Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!

The Wait Wait Snack Pack

A weekend installment of the online play-at-home news quiz.

1. The president took to the road to sell his jobs plan, and at one point seemed to get a little desperate. How did he implore the crowd at North Carolina State University.

A. "Pass this bill or no Ryan Gosling!"
B. "I've got a signed pair of Air Jordans for anyone who votes for me."
C. "If you love me, you've got to help me pass this bill!"
D. "Please, please, I don't want to be another Jimmy Carter ... let's pass something."

2. At the CNN/Tea Party Republican Debate, one or more people in the audience responded with applause and shouts of "Yeah!" at what prospect?

A. Society allowing a hypothetical man without insurance to simply die
B. The start of the "swimsuit contest" portion of the debate
C. Inoculating Governor Rick Perry himself against the virus that causes cervical cancer
D. A GOP dance off

3. Among other exciting finds, astronomers this week announced the discovery of an extra-solar planet they're calling ... what?

A. Diet Earth
B. Earth XP
C. Super Earth
D. Cool Ranch Earth

4. The U.S. Marine Corps is now offering civilians an officially endorsed what?

A. Amphibious troop carrier
B. Perfume
C. Home tattoo kit
D. Toy predator drone

5. Watson, the Jeopardy champion IBM super computer, has gotten itself a real job ... it will be doing what?

A. Running the Commerce Department
B. Making patient care decisions for a giant insurance company
C. Greeting people at the new Sandusky, Oh Wal-mart
D. Giving motivational speeches to lesser computers

6. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is rumored to be running for president of Russia again next year. Part of his campaign to woo the public is a series of photo ops featuring him in action doing ... what?

A. Driving a Formula One race car
B. Harpooning a whale
C. Consoling a tiger cub
D. All of the above

7. Ikea knows that shopping for furniture can be stressful for couples, and now they're trying to help by offering them what?

A. Illustrated instructions to repair your marriage
B. Creating a play area for men
C. Offering larger "man size" Swedish meatballs
D. Building new womens-only stores. They'll be pink.

8. A wide new study has found that fatherhood does what to men?

A. Makes them really cool
B. Makes them less manly
C. Makes them tell terrible jokes
D. Makes them love daytime soaps

9. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says a video of New York City cops bumping and grinding with parade goers just proves what?

A. New York cops are really good dancers
B. Cops are our friends, not our enemies.
C. People should dress modestly so as not to lead police officers into temptation
D. Everyone loves a man in uniform

1. Answer: C. "If you love me, you've got to help me pass this bill!" A member of the crowd shouted "I love you, Barack!" and the president responded imploringly. You can trace the decline of the president's influence via the trajectory of his slogans: from "Yes We Can!" to "Pass This Bill" and soon to "Please Don't Hurt Me" and then "Hey, You Gonna Finish That?"

2. Answer: A. Society allowing a hypothetical man without insurance to simply die. To be fair to the enthused man in the audience who shouted, "Yeah!" at the prospect of the hypothetical man's death, he had just been rear ended by a hypothetical man on the way to the debate.

3. Answer: C. Super Earth. The planet is just 36 light years away and is virtually indistinguishable from our regular Earth until it removes its glasses.

4. Answer: B. Perfume. The U.S. Marine Corps Devil Dog perfume is a "finely crafted fusion of sandalwood, cedar, and citric spices." You can also buy U.S. Army Perfume, but don't wear them both at the same time — your pulse points will get into a bar fight.

5. Answer: B. Making patient care decisions for a giant insurance company. The health insurance giant WellPoint, will use Watson's massive database and computing power to make patient care decisions for its more than 34 million clients. Best part, its decisions come in the form of a question: "What is... you have two weeks to live?"

6. Answer: D. All of the above. This week the Atlantic.com put together a gallery of over 30 photos of the Russian leader displaying his manliness. In addition to the above, he's shown defeating a judo opponent, giving a piano recital; snuggling with a puppy, piloting a fire-fighting plane; bottle feeding a young moose; driving a tank; playing hockey, talking to a lion; whispering to a horse; bending frying pan with his bare hands and deep sea diving off the coast of Greece to discover two ancient clay urns.

7. Answer: B. Creating a play area for men. Ikea has had a child play area called Smaland for years, but now at at least one store, women can ditch their annoying husbands too ... in "Manland." There's foosball, comfy chairs, video games, and free hot dogs — everything a man could want short of "not being forced to go shopping in the first place."

8. Answer B. Makes them less manly. Caring for children causes a steep drop in testosterone levels and keeps new dads home, instead of out sewing their oats. This is a good thing because otherwise dads would watch their wives nursing a newborn and yell, "Chug chug!"

9. Answer B. Cops are our friends, not our enemies. Officers patrolling the West Indian Day parade were simply fulfilling their pledge to protect and serve the scantily clad booties of the revelers by shielding them with their Police Crotches.

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Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!
Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!

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