Suck It, Twilight

This book is actually good.

hide captionThis book is actually good.

Source: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

Dear Tweenagers* —

I know you're getting all gussied up to go to the mall at midnight and watch Bella and Edward smolder at each other. You're probably knee-deep in kohl (that's eyeliner, kids!) and that Wet 'N Wild lip pencil that should be named "Undead," so I'll make it quick in case you smudge your laptop.

I don't want to belittle the Twilight series too much — first of all, I really admire Stephanie Meyer's work ethic, and second of all, I like it when people your age (youngsters! as my mom used to say) read. After all, there's so much good reading for you to do! Also, I love vamps, from Nosferatu to Buffy, and I'll roll with a good sex/death metaphor a pretty long way.

Okay, so, prepare for the sacrilege, here. What really bugs me isn't the schlock ("Look after my heart, I've left it with you."), or the redundant descriptions of how beautiful Edward is (He's hot! He's pale! He's dangerous! He's a VAMPIRE!). It's the conceit that someone as smart as Bella would run off with a dude who seems to only dig her because she smells good. Ladies, hear me now. You can do better. Find a guy that makes you laugh, and loves your flaws — a Mr. Knightley instead of a Mr. Rochester.

And in the meantime, if you must get dark and deep, read Meredith Ann Pierce's excellent Darkangel series. It's still hot, I promise you.

That's it. Have fun at the movies if you must, but don't stay out too late. There are much worse things then the Volturi clan waiting for you — and most of them are human.

Best of luck,
Barrie

*I know, the chances that a tween would be reading this are as great as a tween knowing the difference between the Messrs. Knightley and Rochester.

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