This is something that exists in Asia:
NPR still stubbornly refuses to pay for our travel — something about "sullying NPR's image abroad" and "Ian, how many times do we have to tell you, you don't really work here" — so we had to make our own version.
A disclaimer: We tried putting one together according to the specs of the image above, but no one could get down even a single bite. We lowered the butter content slightly.
Peter: I like the crunch of the sugar. It's like your teeth start decaying immediately.
Ian: Having buns full of butter is actually a great way to explain what happens to you when you eat buns full of butter.
We're unsure how Leah felt about it.
We're unsure how Leah felt about it. NPR
Ian: Is this what it feels like to be a fois gras goose?
Peter: If there was a PETA for humans, they'd try to get secret camera footage of us being forced to eat this.
Robert: Butter AND sugar... I'm not sure which is the wolf and which is the sheep's clothing.
Eva: This is much more satisfying than the Splenda and 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' version.
Ian: I think the diet version of this is to go back in time and make completely different choices with your life.
After taking this photo and eating at the same time, my iPhone is covered with butter streaks.
After taking this photo and eating at the same time, my iPhone is covered with butter streaks. NPR
Ian: I usually think of butter and sugar as ingredients, not standalone components. Like Hall & Oates.
Peter: Really. It's just butter, sugar, and flour. Like somebody tried to make cookies without reading the manual.
An action shot from the full butter version.
An action shot from the full butter version. NPR
Leah: All of the eight push-ups I've done in my life... gone in an instant.
Eva: So white, so fluffy. It's like a pillow you can eat for breakfast when you wake up.
Ian: This is like eating Paula Deen's worst impulse.
[The verdict: do not attempt to make one that looks like the Freshness Burger picture. But with a thin spread of butter and some sugar, it's actually not bad.]