The Nader This Time

What do you do when those pesky peaceniks come around to your house long after dark, ringing the doorbell, wanting you to sign a petition to save the spotted salamander or something? If you're anything like me, you dial up your private security company, grab a bowl of cheddar cheese popcorn and wait for the fun that only independent contractors with badges can deliver.

Ralph Nader on NBC's Meet the Press on Feb. 24, 2008.

Alex Wong/Getty Images for Meet the Press

I kinda felt that way — the desire to call private security to escort away a late-arriving interloping do-gooder — when Ralph Nader declared he was going to run for president once again. Ralph — 0.38 percent of the popular vote in '04 — Nader.

Even Mike Huckabee must be like: Dude, you don't have a chance.

Be it as a write-in, a Green Party candidate or an independent, there's something very "hit the panic button" about the cocktail of Ralph Nader seeking the "Highest Office in the Land." I can feel my internal early warning system going off, cautioning that we're about to get hit with a tsunami of self-indulgence. How else to describe his candidacy?

Yeah, in his lifetime Nader has done good work. But he's also done little to get involved in the political process except to hit the scene once every four years and try to take the top prize. There are other offices, other positions, other ways to engage and guide the system. Nader's shown zero desire to do anything but show up to the big dance and try to score the hottest chick.

This would be, by the way, his fourth or fifth try for the White House, depending on how you score a run. But with four or five runs and no wins, it's pretty much like the Buffalo Bills' Super Bowl record. It therefore makes for interesting conversation when trading stories at the Baccarat table, but is otherwise unimpressive.

Nader, who turns 74 this week — even John McCain must be like: dude, you're too old — has devolved into trivia. A throwback to the Pat Paulsen sideshow candidate era. Not to be confused with the Ron Paul sideshow candidate era. The only thing new Nader's added to the process this quadrennial is the miraculous ability to unite the ire of Senators Obama and Clinton. Obama saying of Nader: "My sense is that Mr. Nader is somebody who, if you don't listen and adopt all of his policies, thinks you're not substantive." Clinton weighing in by saying: "I remember when he ran before. It didn't turn out very well for anybody — especially our country."

Hey, Mr. Nader. You got the two of them together. Chalk that up as your moment, and then go away. In case you need any assistance, I got my finger on speed dial.

2:16 PM ET | 02-25-2008 | permalink | comments (200) | e-mail post | trackbacks (0)

Castro: The Man and His Clothes

Fidel Castro then. (Giving a speech in May 2004 in Havana.)

Jorge Rey/Getty Images

 

Fidel Castro now. (In an image from state-owned Cubana Television, showing a picture taken by Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in January.)

TV Cubana/AFP/Getty Images

Re: Fidel Castro stepping down from power after nearly 50 years: First, let me congratulate the U.S. government. To all the naysayers who thought the slow, inexorable, decades-long grind of the economic embargo against Cuba would never work, I say: Mission Accomplished. And, to Raul Castro, if you think you've got an iron grip on things, I say to you: Get your calendar out. Your years are numbered.

But I will say this: Is it possible that not all the credit can go to the embargo?

In watching the endless archival footage of Castro played and replayed on cable TV, one thing stood out to me. Castro then/Castro now.

Castro then: a cigar-chomping El Jefe in military fatigues, ready to fight any brushfire war anywhere.

Castro now: an old guy wearing a track suit. Seriously, is that the gear of the dictator of a throwback Cold War-era satellite nation, or your grandpa going out to catch the early-bird special at Denny's? I saw Castro in that getup and it was obvious he was done.

So, is it really possible that if clothes make the man, they can undo him as well?

Wither Pervez Musharraf. When he was in his military duds, there was no doubt the dude was the iron-fisted strong man who led a bloodless coup to "save" his country. Then he "retired" from the military, swapped his soldier greens for business blue and got his ash can kicked in Pakistan's recent parliamentary elections.

Note to dictators: Ditch your tailor; stick with the scrambled eggs and chest decorations.

Which is a good idea, even if you're not in the military.

Besides the fact that he's loopy, can you really take Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad seriously in that anti-Western Western suit he wears? Kind of reminds me of the guy who shows up to an ultra-fancy restaurant just wearing a shirt and is forced into wearing the joint's one, ill-fitting jacket. In my Mr. Blackwell-esque opinion, Ahmadinejad would do much better in some official Mullah-wear that just screams "yes, I will dirty bomb you" the minute you set your peepers on him.

Speaking of Ahmadinejad, remember way back when Barack Obama was only super-popular instead of Jesus-popular? He used to go around sporting an open collar, and CNN infamously ran a piece saying the look was eerily similar to Ahmadinejad's casual Islamofascist style. Well, Obama got regular with some neck wear, and the rest is almost history.

What the wrong clothes undo, the right threads will redo as well.

2:17 PM ET | 02-22-2008 | permalink | comments (31) | e-mail post | trackbacks (0)

Your Government at Work: Saving Us from Spygate

A Cincinnati Bengals fan pokes fun at the Patriots' spying scandal at a game in October.

David Kohl/AP

This just in: The New England Patriots are big, fat cheats. No, seriously, they're really big, fat cheats. 'Cause, apparently, this fetish they have for taping other teams' signals wasn't limited to the Jets, or this season. They've been up to their shenanigans since the turn of this century.

Now, clearly, if the baseball/steroids mess has taught us anything, it's that when a minority of grown men are caught cheating in professional sports, the government has a responsibility to drop whatever it's doing and get involved.

Spygate, meet Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter.

On Wednesday, Specter met with NFL Commish Roger Goodell to read chapters one and two of the Riot Act. The abridged version goes like this: If the NFL doesn't step up its investigation into the Pats, there's a real possibility the Senate Judiciary Committee — of which Specter is the ranking member — may open its own investigation into the matter.

As an aside, Specter compared Goodell's destruction of the Pats' tapes of the Jets to the CIA destroying tapes of Camp X-Ray detainees being waterboarded. What a shame Sen. Specter isn't given to hyperbole.

Now, nobody likes the New England Patriots. That's just a fact. Even New England Patriots fans wish they lived somewhere else, so they could back a good team. But is there really a need for government to get involved in Spygate? Shouldn't investigating the NFL fall somewhere slightly behind rebuilding New Orleans and handling the subprime housing mess?

Oh, and it would be nice if they finally got around to nailing Osama.

Like my mother used to say: "After you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert." Same with the G. After you end poverty in America and shelter all the homeless, then you can go after the NFL.

But ending poverty and sheltering the homeless is hard. Grabbing headlines by going after star athletes... Easy peasy nice and cheesy.

Enough, federal men! You've already had a good year. You got Michael Vick; you got Marion Jones. Other than that, the spin of the pro-sports universe has a way of self-correcting.

A serious fine against the Pats from the NFL would be nice. But having the Giants hand them their backsides at the Super Bowl...? Priceless.

5:59 PM ET | 02-15-2008 | permalink | comments (7) | e-mail post | trackbacks (0)

Lived Fast, Died Way Too Young

With all the tragedy that gets play in just one news cycle, it's odd which stories in particular jump up and give you a shot to the gut. This one did it for me. Maybe because I found it on a Web site I usually click to distract me from life's daily tragedies.

I'm an auto enthusiast, and I spend way too much time checking out cars at Edmunds Inside Line. The other day they ran a piece called "The Short, Deadly Story of a Kid and his M5."

In brief: An 18-year-old kid had been posting on a site for BMW M5 enthusiasts that he'd been having trouble paddle-shifting his new M5 at speeds over 140 miles an hour.

Eighteen years old. New M5. Speeds over 140 miles an hour.

A few of the responses, as you can imagine, criticized punk kids with hot, new cars. But a good many of the responders gave heartfelt warnings to the young man to slow down, be careful and not to drive recklessly. The young man was fairly polite in his responses, but claimed that, although he drove fast, he was never reckless.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

He raced the BMW off the end of a runway at a private airstrip. The car traveled about 200 feet through the air before it hit a tree at a height of 15 feet. The driver of the car, 18-year-old Josh Ammirato, was killed. What's worse: There were four other people in the car, all between the ages of 18 and 20. All were killed instantly.

The No. 1 killer of teens is car crashes caused by teen drivers. Not guns, not drugs, not suicide.

There was a study done not too long ago by the Allstate Foundation that found that while most parents are actually aware of this fact, "many parents still: delay safe driving conversations with their teens until shortly before licensure, think their teens are immune to the risk of car crashes, allow their teens to drive or ride in dangerous conditions and model unsafe behavior behind the wheel."

Think about that next time you're chatting on your cell phone with your kid in the car, or wolfing down a Big Mac while trying to execute a left-hand turn.

I have.

That's why I watched the news clip of this accident with my young son, who's still got about a dozen years to go before he hits the road. Some might think he's too young to know of such things.

Maybe.

But I don't want to wait until it's too late to find out I didn't start soon enough.

12:53 PM ET | 02-14-2008 | permalink | comments (7) | e-mail post | trackbacks (0)

The Amy Winehouse Visa Hypocrisy

British singer Amy Winehouse, shown performing in November, had been denied a visa to travel to Los Angeles for the Grammy Awards, but authorities reversed their decision.

Sean Gallup/Getty Images for MTV

The off-again/on-again should-we-let-her-in Amy Winehouse visa saga is ... on again! At the 11th hour, the U.S. embassy over in GB rubber-stamped her so that Ms. Winehouse could — if she chooses — participate in Sunday's 50th Annual Grammy Awards. There was no official word as to why she originally got the thumbs down, but I would bet it had something to do with her most recent stab at taking the cure after a 19-minute toke video she starred in was leaked to the U.K. media.

Ironically, Louis C. Camilleri will have no trouble getting his visa stamped when he leaves the country for Switzerland. Mr. Camilleri is the current CEO of Altria Group, which is the parent company of Philip Morris, which is the largest tobacco company in the U.S. And the U.S. is the largest exporter of manufactured cigarettes on the planet, accounting for nearly 20 percent of the world total.

Why is Mr. Camilleri going to Switzerland? Because Altria Group is about to split off PMI — Philip Morris' international unit — from its domestic parent. The move, according to The Wall Street Journal, is being made to "free the tobacco giant's international operations of legal and public-relations headaches in the U.S. that have hindered its growth."

And out from under the yoke of oppressive U.S. regulations and lawsuits, there's plenty of growing to be done. Overseas, 5.2 trillion cigarettes are expected to be sucked down this year. In 2006, PMI out-earned Philip Morris USA with revenue of $48.26 billion to $18.47 billion for its domestic sibling. And without that pesky PC-health-crowd monkey on its back, PMI can start slinging some clever new smokes, like the Marlboro Intense. About a half-inch shorter than a regular Marlboro, this high-potency cigarette is designed to be fast-smoked by the tobacco addict forced outside into the cold and/or rain by indoor smoking bans. Or, how about the Marlboro Mix 9? High-nicotine, high-tar. 'Cause I guess just shooting yourself in the head doesn't kill you quick enough. And if you still don't think smoking is suicide, the WHO predicts 10 million people a year will die of smoking-related illness by 2020, making it the single leading cause of death worldwide.

Now, clearly, the U.S. can't truly stop Camilleri from leaving the country, or PMI from setting up shop in Fencesit-zerland. Smoking tobacco is, after all, legal. But if a guy who makes bank selling cancer is free to travel, comparatively the government shouldn't have been dithering over Winehouse's entry 'cause she might guzzle a little Cristal and trash a hotel room.

Unless, of course, she kills 10 million people in the process.

6:46 PM ET | 02- 8-2008 | permalink | comments (10) | e-mail post | trackbacks (0)