The School
from
Sixty Stories
by Donald Barthelme

Well, we had all these children out planting trees, see, because we figured that ... that was part of their education, to see how, you know, the root systems ... and also the sense of responsibility, taking care of things, being individually responsible. You know what I mean. And the trees all died. They were orange trees. I donít know why they died, they just died. Something wrong with the soil possibly or maybe the stuff we got from the nursery wasnít the best. We complained about it. So weíve got thirty kids there, each kid had his or her own little tree to plant and weíve got these thirty dead trees. All these kids looking at these little brown sticks, it was depressing.

It wouldnít have been so bad except that just a couple of weeks before the thing with the trees, the snakes all died. But I think that the snakes Ė well, the reason that the snakes kicked off was that ... you remember, the boiler was shut off for four days because of the strike, and that was explicable. It was something you could explain to the kids because of the strike. I mean, none of their parents would let them cross the picket line and they knew there was a strike going on and what it meant. So when things got started up again and we found the snakes they werenít too disturbed.

With the herb gardens it was probably a case of overwatering, and at least now they know not to overwater. The children were very conscientious with the herb gardens and some of them probably ... you know, slipped them a little extra water when we werenít looking. Or maybe ... well, I donít like to think about sabotage, although it did occur to us. I mean, it was something that crossed our minds. We were thinking that way probably because before that the gerbils had died, and the white mice had died, and the salamander ... well, now they know not to carry them around in plastic bags.

Of course we expected the tropical fish to die, that was no surprise. Those numbers, you look at them crooked and theyíre belly-up on the surface. But the lesson plan called for a tropical fish input at that point, there was nothing we could do, it happens every year, you just have to hurry past it.

We werenít even supposed to have a puppy.

We werenít even supposed to have one, it was just a puppy the Murdoch girl found under a Gristedeís truck one day and she was afraid the truck would run over it when the driver had finished making his delivery, so she stuck it in her knapsack and brought it to the school with her. So we had this puppy. As soon as I saw the puppy I thought, Oh Christ, I bet it will live for about two weeks and then... And thatís what it did. It wasnít supposed to be in the classroom at all, thereís some kind of regulation about it, but you canít tell them they canít have a puppy when the puppy is already there, right in front of them, running around on the floor and yap yap yapping. They named it Edgar Ė that is, they named it after me. They had a lot of fun running after it and yelling, ďHere, Edgar! Nice Edgar!Ē Then theyíd laugh like hell. They enjoyed the ambiguity. I enjoyed it myself. I donít mind being kidded. They made a little house for it in the supply closet and all that. I donít know what it died of. Distemper, I guess. It probably hadnít had any shots. I got it out of there before the kids got to school. I checked the supply closet each morning, routinely, because I knew what was going to happen. I gave it to the custodian.

And then there was this Korean orphan that the class adopted through the Help the Children program, all the kids brought in a quarter a month, that was the idea. It was an unfortunate thing, the kidís name was Kim and maybe we adopted him too late or something. The cause of death was not stated in the letter we got, they suggested we adopt another child instead and sent us some interesting case histories, but we didnít have the heart. The class took it pretty hard, they began (I think, nobody ever said anything to me directly) to feel that maybe there was something wrong with the school. But I donít think thereís anything wrong with the school, particularly, Iíve seen better and Iíve seen worse. It was just a run of bad luck. We had an extraordinary number of parents passing away, for instance. There were I think two heart attacks and two suicides, one drowning, and four killed together in a car accident. One stroke. And we had the usual heavy mortality rate among the grandparents, or maybe it was heavier this year, it seemed so. And finally the tragedy.

The tragedy occurred when Matthew Wein and Tony Mavrogordo were playing over where theyíre excavating for the new federal office building. There were all these big wooden beams stacked, you know, at the edge of the excavation. Thereís a court case coming out of that, the parents are claiming that the beams were poorly stacked. I donít know whatís true and whatís not. Itís been a strange year.

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© Copyright Donald Barthelme, 1981. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system now or hereafter invented, without permission in writing from the Publisher.