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The Dead Parrot
from Monty Python's Flying Circus
Python Productions
MR. PRALINE walks into the shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage. He walks
to counter where SHOPKEEPER tries to hide below cash register.
PRALINE Hello, I wish to register a complaint... Hello?
Miss?
SHOPKEEPER What do you mean, miss?
PRALINE Oh, sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint.
SHOPKEEPER Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
PRALINE Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about
this parrot that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
SHOPKEEPER Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
PRALINE I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead,
that's what's wrong with it.
SHOPKEEPER No, no it's resting, look!
PRALINE Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one
and I'm looking at one right now.
SHOPKEEPER No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
PRALINE Resting?
SHOPKEEPER Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue,
beautiful plumage, innit?
PRALINE The plumage don't enter into it-it's stone dead.
SHOPKEEPER No, no-it's resting.
PRALINE All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up.
[Shouts into cage] Hello, Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when
you wake up, Polly Parrot!
SHOPKEEPER [jogging cage] There, it moved.
PRALINE No, he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
SHOPKEEPER I did not.
PRALINE Yes, you did. [Takes parrot out of cage, shouts]
Hello, Polly, Polly. [Bangs it against counter] Polly Parrot, wake up.
Polly. [Throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor] Now that's
what I call a dead parrot.
SHOPKEEPER No, no it's stunned.
PRALINE Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour
ago you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and
shagged out after a long squawk.
SHOPKEEPER It's probably pining for the fiords.
PRALINE Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk it that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
SHOPKEEPER The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.
Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
PRALINE Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot,
and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its
perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
SHOPKEEPER Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it
would muscle up to those bars and voom.
PRALINE Look, matey [Picks up parrot], this parrot
wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding
demised.
SHOPKEEPER It's not, it's pining.
PRALINE It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no
more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This
is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you
hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up daisies. It's rung
down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
SHOPKEEPER Well, I better replace it then.
PRALINE [to camera] If you want to get anything done in this
country you've go to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
SHOPKEEPER Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots.
PRALINE I see, I see. I get the picture.
SHOPKEEPER I've got a slug.
PRALINE Does it talk?
SHOPKEEPER Not really, no.
PRALINE Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it?
SHOPKEEPER Listen, I'll tell you what [handing over a card],
tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace
your parrot for you.
PRALINE Bolton eh?
SHOPKEEPER Yeah.
PRALINE All right.
[He leaves, holding the parrot]
Caption: "A Similar Pet Shop in Bolton Lanes"
Close-up of sign on door reading "Similar Pet Shops Ltd." Pull back from
sign to see same pet shop. SHOPKEEPER now has moustache. PRALINE walks
into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage
still on the floor. ...
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