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from
Chuckles Bites the Dust
by David Lloyd
on
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Int. Mortuary Chapel-Day
We don't actually see a casket. We see two or three rows of people, facing
a small lectern where the minister will speak. Two of the rows are
strangers: one is WJM people. Sue Ann is there. After a beat, Ted,
Georgette, and Mary enter, make their way up the aisle, and slide into the
WJM row. Organ music plays faintly. They exchange hellos.
Sue Ann: You're looking very nice, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, Sue Ann. I just paid half a buck to have my shoes
done. Cream
shine. I think that's what he would have wanted.
Georgette: (Looking around) Why do people always send flowers
when
someone passes on?
Sue Ann: What would you suggest, dear, fruit?
Georgette: It's so sad. Funerals always come too late.
Mary: Ah, I'm... not sure I understand that, Georgette.
Georgette: Well I mean, we take people for granted while
they're
with
us.
Then, when they're gone, we wish we'd been nicer to them. So we dress in
black and cry our eyes out. Why don't we ever think to do that while
they're still alive?
Mary: Good question.
Ted: I wish I'd been nicer to Chuckles when I had the chance. I
always
kind of looked down on him-you know, him being a clown. I was prejudiced
against him just because his skin was different colors than mine.
(Lou and Murray enter. They all exchange hellos.)
Lou: (Looking around) Not much of a crowd.
Ted: I know. If it were my funeral this place would be
packed.
Murray: That's right, Ted. It's just a matter of giving the
public
what
they want.
Lou: (Still looking around) I wonder which ones are the other
clowns?
Murray: You'll know soon. They're all going to jump out of a
little
hearse.
Mary: (Sharply) Murray-enough is enough! This is a funeral.
Somebody has
died. It's not something to make jokes about. We came here to show
respect-not to laugh.
Murray: I'm sorry, Mary, you're right. No more jokes.
(Organ music stops and Reverend Burke steps to the lectern.)
Burke: My friends... "Any man's death diminishes me, because I am
involved in mankind. Therefore, ask not for whom the bell tolls-it tolls
for thee."
Ted: (Sotto: scandalized) Hey, Lou, he stole your poem!
Burke: Chuckles the Clown gave pleasure to millions. The
characters he
created will be remembered by children and adults alike: Peter Peanut, Mr.
Fee-Fi-Fo, Billy Banana, and my particular favorite, Aunt Yoo-Hoo.
(Mary stifles a laugh.)
And not just for the laughter they provided-there was always some deeper
meaning to whatever Chuckles did. Remember Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo's little catch
phrase, remember how when his arch Rival Seņor Caboom would hit him with
the giant cucumber and knock him down? Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo would always pick
himself up, dust himself off and say, "I hurt my foo-foo."
(Mary again stifles a laugh. The others in the row glare at her.)
Life's a lot like that. From time to time we all fall down and hurt our
foo-foo's.
(Mary again has to stifle a laugh. Other people turn to look at her.)
If only we could all deal with it as simply and bravely and honestly as
Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo. And what did Chuckles ask in return? Not much-in his own
words-"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants."
(Mary has great difficulty in stifling herself here. Many people turn to
look at her.)
(Looking right at Mary) Excuse me, young lady... yes you... would you
stand up please?
(Mary, with no alternative, stands up.)
You feel like laughing, don't you?
Don't try to stop yourself. Go ahead, laugh out loud. Don't you see?
Nothing could have made Chuckles happier. He lived to make people
laugh.
He found tears offensive, deeply offensive. He hated to see people cry. Go
ahead, my dear-laugh.
(As Mary bursts into tears, we:)
Fade Out.
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