional and still satisfy the traditionalist, try planning a special time for the people you love most so the formal stuff doesn't seem so critical. Even when things get frenzied, and they will, try to remember that it's about your LOVE, not about the DJ having the perfect song. And it's about YOUR love, both of you, so your feelings should count most in decision making

Sent by Trish | 3:03 PM | 6-21-2007

I was married almost 6 years ago in Kansas City. I don't think my wedding and reception and rehersal dinner cost more than $2000. It costs $50 to have a retired judge perform your wedding. I don't remember how much the license was. $100 or less, I'm sure. It cost somewhere between $50 and $100 to rent a nice shelter next to the lake at a nearby park. My dress was a white prom dress with a bit of a train that I got on sale after prom season for either $40 or $60 (I can't remember now which) at DEB. The guys, including the groom just wore regular suits that they already had. The bridesmaid wore a nice dress she already had. I did my own hair and makeup. I had a local grocery store make my cake (which was wonderful and under $200). The reception was at a Barley's Brewhaus down the road from the park. We reserved their party room and everyone ordered off the menu. We kept the guest list down to somewhere between 20 and 30 guests. The rehersal dinner was at a local chinese restraunt. We decorated the shelter and the party room with items we bought from local craft stores (ribbons, artificial flowers, etc.) and put up ourselves. Real flowers for the corsages, boutineers, and my boquet, but inexpensive ones. No band, since neither myself nor my husband actually know much of anything about ballroom dancing.

It had just enough of the traditional wedding accessories to feel like a wedding but not enough to break the bank. Everyone had a good time and a free lunch. What more can you ask of a wedding?

Our week-long honeymoon was also cheap. It cost about another thousand dollars or so.

Sent by Karen Jones | 3:26 PM | 6-21-2007

Many women approach their wedding as a pagent conducted for their personal glory, but I had very modest plans for my May wedding (does Memorial Weekend count as a summer wedding?). However, as I interacted with the wedding industry I was egged on and encouraged to think of all sorts of extravagant extras that I never would have considered on my own. We actually considered a horse-drawn carriage (briefly!) before we came to our senses.

Sent by Danielle | 3:31 PM | 6-21-2007

On Photographers, Bandleaders, & DJs--

Please remember that they are "hired help"! Too many photographers are staging and pacing events, instead of documenting them. Some DJs act as if they are the main attraction. When not hamming it up, the music volume often makes it difficult to converse with family and friends you've been looking forward to seeing.

Sent by Dirk | 3:50 PM | 6-21-2007

I would have been happy to just get married at the courthouse, like my parents actually did. However, we thought my mother and especially my husband's mother would feel disappointed if we went that route. So, we wanted a little bit of a ceremony, but without it getting out of hand. I feel like we did that.

Just remember, though, there's nothing wrong with getting married at the local courthouse.

Sent by Karen Jones | 3:51 PM | 6-21-2007

My husband's family is Indian, and I wanted a dress that reflected our "East meets West" background. I found an Indian designer in Chicago who made me a dress that rivaled all the Vera Wangs out there. The gown is red silk (Indian brides traditionally wear red) and the train was made from a sari. It was gorgeous, and our guests loved how it captured two cultures. I wouldn't "trash" it because I'd be happy to wear it again some day for another special occasion.

Sent by Kate Deshmukh | 4:07 PM | 6-21-2007

How's this for an unusual wedding ceremony? My husband, a widower, & I, a longtime divorcee, got married at a waterfront restaurant across the Golden Gate from San Francisco. Present for the ceremony were the couple who introduced us, my 2 children, their mates, & a 16-month-old grandchild. We ordered our meals, and while waiting for them, my son performed the ceremony.
When the food arrived, our waiter, noticing that other diners were staring, asked if something special was happening. We told him we had gotten married at the table while he was in the kithychen. He was so excited, he jumped up & down, clapping his hands. Later, as we walked to the exit, he grabbed some flowers from a large arrangement in the foyer, and sprinkled petals in our path, all the way to the parking lot!

Sent by Louise | 4:32 PM | 6-21-2007

How sad that the trashing of a dress should become commonplace when there are so many young ladies who would give their eye teeth for a second-hand dress. Give them to a church, charity, etc to auction off; give them to the Girls Inc. to sell at a steep discount for deserving young ladies.

Sent by Jane | 4:44 PM | 6-21-2007

Can we expect divorces to be celebrated in the same insane fashion?

Sent by nitish | 7:07 PM | 6-21-2007

I agree awith Amy on the comment re: beginning with birthdays for kids- but I have recently been amazed even more by the new Funeral Frenzy! I have been to a few recent 3 day affairs where almost as soon as TOD occured - organizers were thrown into high action to bring in flowers, plantings, maids, caterers, bartenders, program planners and one even served lemonade and heart shaped cookies on a rose petal laden table outside the quaint country church after the funeral before the wake etc etc

Sent by Marilyn | 8:33 PM | 6-21-2007

The other two pastors have brought up great issues. The main one: Put more energy in planning the marriage - counceling, financing, etc than planning the wedding.

Secondly, churches are not pretty, sentimental places. They are places of worship for a faith community. When we do a wedding, it is first a service worshiping the Triune God of Christianity and frames the relationshiop of marriage as part of that worship within that faith community.

Reducing the location to sentimentality and appearance trivializes the worship and community.

Anyone is welcome to be married at our church (subject to United Methodist rules), but please don't look for a church wedding without seeking to worship or be part of the faith community. There are plenty of Justices of the Peace willing to do secular wedding services.

Sent by Pastor Jamie Arrison | 11:56 PM | 6-21-2007

As a former member of the Catholic clergy, weddings were the most beautiful of moments as well as the most horrific experiences I encountered along the way. Several anecdotes come to mind: Being "given away" by the father?? Never mind the tradition echoes back to the times when women were "property" and the males didn't "give away" anything! No wonder the bride's family continues to bear the "cost" of getting married (the word is DOWRY). The bride who insisted on have "LEATHER AND LACE" sung as she came down the aisle. The PRODUCTION that wanted to make a glorious cathedraul setting into some kind of garden gazebo or pretend they were on some Carnival Cruise boat for their vows. And the entire party of drunk groomsmen stumbling up on the altar. Oh, and don't forget the wedding that's an hour late (never mind the other services planned following the wedding)for pictures of the VIDEO MEMORY being held at some site that every other bride has chosen as her very PERSONAL favorite. And of course, the 50% divorce rate many of these couples will eventually up with in, in spite of the $$$$$$ spent on the "most important day of their lives." Weddings? Personally, I'm glad to be howhere near them!!!

Sent by Roy | 1:10 AM | 6-22-2007

Having catered for ten years...I feel qualified to say the best wedding I ever attended was in the mountains in North Carolina. Friends had arranged to hold their weekend three day wedding affair at a summer camp that was closed for the season. They exchanged labor and sold t-shirts to help cut costs. Friends' bands played with the groom sitting in on three different times. There were a couple of Contra dances; afternoon of celtic games in traditional dress if you were able. All hikers welcome. Bridesmaids hosted one breakfast with groomsmen hosting the next morning with help and assistance from everyone. Accomodations were anywhere from local Inns/ B&B's, hotels to staying in the cabins in bunks or camp out on the premises. Everyone who was able to get there was able to attend and afford to be there and assist in the affair.

The wedding was beautiful and fitting as so many aspects of the wedding fit the couple and the many friends they had from all walks of life and the love they share. It was a fabulous wedding and completely unforgettable.

Sent by tnp | 1:07 PM | 6-22-2007

All these comments and not ONE mention of what a great movie Princess Bride is??? disgraceful. "my wedding.. blah blah blah..."

Sent by tim | 3:04 PM | 6-25-2007