by Ian Chillag

Because, unlike her last horror movie campaign ad, Carly Fiorina's new ad is almost 8 minutes long, here's a guide to help you speed through to the good parts. Watch along with me! (And if you do nothing else, go to 2:55 and listen for the crazy Darth Vader breathing sound effects).

0:25 Thanks to residual gamma bomb radiation in her bloodstream, Barbara "Bruce Banner" Boxer begins to swell. BOXER SMASH!

0:49 It's amazing to think that at some point in the last month, there was a casting call for the role of "Barbara Boxer's Dangling Body."

 

0:52 If I had directed this, I would have made Carly Fiorina into the Washington Monument and had it pop the Barbara Boxerblimp.

0:59 The frightened citizen is good, but I would have added a Wilhelm Scream here.

1:39 Again, why not some Carly Fiorinawindmills to pop the Boxerblimp?

1:52 Barbara Boxer hates your sexy tan!

1:58 Okay, this is obscure, but does the Boxerblimp remind anyone else of the Sega Dreamcast game Seaman?

2:23 Wait...they're not saying the word "terrorist" just as Barbara Boxer, now an aircraft, is passing between tall buildings...are they?

2:55 Listen close and you can hear Darth Vader breathing. Seriously.

3:22 The scariest thing about the Boxerblimp is how it only gets boring channels.

4:57 In Demon Sheep 2, don't you think Carly Fiorina should be played by Holly Hunter?

5:15 Ouch. Wait, was that God who just poked her with the pushpin?

5:33 It's possible this is the same actress who played "Barbara Boxer's Dangling Body" back at 0:49.

5:50 Carly is killing this meeting, but somebody keeps using the reflection off their watch to blind her.

6:12 JUST SKIP THIS PART IT IS AWFUL.

7:30 That person playing with their dog on the beach seems totally unperturbed by the giant human head that just crashed into the ocean.

My prediction and my hope: the next ad shows Carly Fiorina as a fireball, literally.