NPR: If You Prick Us, We Will Bleed...

If You Prick Us, We Will Bleed...

Lee, here. I had to sleep on this one before writing.

I've never wanted to feel sorry for myself...I feared that if I started crying, I would never stop. -Dominic Carter

Glad we interviewed him, yesterday. Obviously, his story of abuse is one only he could tell so vividly.

Let me put you on to something. When it comes to men and abuse, especially sexual abuse, the playbook of "conventional wisdom" is clear: we don't talk.

For black men, perhaps the unspoken rule is underscored by the clouded perceptions surrounding our global image (self-identifying, here). There's the double-edged sword -- both the fascination and the fear of what can come across as a teflon-like, stoic persona (except for rage, of course...Bobby Cutts, Jr. comes to mind. Strangely, I feel for him, but abhor his actions. Don't ask why...still trying to figure that out).

But, here's what I believe to be the larger issue: being "open" can signify vulnerability, which can be too closely associated with powerLESSness...which, pardon my male ego (I'm still learning), can feel emasculating. In a twisted way, I guess we're prone to feeding the beast that salivates after our own demise. At the very root of this "conflict" seems to be the massive collision of pride, a really screwed-up set of societal norms and the rare presence of a safe place for these difficult conversations.

Still, we're not oblivious to what's all too common -- the silent suffering in the "brotherhood" as a result of childhood neglect and abuse. Come on. It's not surprising. Just look at the statistics...where are the fathers...our fathers? An Ebony magazine article, dated a few years back, offers more insight.

...Which brings me back to Dominic Carter. That man has courage. A lot of "brothers" -- black, white and brown -- would do well to take a page from his book. It's refreshing to see that his openness has brought him to fully realize the American dream: life, liberty and the pursuit of happYness (by the way, see that movie).

Your take? Men, women...feel free to share.

Also, I bet it would've been interesting to also hear from Dominic's wife. Oh well, maybe next time.

Lee Hill

12:48 PM ET | 06-26-2007 | permalink

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12:48 PM ET | 06-26-2007 | permalink

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So hard to have to continually bump up against the stereotypes of what it means to be a man and a black man. Just last week I said to a friend, "But I'm not supposed to feel this way let alone say these things." I was talking about how vulnerable it feels to start to love someone. Scary as hell. Didn't see daddy do it. Haven't seen brothers do it. How the hell am I supposed to do it?

But what choice do I have in the end? It's either fess up to myself and to others my desires, fears, love, attachments, and pains or go a little dead inside. That's no fun. Gotta let somebody love me and let me love somebody even when it makes me feel like -- which saint was it who was pierced with all the arrows? At least that's what I try to remind myself. Oh, yeah, and when I said I was talking to "a friend" above? My therapist. There I said it. (Smile) Ah, so freeing is honesty. True dat, Lee.

Oh, and another tidbit I've learned in the therapy process? I'm gonna sometimes have downright hateful thoughts towards the very person I love precisely BECAUSE I love them and the sense of vulnerability that arises. Once I learned that then I knew I could watch that feeling float across my mind like a cloud in the sky - and not feel attached to it. Therapy - it's a wonerful thang.

Sent by Stanley | 7:11 PM ET | 06-27-2007

I concur; Loving someone is scary as hell when you didn't see it in your upbringing. It's even more terrifying, as a man, to disclose your insecurities to the person that you love.
Fortunately I got someone with whom I've been able to do that..... She's still around too.

Sent by P. | 4:44 PM ET | 06-29-2007

I hear you fellas...

Stanley, honesty IS freeing.

And therapy. You're a good man to open up about that. It seems "the process" is in full swing for you.

Cheers to your freedom.

Sent by Lee Hill with 'Tell Me More' | 4:56 PM ET | 06-29-2007

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