1.) A pro-Putin demonstrator at a rally in Moscow was interviewed by the Times and said he had taken to the streets because ...
A) "I just like the way the president looks without his shirt off."
B) "Takin' It To The Streets was not only his favorite Doobie Brothers song; it was also his hobby."
C) "I've looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul."
D) "I don't have a clue why I'm here. It's for television."
2.) The National Transportation Safety Board has recommended a nationwide ban on what?
A) Truck Nutz
B) Using a cellphone, in any way, while driving
C) The Pontiac Aztek
D) That thing where you hold your hand out the window and make little waves
3.) To create some fellowship and good feeling, the United States Senate held its first ever what?
A) Sleepover at Chuck Schumer's
B) Three-legged race
C) Drum circle
D) Secret Santa gift exchange
4.) According to the New York Post, Yankee superstar Derek Jeter gives all of his romantic partners what, as he bids them farewell?
A) Alex Rodriguez's cellphone number
B) Tips on their batting stance
C) A basket of signed sports memorabilia
D) A $25 Home Depot gift card
5.) The New York Times ran a feature this week about a crisis threatening to unravel the fabric of America ... what is it?
A) Faulty mothballs
B) A shortage of new reality shows
C) People bringing store-bought goods to bake sales
D) The deepening rift between Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford
6.) It's been a big week in science. Physicists at the Large Hadron Collider say they may have found the so-called God particle, and one computer scientist came up with a new method of finding what?
B) The meaning of life
C) Someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
D) His one missing sock
7.) Brazilian heroes have designed a device that prevents what from happening during a drunken night on the town?
A) Embarrassing photos
B) Embarrassing pickup lines
C) Embarrassing anecdotes
D) Embarrassing wedgies
8.) For nerdy parents of nerdy kids, a shop on Etsy is selling a line of dolls modeled after whom?
A) Famous writers
B) U.S. surgeons general
C) Popular YouTube cats
D) Hedge fund managers
9.) There's a hip new trend among American teenage girls ... according to researchers, they're deliberately giving themselves what?
B) Speech impediments
C) Muffin tops
1.) Answer, D: "I don't have a clue why I'm here. It's for television." Time magazine revised its cover story declaring "The Protester" the Person of the Year to say, "Except for that guy."
2.) Answer, B: Using a cellphone, in any way, while driving. They say any cellphone use, from texting to talking via a headset, is as dangerous as driving drunk. The drivers of America responded saying the only way the NTSB will get their phones is to pry them from their cold dead hands, which ironically, is how a lot of people get their new phones.
3.) Answer, D: Secret Santa gift exchange. Sixty-one senators participated, exchanging gifts worth $10 or less. With an odd number participating, one senator had to be left out, and of course it was once again Joe Lieberman.
4.) Answer, C: A basket of signed sports memorabilia. The Post was tipped off to the practice by a woman who spent a second night with Jeter and was offended to receive the same basket of signed swag. As a returning customer, she expected an upgrade.
5.) Answer, C: People bringing store-bought goods to bake sales. The food blogging community is all up in arms over people bringing snacks from the store to bake sales. It's mostly upscale parents who do it — because nothing says, "I'm too busy buying and selling people like you to bake you a damned snickerdoodle" like two dozen Hostess Sno Balls.
6.) Answer, A: Waldo. In a write-up on stackoverflow.com, a computer scientist used the imaging software Mathematica to come up with an algorithm that can find Waldo in any image. This development will have serious implications for U.S. surveillance ops if terrorists ever start wearing stripey sweaters and red stocking caps.
7.) Answer, B: Embarrassing pickup lines. The Norte Photoblocker is a beer cozy that doubles as photo deflector. Set it on a nearby surface and it detects camera flashes and fires back, flooding photos with a bright white light. Unfortunately, it does not serve as a "he'll do for tonight" blocker.
8.) Answer, A: Famous writers. Uneek Doll Designs, on Etsy.com, supplies craft dolls in the likeness of writers such as Joyce Carol Oates, Judy Blume and Sappho. Steer clear of the Sylvia Plath doll, however; she's great at first, but then she gets moody.
9.) Answer, B: Speech impediments. "Vocal Fry," as it's called, was considered a speech disorder until Kesha and Britney Spears popularized it in their music. Linguists describe it as a low creaky vibration that happens when you try to go lower than your natural range. Fathers describe it as "yet another reason why I can't understand a word my teenager is saying to me."