BYOR (Bring Your Own Rice...er, and Cash)

In Vietnamese culture it is understood that when you are invited to a wedding you are to bring a gift of money. Although it would never be written in the invitation. Money either goes to pay for the reception or may be used to help them pay for a down payment on a new home. For that reason, guests bring money in relation to how close they are to the bride and groom which can range from $100 to several thousand dollars. This concept is reciprocal in nature, for instance if a guest gives you $500, when you are invited to their wedding or the wedding of their child you must return that amount or more. Although this may appear tacky to some, it is traditions like these within Asian cultures which makes the sense of community and obligation stronger.

Sent by ktran | 2:26 PM | 6-26-2008

I have an idea for these folk: Since weddings these days are staged more like movie productions (Cecil B. deMille anyone), why not offer the people who agree to fund your wedding producer credits on the invitation and program? (Small time donors can get credit as Best Boy's assistant.)

Sent by Fran | 2:47 PM | 6-26-2008

A relative of mine recently died. The family asked that instead of donations being given to a Cancer fund in honor of his illness, the family asked for money to fix up their family lake house (which has been in our mutual families for years but they had kept us from visiting). We were rather insulted and donated to a cancer fund regardless. But to know it is a growing trend is interesting. Money is a touchy subject, especially when family relationships/wounds are involved!

Sent by Julia Kimball | 2:49 PM | 6-26-2008

My partner and I threw ourselves a celebration party when we married each other in our own living room in 2005. The marriage was completely private: just myself and her and our animals (the dogs were the ring bearers).

We footed the bill for our party, and we stated "Please, no gifts" on the invitation. For folks who wanted to give us anything, we said that congratulatory cards were welcome, and that OPTIONAL donations to help us fund a honeymoon trip to NYC would be happily accepted. A good time was had by all, and we received many, many cards and well wishes, along with almost $1000 toward our trip. We debated over how to word the invitation b/c we didn't want people to feel like they were paying to wish us well, but more to celebrate with us.

Sent by becky | 2:50 PM | 6-26-2008

Among Filipinos we have multiple sponsors (godparents) for a wedding. It's an honor to be asked to be a sponsor. Sponsors usually give a cash gift from $100 on up. We also have a money dance at the reception where people get to dance with the bride and groom after pinning a dollar or two or more. We got over $600 i think. At funerals my Mom has always given cash with a sympathy card to help the family with expenses. These traditions are expected at Filipino weddings, but we'd never ask for money on the invitation.

Sent by Joe | 3:00 PM | 6-26-2008

One of our cards was from someecards.com and said "Your wedding gift will be our travel expenses" It was actually really funny and we expected that. We cared more about our friends being there than gifts.

Sent by Kate | 3:01 PM | 6-26-2008

My husband and I were not well off when we got married, and unfortunately that meant a smaller, less fancy wedding. We put what we could on credit cards, and one of the greatest things was my sister-in-law-to-be offered to do all the organizing and cooking for our reception. We had what was called a Money Tree, some decorated twigs which people could attach money to at their leisure during the reception. We had a note which stated that this cash would be used as spending money for our honeymoon. People seemed to think it was cute, and didn't feel like they were obligated to give cash.

Sent by Ariana Stafford | 3:03 PM | 6-26-2008

In Polish culture it is the same way. My family is Polish and I expect cash from most of them, his family is not and so we have a registry. We are getting married in 9 weeks and have posted a link to our wedding website on our invitations. The wedding website covers directions, accomodations, and yes, the registry. We've told our guests that no gifts are necessary, the best gift they could give us is their participation. However, if they'd like to give us a gift we would take that off their hands. After living together for 3 years we've accumulated most of the stuff we need so we'd appreciate gifts of cash. However, if they'd like to give us a gift the registry information should be able to help them. I figure this covers all the bases.

Sent by Monica | 3:05 PM | 6-26-2008

I was just married a month ago on a very small budget. We married in a small church and had the reception at our home, friends and family came and helped with preparations, decorations, cooking, pictures and cleanup. They knew we didn't have much money, we paid for everything ourselves and everyone pitched in to help, it meant more to us to have everyone offer physical help then to ask for monitary donations. I wouldn't have changed a thing, we had so much fun being together.

Sent by Katrina | 3:13 PM | 6-26-2008

Tacky! If you can't afford a lavish wedding, that's fine! Don't have one! A friend of mine went to a wedding recently that was a different kind of pot luck. The bride and groom couldn't afford a lavish wedding (2nd marriage for both of them, and they both had children for which they were the sole providers). Instead of invitations, they put a notice in the church bulletin inviting everyone and requesting that people bring pot luck fare instead of gifts. The bride wore a beautiful dress that she found for $16 at a thrift shop, friends went to Costco for the flowers and then were encouraged to bring their own cameras and e-mail photos to the couple as keepsakes... everyone pitched in. And everyone said the food was the best food they'd ever had at a wedding. That's the kind of pot luck I don't think is tacky. But asking people to contribute so you can have a bunch of things you can't afford? Tacky!

Sent by Laurie | 3:39 PM | 6-26-2008

My husband and I received almost all cards with cash inside them at our reception.

Though the cash was thoughtfully given and very much appreciated I missed the personal touch involved with giving someone an object vs. an envelope.

Sent by kat | 3:49 PM | 6-26-2008

Tacky, trashy, and completely inappropriate if you ask me. If guests choose to bring cash, that's fine. Asking for it is a sign that you do not trust your guests to bring appropriate gifts, which is insulting. A gift registry is the correct solution.

To Julia: I would certainly have been insulted, too. I think you did the right thing.

Sent by Kasreyn | 9:17 AM | 6-30-2008