Teshima Walker, here. Michel Martin has been under the weather but she'll be back on Wednesday. Jennifer Ludden will host on Monday and Tuesday.
Teshima Walker is Senior Supervising Producer for Tell Me More. (Courtesy of Teshima Walker)
Whew! We've had three different hosts this week (Korva Coleman, Linda Wertheimer and Allison Keyes) and they've covered countless topics on the program.
One of the hot button segments focused on the high numbers of unmarried and childless black women with advanced degrees. Host Allison Keyes conducted several interviews, including her talk with the co-author of a study on the subject, followed by a conversation with two African-American women that have achieved educational success and now want husbands. Plus, Allison talked with a spirited group of men in the Tell Me More "Barbershop," moderated by Jimi Izrael. He had the women in this office talking with his piece for TheRoot.com, "Memo to Black Women: Get Real." You've GOT to take a moment and listen to the interviews. Babies, I want to get you fired up for the weekend.
Oh, I have a few thoughts for you on the subject, but I also want to share this space with a few more women - Alicia Montgomery is the senior producer for TMM. She's going to tell you why dating outside the race may not be an option for "good" black women. Our Assistant Editor Jennifer Longmire shares her love story - she's over 35, has a graduate degree and she's marrying her long time beau in Las Vegas next week. Congratulations Jen! Plus, we have a special blog submission from Kimberly Hill, she's the president of a consulting firm - she participated in today's discussion. Hill had some additional thoughts after the microphones were turned off.
But first, I wrote last week about being an unmarried, childless and advanced degree having black woman. I asked you not to cry for me but I didn't tell you why. I've had a good single life. I travel. I take countless classes. I cook when I want if I want. And I don't have to answer any questions about being responsible if I make an unreasonable purchase (shoes, handbag, jewelry).
I liked that ... then, I turned 40.
Damn it!
Now, what I'm about to share is awful. I'm not proud and you can talk about me if you want to. But, I just recently started agonizing about not being married and having kids because I've been thinking about aging. Who will care about me and see to my well-being when I'm a cute old woman? I don't want to be tied to a wheel chair with a rag stuffed in my mouth. Let's face it. We don't take care of old people worth a damn in this country. I'm starting to think a husband with a little retirement savings and life insurance policy --combined with my savings-- could get me some decent elder care. And a child or two could make sure I'm not laying in a dirty bed of stale urine with my hair matted to my head. What?!? I said my story was awful. Keep an eye out for any prospects. In the mean time - I did promise you more stories.
Up Next - Alicia Montgomery - what you got?
Why More Black Women Don't Marry Outside The Race
Alicia Montgomery is a Producer for Tell Me More. (Monika Evstatieva / NPR)
Thanks, Teshima. Alicia Montgomery, here ...
Originally I planned to produce an online panel discussion that would pick up where our on-air conversation today left off. But the demands of helping to produce this week's show carried away the time I THOUGHT I had for my plan.
That's kind of what happened to my plans to get married. Like so many educated, young women of all colors, I started choosing music, flowers and dresses for my wedding as a teenager, long before there was a credible candidate for Prince Charming anywhere in sight. But my real life -- full of fascinating friends, thrilling work and a few questionable choices -- put pursuing marriage on my "tomorrow list," things that I'll do, just as soon as I get the time ... which often turns out to be never.
So I'm glad that Tell Me More had this conversation, and there's one thread of it that I want to address: the question of why more black women don't marry outside the race.
Before I start, though, I have to put some of my personal business in the street: while most of the men I've dated have been black, I've also dated men of other races, including a serious relationship when I was much younger with a white man. And I can say from experience that -- as a black woman -- those relationships can subject you to a constant chorus of muttered grumbles and outright verbal attacks from strangers, family members and friends.
When you go out with a white guy, no matter how decent and wonderful a person HE may be, the subtle and not-so-subtle racist digs you're subjected to in your 9 to 5 work hours follow you into what are SUPPOSED to be the fun hours.
You have to constantly explain to the restaurant greeters, yes you want to be seated at the same table. His friends may greet you with a labored and unnatural "WASSUP!" at a party. His parents could wonder -- aloud and sometimes in your presence -- what they did wrong that he would bring you home.
And the scolding and hostility you sometimes draw from other black people can be devastating.
For many African Americans, dating white guys is just not something nice girls do. Some black men, even those who have ZERO romantic interest in you, will think -- and sometimes TELL you -- that you're a sellout whore for dating a white man. Black women may be more subtle in their disapproval, but sometimes not.
I was walking down the street with a platonic friend when a homeless black woman, who I had once given money to, shouted after me that "black and white don't mix." When I joined my boyfriend's family at a restaurant, the black women at the next table spent the evening pointing and laughing at us. And --while my extended family was overwhelmingly supportive -- one of my loved ones did openly speculate that I was only dating my boyfriend for his (non-existent) fortune.
Now, while all this is perfectly survivable, it's a really crummy way to spend a date. It might not end a romance where you feel like Juliet and he's Romeo, but it's daunting for the average "he's-a-nice-guy-you-both-like-Thai-food-and-enjoy-karaoke" -type of relationship. That's why I get really irritated when movies or television shows like "Friends" feature a black female character who is all smiles and easy banter with white boyfriends.
It's also why I've sometimes -- but not always -- made myself scarce or acted sketchy with white male friends who I thought might be interested in me or who I found myself attracted to. In most cases, the friendship survived. But once, I let the dread of a closer relationship kill a friendship with someone I really cared about.
Hey, you know who you are. I'm sorry.
And now congrats are in order to someone who is experiencing the highs of love ...
Jennifer's Love Story
Tell Me More Producer Jennifer Longmire will soon wed her longtime love and college beau Arthur Wright. (Courtesy of Jennifer Longmire)
Jennifer Longmire, here ...
(Thanks Alicia for the congratulatory note. I'm ecstatic about getting married next week!)
I have to say this study was so interesting to me. I'm 38-years-old. I have two degrees and a career that I adore. I'm also getting married for the first time (September 9).
Lord knows I have enough bridesmaid dresses in my closet - I watched the majority of my friends get married in their 20's. But, I never thought that I wouldn't get married at some point. I never thought that delaying marriage would sacrifice my finding a mate or having children -- whether I was in my 20s or 40s. I simply felt that when it was right, it was right.
The study suggests that black women with advanced degrees marry men that don't reach their level of educational success. Should I be upset or think that I have "settled" because my fianc??e has one degree to my two? I have not settled - absolutely not. I have dated men who have had "impressive" credentials - the "baller" (lots of money) status, the flashy cars, the corporate job titles and the "in crowd" status. Yet, my future husband is the only one who drove all night from New York to Maryland to care for me after I had a difficult surgical procedure. He has memorized all of my food allergies. And, he custom crafted my engagement ring. If the fact he has just a Bachelor's degree means I am settling for this wonderful man, then I'll be the first in line.
I am so blessed to be getting married to my soul mate and best friend, and not because I have to beat the biological time clock. I am blessed because I waited for the right one. And for this older black woman with an advanced degree -- my timing is perfect.
Hey Kimberly -- Hang in there. I know there's a prince charming out there for you, too. As a matter of fact, I wish you could come to the wedding. I might have some eligible bachelors for you to meet.
But Are You Marriage Material?
Kimberly Hill, 37, is president of Future Insight Consulting, LLC, in Detroit. (Courtesy of Kimberly Hill)
Kimberly Hill, here ...
(You go, Jennifer. I wish I could be there to share in your excitement. By the way, tell the eligible bachelors to hang around until I get there!)
Today, Black women have achieved phenomenal success from Congress to Corporate America. However, have these achievements hindered our ability to find love and develop lasting relationships that lead to successful marriages? Or has our success challenged men's competitive edge, thus compelling them to dismiss us as being "too independent" to receive their problematic definition of love.
For jobs that have traditionally been held by White men, there is almost an unbearable amount of pressure to perform exceptionally. Consequently, women are often forced to choose between career advancement or love. It is very possible to become so engrossed in the mundane functions of a career position that you lose sight of your outside interest, thus hindering your chances of finding love. However, this dilemma can be addressed.
The answer is BALANCE.
As successful women, we must learn how to prioritize what is important in life, and balance must influence this equation. A balanced woman achieves academic and career success, actively displays a commitment to bettering their community, has a social life, and most importantly, at least in my view, has developed spiritual maturity.
Consider this: it is very possible that your potential husband regularly attends poetry readings at a local cafe, or volunteers at a homeless shelter or he is involved in ministry at your church. However, he will never find us, if we are not active and involved in service projects and activities. If you are not willing to come out of the shadows and make some changes, you are not ready for marriage. Finding a mate is so much more IMPORTANT than your education or career success.
But, who will be willing to make the most difficult, but rewarding sacrifices to strengthen a relationship that could ultimately lead to marriage? Sacrifice shouldn't be one-sided, but often the woman bears the burden of this responsibility. There must be mutual agreement on the significant level of sacrifice that is required for both the man and woman.
As a single, African American Woman with an advanced degree, who is over 35 years old, I want you to be encouraged. I am. Do not EVER feel compelled, out of desperation or loneliness, to settle for someone less than what you are worth. It is my sincere belief that the man who God has ordained for our lives will readily embrace our purpose and will consider it an honor to be our life-long mates. But, remember that "BALANCE" is an essential component to becoming "marriage material," and sustaining a strong marriage.
tags: unmarried black women
categories: 'Behind the Curtain' at TMM, More on Race