The Seat of Solvency

My mother consistently offered to send money when I was out of work recently - I always refused her. It was hard to make ends meet but I managed. I am 26 and getting ready to go back to school - she has offered to help me pay for it and I have to admit that that particular help will be hard to resist.

Sent by Julie | 2:46 PM ET | 07-21-2008

My parents always made it clear that as soon as I graduated from university (or dropped out to get a job) I would be considered an adult and expected to earm my own way. They would never have let me starve or go homeless, but knowing the expectation made me respect them and plan my education and life accordingly. Parents to continue to support their post-graduate students are, I feel, doing them a grave diservice.

Sent by Linda Hart | 2:49 PM ET | 07-21-2008

...if you are still paying for your kids after 18 you have failed as a parent.

Sent by Justin Delemus | 2:49 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I agree that financial independence is huge in terms of "becoming an adult." I am in law school and business school right now, and my wife and I are trying to budget, live on our own, pay for school, but we also do accept assistance from her parents in terms of putting money into our account when we're short or helping us pay for our car month to month.

That's what I hope to do as a future parent. Teach my children about financial dependance but not cut them off all together when they are older. That's the American dream, not to finance your kids persay, but to help them when they need it.

Sent by Tim | 2:50 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I think what we're really talking about is the financial literacy and know-how. Unfortunately, with the current economic recession, inflation, and rising interest rates, the cost of living is rising. I know that I would not be able to put myself through law school without relying on some financial help from my parents, but with my law degree I will be in a better position to support them as they age.

Sent by Katie Zerwas | 2:51 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I am a trust fund kid. I have had complete control over my money since I was 18. I am now 24. I believe that having money separate from my parents has allowed me to have a relationship with them without the pressure of owing or borrowing in the way. However, since I did not earn the money I am in control of I struggle with saving and budgeting. I am not independent of financial assistance, but I am independent from my parents, which I am grateful for.

Sent by Susie | 2:52 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I hear 20 and 30-somethings talk about how low income people just need to work harder - and they are completely sincere, even though they are getting significant help from their parents! There is such a disconnect. It isn't a bad thing for people to have to support themselves for awhile when they are younger, and even do without sometimes. This kind of life experience helps people understand how the world works, and helps them be better citizens of the community.

Sent by Brian | 2:53 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Today it is difficult for young adults to make it on their own after school. A weaning is necessary. Those first jobs and salaries are no any longer sufficient to leave the nest without $$ help.

Sent by Rick | 2:55 PM ET | 07-21-2008

When I graduated from college, for reasons of necessity rather than ego, I was "on my own" and had to save up for a minimum down payment for my house, my children's' college and my future. While my friends tapped their parents' for the down payment, and tuition, I was "independent".

Now I'm middle aged and my "dependent" friends all live in houses that are more than twice the size of mine, and worth three times as much (even in this market), along with their vacation homes (al purchased with help from Mom and Dad). All of which will be used to add substantially to their retirement nest egg.

When I'm struggling in retirement, can I mail some of my "psychic rewards" to you in return for grocery money?

Sent by Steve Ruger | 2:55 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Regarding solvency:
I have 2 children, 28 and 27. One with a learning disability. Both are independant financially. Both are have average jobs....To my absolute delight, they 'own' the gift i hoped to 'invest' in them....independance. They have several friends that do not own this additional freedom they've earned apart from me-PRIDE. Parents handicap their children today,they need to have some faith in the childs ablilities....humankind has survived-and will continue to survive via the struggle's and opportunities that life lays out for us each....

Sent by paula | 2:56 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I am a 27 year old independent man and I understand that college kids and others need to be independent for their own good. What I think is a lot of people (especially minorities) don't grow up with the parents that teach them to budget and save. I for instance have been on my own since I was 13 and I grew up with no the best of parents to depend on. I learned the value of the dollar at a very early age and to this day I still take care of myself and I am completely independent from my parent(s). Not everyone has been brought up the way your guest has been brought up to save and budget. UI understand she wants to make her opinion heard but to me she's making it sound like all people who are in college or in their twenties are irresponsible. I put MYSELF through college and have never asked one family, friends, or anyone for any help. Not because I'm too proud but because I HAD to learn how to be independent. Just my two cents.....

Sent by Junior Zuniga | 2:57 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I am amazed at the amount of people opposed to this idea. We have become a nation that is totally coddling our younger generations into irresponsibility. As the oldest child, I was financially independent by the age of 18 and have probably asked my parents for less than $1000 since that time. However, my two younger brothers have never lived on their own and have no idea how to create a budget and have no motivation to get a job. They are both in their mid-twenties and I am just waiting to face the day when my parents can no longer supplement them and they turn to me for help. My answer will be a resounding NO!

Sent by Katrina | 2:58 PM ET | 07-21-2008

The flip side of the financial independence that young adults need to assume is my generation (the boom) supporting their children's expensive educations and subsequent lifestyles at the expense of funding our own retirement. This is a big mistake with much bigger/badder societal and individual ramifications than some belt tightening by the adult children. Emergencies, gifts and school support are different but rent supplements so that one can live in Manhatten or shop designer--no no. Adult--live within your means.

Sent by miriam Feder | 2:59 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I work at a university and I know fewer young adults who rely on their parents out of convenience rather than out of necessity. It appears the college degree is no longer a guarantee for a good job. I'd be interested in hearing a story on the devalued degree.

Sent by Jessie | 3:00 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I rasied my three children with the purpose they could survive in the world on their own, and expected that soon after they decided what they were going to do with their lives. My daughter is a lawyer in Philadelphia, my eldest son served his country in the submarine service and now has his college degree; my youngest contiunes to serve his country aboard the submarine USS Annapolis. They knew they could dpend on us to help if they needed it, but that doesn't have to be money.

Sent by R W Phillips | 3:01 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I have a friend that has lived with parents since graduating college 5 or 6 years ago. His parents never charged him rent and they made no attempt to prevent him from purchasing a new iPod, Wii, iPhone, laptop and multiple other hundred dollar items. He is now 30 and was working parttime jobs until recently. His resume would include every temp agency in our town. He recently got a full time job teaching 5th grade (teaching was his degree). Now that he has a fulltime job, rent has been discussed and he has no concept of a making a budget for living expenses. I've been independent since college and can't relate to his problems.

Sent by Cory Clark | 3:01 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I applaud this young lady and thinks she sould write a book about what she did and how as well as speak around the country to high school & college students. I think her generation suffers from severe "entitlementitis". Both of my parents were deceased by the time I was 17 years old and I was forced to learn financial responsibility. My parents had taught me about saving and other aspects of financial responsibility. However, I learned the hard stuff by doing it on my own and now I am teaching my daughter to do it on her own. She is graduating from high school soon and she knows she has to work and apply for scholarships and loans in order to finance her education. I will help her with some discretion but I think she will appreciate her education a lot more if she works hard to make it happen.

Sent by Cindy | 3:02 PM ET | 07-21-2008

This is such an elitist argument. Most of the people in our country can't afford to help out their children for rent anywhere, especially in NYC. If you teach your children to budget from the time they are 8 to 9 years old then you are probably the responsible child/parent that doesn't have to need help/give help after the student graduates. Also, there are so many big differences 1) what if you have a child that have straight A's and goes to an elite college and loves social work and wants to advocate for abused children but they can only make $25,000 and you are a doctor making $1,000,000 a year - shouldn't you help out if you are able? I think what you really should discuss is what is the personal finance training any of us get before we graduate high school -obviously it's not that great if we consider the problems in the mortgage/credit market.

Sent by Lisa Martin | 3:03 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I find it very sad that Ms. Serafino thinks that being an adult is not having to "answer to your parents".
In my book being an adult is having to make your own decisions but also being mature enough that you share those decision with the people who love you the most (most likely...your parents), is also being able to have enough character to stand on your own, on every aspect, not only financially, and if you think that being independent is having enough money or being an adult is not having to ask your parents for anything, a difficult path lies ahead of you.

I have a 24 years old, financially independent daughter who not only graduated sigma cum laude from a top 10 school but did it while working almost full time and was offered a position at the OAS immediately after that. She later decided that was not the path she wanted to follow and faced some financial difficulties. Did I bail her out? no I did not; did I help her out? you better believe it. Your child is your child and if he/she is going thorugh a rough time it is our duty to be there for them (in every aspect, not only monetary). Shouldn't Ms. Serafino be a little less judgemental and a little more compasionate? Remember, don't spit to the sky, it may fall on you.

Sent by Cristina Valarezo | 3:04 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Around the world it is very common for multiple generations to live under one roof given their economic situations. By extention you can view financial support as the child still being in the parents financial house. As developing economies surge forward and developed economies average down, definition of adulthood may have to adjust to reflect new economic realities.

I think young people will have to strive to be a net positive to their families to achieve recognition as adults, traditional/matirial signs of adulthood such as independent living, cars, and consumer goods will be more and more difficult to come by.

One will have to be an adult with nothing first and graduate up to material wealth much later in life.

Sent by Leon Leydershnayder | 3:08 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I absolutely agree with your guest and most callers, especially the first. Financial independance from parents is as crucial to an adult's developemant as any other life experience, such as having one's own place, being in a relationship, pursuing a career, etc. Taking money from parents on a regular basis or supplying one's children regularly can be so damaging. Would a parent ever physically carry a toddler into childhood and then the teenage years, not allowing them to truly learn to walk? ( I know this example is exaggerated, but the point is that the kids really do need to learn to earn and manage their money, even if it means falling sometimes and making their own mistakes.) So many of the young adults today are so cushioned by their parents that they are detached from the realities of life and how those realities also affect other people on the planet.

Unfortunate accidents and illnesses are a completely different issue. That is the time when giving money to a family member truly is help.

Sent by Kelly | 3:10 PM ET | 07-21-2008

My sister has 4 kids, 1 of whom was never on her "payroll" and is now a very successful stockbroker with a wonderful family. The other three, well they all ended up on her payroll with everything paid for from socks to rent even to this day. One is 36 with a child, one just turned 30 and my nephew at 26 died 5 years ago committing suicide three days after his birthday. All of them got everything then asked for from rent, cars, clothing, and money for my one niece's kid and everything else in between. My nephew who died used the money received from my sister to start his own band and buy drugs that ultimately killed him. He never worked for more than a month and then used all his troubles as a means of getting more money and she always gave in. The really sad part is that he was the smarted kid out of the four and had more potential then my whole family combined but the purse strings were never cut and thus he was never motivated to become an "adult".

Sent by Hank Jones | 3:12 PM ET | 07-21-2008

i find her points kind of weak as herself live at her uncles 3months after she gradurated where she could save up and than move on her own, sound like the same thing her uncle did for her she states that parents should not do.

Sent by mike | 3:15 PM ET | 07-21-2008

I paid for my college education, worked while attending school, and graduated with no debt. I did not go to a private school because I did not want to be $40,000+ in debt. When deciding what school to attend, one should consider the amount of debt one will accrue and decide how much debt one wants to pay off after school. What ever happen to the "Ramen" or beans & rice dinner? If one feels the need to have a private school credential, then work hard for it! There are many scholarships out there.
Since I was 19 years old (15 years ago), I have been financially independent from my parents and therefor the hard earned money they would have spent on me was available for retirement, house, hobbies, etc. I have lived a full life, have been able to take more vacation time than most people my age,have a retirement account, health insurance, and am working on a masters degree. I also pride myself in living debt free. Cash, barter, or I do not need it.

Sent by Cindy Adams | 3:18 PM ET | 07-21-2008

As a new father I have been giving a lot of thoughts about how to financially raise my new daughter. I often joke that she has to be out and on her own by twenty. But in reality, I am interested in moving forward my family's wealth status. There are no wealthy people in my family and thus, no wealth to pass on. Consequently, I am pushing myself now to increase my wealth so that when the time arrives, I can reduce my child's debt (paying for higher education), and reduce mortgage payments (help make larger down payments). I am willing to do this in hopes that she will be able to accumulate more wealth than I and continue to pass on that wealth; the end goal is a generation where money does not stand between them and an adventure, an opportunity, an exploration, an inquiry, or simply a whim that gains nothing but knowledge of that experience.

Sent by Eric | 3:22 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Serafino argues that financial independence entitles one to make the types of independent decisions that are equated with adulthood. As a entirely financially independent 25 year old, I disagree. It is not enough to be financially independent, certainly many members of our generation maintain financial independence by simply charging a lifestyle on a credit card. Rather one becomes an adult when he or she is spending money (either his or her own or someone else's) responsibly and with an understanding that money represents something earned.
Parents have always provided support to their children. When we lived closer to our parents and married younger, they were babysitters, sanity savers and dinner providers. As we move further away, parents may still wish to sustain their children and to give them advantages that serve to make their lives easier. Perhaps, the mark of an adult is in how one accepts this care in the form of monetary gifts. An adult understand that this is a gift which, many times, parents have made sacrifices to provide. A child sees financial gifts as an entitlement and as license to spend recklessly. An adult understand that all relationship are cyclical and hope to someday return the favor when their parents may need financial bolstering or care. A child lacks the depth of understanding to see the natural give and take that characterizes adult relationships. Therefore, it is not accepting money from our parents that robs us of adulthood, rather it is the spirit in which we take these gifts.

Sent by Emily Phillips Galloway | 3:31 PM ET | 07-21-2008

It is a breath of fresh air to hear a 20-something speak out about making it on her own after college. The larger issue here isn't about money -- it's about maturity. When you are on your own, making your own money, paying your own bills, you mature.

The parents who allow their children to live at home for free, subsidize rent, pay utilities, give stipends rob their children of the most important thing in the world -- growing up. I fear for these kids when they get married and try to make the jump from "dependent extended adolescent" to "independent wife or husband". That's a big jump!

My father made it very clear from my early childhood that if I decided to return home after college, there would be a timeline for my stay and I would pay rent. He was a very wise man, and I have benefited from his wisdom and instruction to this day.

@summer4077, I also came from blue collar, paid my way and went to public university. After graduation from Ohio State I moved to Chicago and lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn't save a dime and ate a lot of Ramen noodles. It was hard. It was humbling. It was stressful. It was rewarding. It was liberating. I would change it for anything in the world.

Sent by Tom Williams | 3:44 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Money had the power to shackle the receiver and enable the giver. Your parents may have a sense of entitlement about the decisions you make with that money, if they are paying your rent or helping with your car payments. You may not want that. Financial independence allows you to have a more equal adult-to-adult relationship with your parents.

Sent by Jodi Smith | 4:03 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Listening to your interview with Melody Serafino reminded me of an episode of "Sex in the City," in which Carrie convinced Charlotte to sell her beloved diamond ring in order to help her (Carrie) out of her financial debt, undoubtedly caused by buying to many outrageously priced designer handbags, shoes and other needless items. Sarah Jessica Parker's fictitious "Carrie Bradshaw" represents my generation of entitled 40-somethings who don't know how to save. Rather, we are a generation of instant gratification. If I "want" something, then I am entitled to it. This really made me wonder about the mortgage disaster we find ourselves in the midst of. How many people have refinanced their homes (second mortgages) to pay off their desire for "things" they can not afford?

Sent by Amy Jacobson | 4:05 PM ET | 07-21-2008

Wait! Let's take a step back. Leaving home at 18 is not the World's standard. People in countless other culture's think it is horrible that in North America children are kicked out of the house at age 18. Children throughout the world stay at home after 18 to continue their education, establish a career and save for marriage. They are not so dependent on their parents as they are part of the family unit, working together to succeed wherever they reside.

I am the mother of a 25 year old who still lives at home while he continues his education. Over the years, our family has had several friends and acquaintances from other lands and cultures that have shared their views with us. We have made our own observations and comparisons of North America's failings in caring for children. We think that children are terribly undervalued here, as evidenced by the "norms" of latchkey for grade-schoolers, and the early social and physical separation of adolescents from their parents. We see no real benefit to the children involved. Of course they were raised to desire the separation, but I don't see anything inspiring in having to repeat the mistakes of your parents in order to be worthy of being called an "independent adult". Think about it parents. Are you raising a child that will be willing to stay close to you with their children, and to care for you when you are old?

I was "kicked-out" of the "apartment" at age 18 and the poverty and loneliness I experienced made me vow to raise my children a different way. It was a revelation to me when I learned that by raising them differently, I was joining a larger, world-family.

P.s. The lovely young woman that you interviewed is not quite as independent as she thinks. She is still backed by a loving family and has emotional and financial safety nets securely in place. It might have been informing to some of your listeners if you also presented the views of an independent but truly unsupported 18 year old. I would have found today's program much more meaningful if you also interviewed one of the thousands of 18 year olds who age out of foster care and hit the streets, with barely more than the clothes they are wearing.

Thank you!

Sent by Patty Pearson | 4:14 PM ET | 07-21-2008

KUDOS! Kudos to Melody for initiating the discussion of a problem that plagues our nation's youth. I am a secondary eductor in the Soutwest, who has noticed the "never ending money tree" sydrome infecting those younger than 20somethings. Often, in my 5 years of teaching, I have suggested to my secondary students that they need to learn so they may behave happily and productively as adults when they leave their parent's homes. Very rarely has a student understood my explanation of the importance of a good education. My students truly believe that their parents will subsidize their lifes - eternally!!!! This mentality must be eradicated from our nation's society. Thirty is the new twenty in concerns to health not resposibility! I am 29 years old and I rear my children, who are 9 and 3, to understand implicitly and explicitly that they will be self-sustaining adults upon the graduation of high school.

Sent by Lindsey | 5:21 PM ET | 07-21-2008

This story really touched a nerve with me. Someone must have forgotten to remind this woman that she was writing her article from a point privilege and worse she fails to recognize it. She seems so full of herself and her financial responsibility despite the fact that her parents covered her private education and she had a good place to live for free while she found the job she was looking for. Furthermore, it sounds like her circle of friends come from the same economic means as she does. If she really wanted to write a compelling story she would have approached this story with an understanding of this. I would love to inform her that she does not speak for our generation and that her generalizations hurt all of us. As someone of modest economic means that struggled working through school while working to pay other bills I can truly say that I do not recognize the world she speaks of...and none of my friends would either. I have no problem with parents helping their children out, next time I simply ask that the privilege be pointed out or that the fact that most of us cannot relate to this situation.

Sent by Christopher | 6:40 PM ET | 07-21-2008

When I graduated from college (a five-year undergraduate program which was fully funded by my loving parents) the assumption was that I, then a 22 year old woman with a BS in Nursing, would be financially independent -- and I was! Barring those who are physically or mentally challenged, I can't imagine that able-bodied adults should assume they need parental subsidies. Certainly there are emergencies which might require some temporary assistance, but being on a long-term parental dole encourages dependency. My guess is that the parents might be continuing the support because they have their own "hidden agenda". The role of parents should be to raise up strong, independent children -- not ones who need parental accompaniment to locate classrooms on the first day of college, not ones who need parental accompaniment to job interviews post-college, and certainly not ones who fear being untied from the apron strings and forced to grow up! Thanks to the gift from my parents of the wonderful foundation of an excellent education, I have always been able to support myself comfortably and to figure out what I had to do to make ends meet when circumstances took a bite out of my finances. Sometimes this meant a part-time second job which (gasp!) cut into my formerly free time. Somehow, I survived, and it's not because I'm exceptionally clever. I credit my parents with pointing me in the right direction, always encouraging me, and knowing when to let go! Ms Serfino -- you rock!!! Thank you!

Sent by Marilyn | 6:45 PM ET | 07-21-2008

To let children be independent when they turn 18, parents must teach them how to manage money and make responsible decisions when they are young. For example, teach them how to budget their monthly allowance. The allowance should not be a huge sum, just a little that make them feel like they have control of the money and can be responsible for the money. The children would have to learn to sacrifice and save money for certain things they want but they don't have enough allowance to buy those things. For example, if the kid want to buy a stereo that is $50. But his allowance for the money is only $25. He would have save up the money for a couple of months if he want the stereo. Christmas or birthday gifts should not be lavish, either. So the kids won't think that whatever they wish for, they can have from the parents.
Parents should also teach children the mentality that only borrow money when they can pay back. Avoid spending "future money". If current generation have learn that, we wouldn't have this credit crunch and economic downtime.

Sent by sandy | 1:56 AM ET | 07-22-2008

I think there is a disconnect between the audience this article and discussion is being targeted toward and with. I am working on my second master's and PhD. I was a high school drop out and am now 30 y/o. My parents do help me out here and there.
Independence is important - but the demographic of this sort of "...in The City" discussion seems more pointed to the hoity toity, near trust fundy kids who the hard working lower income students have been annoyed with since the beginning of time.

Sent by Phoenix Mourning-Star | 4:57 AM ET | 07-22-2008

Just another story coming from the feminised-controlled media machine!Melody Serafino may want to hold herself up as a holier-than-thou independent financial woman, but peoples situations are always different and sometimes they need a family support net. I bet if the mighty Melody got sick and had hospital bills to pay, she would be begging her parents for financial help. Who is she to make judgement on others based on her own fortune?

Sent by BRS | 10:12 AM ET | 07-22-2008

I find it shocking that a 30 year old male refers to himself as a "child" and expects his parents to continue to support him. By the time I was 18, my parents started referring to me as their "adult daughter", never as a child. As a business manager, I am now less surprised at how hard it is for me to find reliable staff members. Evidently the "adults" I am interviewing don't actually need to work. Their parents are not doing them a favor at all.

Sent by Ellen Adams | 10:23 AM ET | 07-22-2008

The child (mid-twenty's or so) who was on the segment needs to grow a pair and stop being a child. Which is what he kept referring to himself as, a child.

I'm 25, I'm an adult, and I haven't relied on my parents since I graduated from High School. It is possible if you GROW UP.

People like the aforementioned child are what is wrong with our culture. We think someone else should support us so we don't have to try on our own. Now I'm not taking anything away from those who do need help in unforeseen circumstances but relying on a parent past your college experience for much longer than lets say a month or two is just pathetic.

Please don't breed. We don't need your weak gene's dilluting the pool

Sent by Go and grow up for goodness sake | 11:03 AM ET | 07-22-2008

Melody Serafino plays down the fact that her parents supported her throughout college. She entered adult life with a good education, no debt and no doubt ample opportunities to get ahead in life.

If she had the kind of debt that many students are graduating with these days, she might realize that this is not such a cut and dried issue.

Sent by debbie | 8:00 PM ET | 07-22-2008