LANGUAGE ADVISORY: This excerpt contains language some might find offensive.
New Rule: This one is for Mexican drug lords: If you don't knock off this violence right now, I'm going to stop smoking pot entirely. Just kidding. I'll get it from Thailand.
New Rule: My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank. Besides, I've already taken the most important precaution to make sure nobody abuses my credit card: I'm single.
New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi's new CD debuted at number four on the charts. Which tells me (a) his music is as relevant as ever . . . and (b) that baby boomers still haven't figured out how to steal music off the Internet.
New Rule: Somebody who went to Woodstock has to admit that it sucked. Wow, you got to see Country Joe and the Fish, Sha Na Na, and Arlo Guthrie in one weekend? Plus you caught E. coli from having sex in the mud? I am soooo jealous! Let's look at the legacy of Woodstock. Tim Hardin? Heroin overdose. Janis Joplin? Heroin overdose. Jimi Hendrix? Choked on his own vomit. I can think of only one place I'd rather be, less than Woodstock: Woodstock '99.
New Rule: We don't need a Broadway musical about Spider-Man. He lives with his aunt, wears a body stocking, and leads a secret double life. He's gay enough already.
New Rule: Waiters must stop saying, "Did you save room for dessert?" This is America. We don't save room for dessert, we make room for dessert. Dessert isn't a delightful way to cap off a meal, it's a challenge. In Russia they swim in subzero temperatures, in Spain they run with the bulls, and here we eat forty pounds of goo from a place called The Cheesecake Factory.
Excerpted from The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass, copyright 2011 by Bill Maher. Reprinted by permission of Blue Rider Press an imprint of Penguin Group USA.