Our technical director Robert Neuhaus defines a sandwich as "animal protein encased in bread product." By that definition, and only by that definition, do the new Dunkin' Donuts Sausage Pancake Bites fit our Sandwich Monday needs. They're basically sausages wrapped in maple-pancake batter—kind of a spherical McGriddle, or a tiny breakfast corndog.
Mike: Did we steal these from a nest? What bird laid that egg?
Ian: Pretty sure that's the egg that comes out of a fried chicken.
Mike: That looks less like a sausage and more like what gets mailed to you after someone kidnaps Jimmy Dean.
Robert: If I were Dunkin' Donuts, I'd have called these "Meat Munchkins."
It's hard to believe the only thing they warned us about was the temperature.
Eva: It's like a cocoon, and in a few weeks out will pop a disappointing butterfly.
Ian: Butter, yes. Fly, less so. I think what comes out of this is a Buttersit.
Ian: It seems like a giant pill, no?
Eva: Finally! A cure for thinness!
Mike: These are pellets. Breakfast pellets.
Ian: Yes, we've finally become hamsters. This is large-scale hamster food.
Mike: Dunkin's should start selling their coffee in giant hanging bottles.
Ian: Man, 300 calories. I gotta go get on the wheel.
[The verdict: admittedly delicious, but not in a way you feel good about morally or physically. Serving size: 3 breakfast pellets, and that's too many.]