Last year, I gave readers advice about what songs they should or shouldn't put on a Valentine's Day mix. This year, let's try something different.
What Valentine's Day Song Are You?
Whether or not you have a sweetheart, a secret or not-so-secret crush, an ex who you hope is as alone as you are on Feb. 14, a gas-station attendant you think is hot, an itch, an urge or a pet, Valentine's Day is a time to send a message. And, as you know, we music fans like to speak through the power of song. But what if you're not sure what message to send, or which song to use as the fulcrum for your mix? Fear not, my friends: Monitor Mix is here to help.
You are: Never alone.
Your person doesn't like you to leave the house unless it's with them. Why? What if you have fun without them? What if you uttered a sentence that they didn't hear? What if you ate a kind of food they didn't realize you liked? You speak only with the pronoun "we." As in, "We liked The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "We are doing well, thanks," and "We were just going to the bathroom." How do you honor this blissful conjoined-ness in song? Simple!
Huey Lewis & The News, "Stuck With You."
The Velvet Underground, "I'm Sticking With You."
(Your song's the easy part; what will be difficult is getting a few minutes of alone time in order to make the mix.)
You are: Crushed out to the point of 2-D.
What the f—- happened to you? You're distracted, you're cruising astrology sites hoping to find one that says the two of you make a good match (you found one, it's from Croatia), you're overlooking deal-breakers like the fact that he doesn't know the difference between "their" and "they're" (you've decided that's just the elitist in you talking) or that she's never heard of Led Zeppelin. All that is totally unimportant; you're showering more than three times a week, boning up on Op-Ed pieces, flossing, trying to rotate the jeans you wear and seeing if jewelry makes a difference. You're a mess, but you love it; more importantly, you hope they love it.
Beat Happening, "Bewitched."
Edwyn Collins, "A Girl Like You."
Yardbirds, "Putty in Your Hands."
You are: Building a shrine to your ex for Valentine's Day.
Remember last year, and the year before that? Remember the flowers, the candy and the phone messages that you still have saved? The hand-holding, the fact that you both loved Season 2 of The Wire, the time you picked each other's back acne (a.k.a "bacne") and laughed until a little pee came out... You'd never been so close to anyone before. This Feb. 14 will be spent surrounded by old photos and a bottle or two of Maker's Mark. Make sure to send a drunken text message at around 11:55 p.m.
Magnetic Fields, "I Don't Want to Get Over You."
You are: Happily in a relationship.
No one wants to read that.
You: Hate Valentine's Day.
Isn't the holiday associated with a massacre of some sort? You'll make sure to tell all of your married friends that. And the whole thing has really become so commercialized, don't you think? You're certainly not going to play into this mainstream capitalism bullcrap by buying flowers or chocolates; that's for sissies. In fact, you might even stage a small protest outside a Hallmark store and give the finger to a single mom peddling carnations on the side of the road. Take that! Then, on Feb. 15, you'll register on eHarmony and describe yourself as a romantic.
An entire Nine Inch Nails album.
So, what Valentine's Day song represents you this year — or has represented you in past years? And feel free to add songs to the categories mentioned above.