You may say a burrito is not a sandwich. You may even bring up a 2006 ruling by Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke as legal precedent to prove a burrito is not a sandwich. But around here, we use the definition provided by our technical director Robert Neuhaus: a sandwich is "animal protein encased in bread product." We use this not because it is correct, but because it allows us to eat the widest range of terrifying foods possible. Case in point: The Taco Bell "Beefy Crunch Burrito," a tortilla wrapped around "beef," cheese, rice, reduced fat (?) sour cream, and Flamin' Hot Fritos.
Eva: I notice it says "beefy," not beef. True considering what we know about Taco Bell meat.
Ian: I probably would have used the word "beefish."
Ian: It's like the Flamin' Hot Fritos Scout Troop went camping, and these are their sleeping bags.
Mike: Is there a merit badge for the lowest percentage of actual beef in a burrito?
Peter: Did you know how much these cost? A dollar!
Eva: It'd be better to just crush up the dollar and eat that in a burrito.
Robert: Maybe if I can dissect this thing down to the molecular level I'll come across something of animal origin.
Ian: Your 7 years at Taco Medical School are finally paying off.
Eva's was saltier, because she cried into it.
Eva's was saltier, because she cried into it. NPR
Robert: This filling is so mysterious, this thing is basically a sausage with a tortilla casing.
Ian: But I like entree and side dish together in one food. It's like the burrito is a crystal ball, and I can see into my intestine's future.
Peter: If they're going to put everything you need for a meal inside the burrito, they should have left some space for regret.
[The verdict: the flavor of Fritos is pretty overpowering. We doubt there are a lot of foods you could add Fritos to that would not end up tasting just like Fritos. Also, the name says "Crunch" but there wasn't a lot of crunch in there, once the sour cream got to the Fritos. All in all, if you're going to eat something really unhealthy, there are tastier ways to go.]