Sandwich Mondays

Sandwich Monday: The 7-11 Buffalo Chicken Roller

When you're a kid, you think the hot dog is going to be as disturbing as it gets, as far as cylindrical foods are concerned. Churros are bad for you, sure, but at least you can trace their origins. Cucumbers and carrots are confusing and strange, but they're not bad for you. Then, one day, along comes the 7-11 Buffalo Chicken Roller.

The flag. i
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The flag.
NPR

Peter: It looks like the flag of some obese nation.

Ian: You mean America?

The badness leaked through the container, just as Robert's emotions leaked through his face. i

The badness leaked through the container, just as Robert's emotions leaked through his face. NPR hide caption

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The badness leaked through the container, just as Robert's emotions leaked through his face.

The badness leaked through the container, just as Robert's emotions leaked through his face.

NPR

Ian: It's basically a blowgun, except instead of darts you shoot heart disease at people.

Robert: Sausage looks at this and is like "you don't want to know how that gets made."

"Fresh" from the "grill." i

"Fresh" from the "grill." NPR hide caption

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"Fresh" from the "grill."

"Fresh" from the "grill."

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Ian: The one problem with the look of these is nowhere on them does it clearly say DO NOT EAT.

Peter: I wish you could get all of your day's nutrition in just one of these things, with the length determined by your needs. And you'd just start on one end in the morning, and finish by evening.

Eva: Any wish that results in there being more of this is a bad wish.

Cross-section. i
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Cross-section.
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Peter: We've found the one part of the buffalo the Navajo didn't eat.

Mike: Another way snakes are better than Buffalo Chicken Rollers: snakes have colored rings or rattles letting you know they're poisonous.

Poor Robert. i

Poor Robert. NPR hide caption

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Poor Robert.

Poor Robert.

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Peter: Why is it shaped like this?

Ian: The 7-11 Security Force uses them as batons.

Mike: No, they're pre-shaped to slide right through your intestines!

Eva: Can I just eat the box they came in?

[The verdict: frightening to look at, and the kindest word I can come up with to describe the consistency is "mysterious." It seems unnecessary to warn you against something every one of your instincts has probably told you is a bad idea, but trust me: you don't want this.]

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