We Have Our Diversity Coach!

This might be a good question for your newly minted diversity coach.

I just had a second date with a lovely professional woman who was born and raised in Sapporo, Japan. She now works in the same east coast city that I do. Our third date is this weekend. I'm a professional African-American man.

What should I know about the Japanese sensibility with regard to dating? She's in the 32-36 age range. I'm in my early 40's. By the way, she's reluctant to tell me her age. She mentioned the idea of the "birthday cake" in Japan - the idea that after a woman passes the age of 25 she's no longer considered to be eligible. I know, it's crazy.

What should I know about the Asian approach to dating? Is there such a thing?

The first date ended in her bowing. When in Rome, I thought, so I bowed too. The second date ended in a warm hug and a smile. So I hugged her and smiled back. So far, so good, I'm thinking. We're able to talk for hours.

But what do I need to keep in mind?

Coach away, diversity coach!

Sent by Samuel | 7:41 PM ET | 03-27-2007

A professional woman? A professional man? Have their x and y chromosomes been trained or certified in some way? I know professional used to refer to one's line of work, education, and social status, etc. but I wonder why we seem to need to make these disctinctions even in personal matters. A previous commenter posed a question about matters of propriety in dating a 'professional woman' originally from Japan. Would he have been less curious about protocol if he considered her to be an amateur woman? Forgive my crabbiness, but I guess I am little tired of us right now.

Sent by lee | 5:33 PM ET | 03-28-2007

I think it's a matter of compatibility, Lee. Do you think it's more likely that two people will have more in common and thus be more likely to be a compatible couple if they share the same socio-economic background? Would you have been as crabby if I had written "working-class" man or woman? I'm not sure you would. It sounds like your objection isn't to a mention of work/education/social status generally, but to that - and you're right about this - overused (and misused) indicator of socio-economic status: professional. Why is that? That's a question worth exploring.

Of course, the woman I mentioned and I don't share the same cultural background or ethnicity. Those things alone could prove insurmoutable. As she said after our first date, sometimes language and culture create a gap that can't be bridged; other times you can leap right over it. It's early still; we'll have to see whether the sun on the horizon is the rising or the setting sun.

You pose a good question about whether I might be less curious about dating protocol if she were an "amateur woman." I felt a little weird about writing "professional" - because it smacked of elitism, that old American buggaboo - but I included it because I wanted to give the diversity coach as full a picture of us as possible and class - one of the great taboos in American life - can sometimes make a difference. Was it an accident that my daddy was a meat cutter and my mama a cashier in the same grocery store in Philadelphia? Lena Horne must have passed through Philly when my daddy was in his swinging years. Why didn't he take a swing at Lena? She could have sung me to sleep with the "St. Louis Blues" about her man whose "got a heart like a rock has in the sea." (Turns out my daddy did have a heart like a rock in the sea despite the fact that my parents came from the same socio-economic background, but that's another story.)

You felt crabby, Lee. Now I feel all yucky. Why? Cause I've broken the great American taboo and drawn the curtain and revealed that the great Oz - the classless American society - just ain't real. We're not in Kansas anymore, folks.

So, diversity coach, whatcha got to say to me and Lee on the issue of class and dating?

Sent by Samuel | 10:39 AM ET | 03-29-2007

Samuel, how about good old fashioned honesty? I don't see anything wrong with making a pact with the woman you're dating to have open and honest conversation about cultural differences. Being able to discuss topics that can be sensitive is a great enabler of even more intimate conversation! Rather than ask about the "Asian approach to dating," why not ask her directly to tell you about dating etiquette and protocol in Japan. Ask her how she feels about it - in other words where do her feelings lie on the scale of following tradition. I would think she is not necessarily tradition-bound since she's dating an African-American man. That says a lot, wouldn't you think?

In return you have to be open and honest with her and make her feel comfortable in asking you questions about being an African-American male and what your experience is like and what you believe about "dating." Be prepared for the "What attracted you to me?" question, if it hasn't happened already.

I think when two people show a genuine interest in one another's cultures, what may start off as seemingly awkward questions and guarded answers, can actually begin to open the floodgates to a wonderful learning experience as well as a deep appreciation of commonalities and differences in cultures. What better way to become closer?

Sent by Lena (not Horne) | 5:42 AM ET | 04-01-2007

Those are wise words, Lena. I'll take them to heart. The idea of actually making a pact to discuss things openly and honestly is a great idea. Sort of like creating a safe zone where it's OK to ask what might be awkward questions. That has started to develop, but I like the idea of making it official in a way. On our second date I asked her about the perceptions of blacks in Japan. She said when most Japanese tend to think of Americans they think of white Americans not other Americans. And guess what one of the most popular children's books is in Japan? "Little Sambo" I kid you not. (The story: little black boy outwits threatening tigers, tigers turn to butter, boy eats 116 tiger-buttered flapjacks.) Initially I was stunned because of the Sambo name in the American context. I wondered what we Americans had exported to the Japanese, but actually the story has its roots in British India from the 19th century then it morphed into something else in the lexicon of racist folk in the States. (The usual tactic of taking something good and making it bad by association.) Apparently, there's also a "White Jacinda" story or some such by the same author. Who knew? But needless to say that made for an interesting conversation. This past weekend we talked about living in cities different than the one in which our parents live. That started an interesting conversation about the duties/responsibilities of sons and daughters in taking care of parents.

You're right - it's the asking and the answering questions about our cultures that enables us to become closer.

Sent by Samuel | 1:09 PM ET | 04-02-2007

Interesting conversation about culture, class and dating, so please pardon the digression.

The thing that struck me most in listening to the segment introducing the Diversity Coach was the lack of depth (at least from the bio given) in diversity she seems to have. I am curious to know why a seasoned and well-respected diversity scholar/consultant (like Taylor Cox, for example) wasn't chosen for this spot.

While Ms. Cole seems to have handled the questions put to her adequately, I was disappointed not to hear the level of depth I expect on NPR, particularly on a topic so easily misunderstood.

The bases for the objections to describing a black man as articulate are far deeper than culture "baggage" on the part of the recipient. I felt that the response missed a good opportunity to address this, and related issues.

While I find the advice to take things less personally, and speak respectfully with the person who has offended you useful, I thnk those strategies are only part of the picture. There is so much basic information we just don't have about how each other, and so many other ways we could address this important topic.

Good luck, and I look forward to the next discussion.

Sent by Apriel | 4:52 PM ET | 04-03-2007

Michele...
Congratulations on your new endeavor.
I never got a chance to know you while I too worked at ABC News but I've always admired your work.
One aspect of the Imus debacle that I feel deserves further exploration is how young black girls (teenagers) feel about how much -- not all -- hip hop influences how their male peers treat them.
I would direct your attention to grlzradio.org out of Boston. It was started several years ago by young girls to give them a voice and deflect the influence of negative female images in hip hop. I'm working on a piece about them and think your show might find them to be a fresh and interesting take.

Sent by james hamilton | 8:53 PM ET | 04-17-2007