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Your Mother's Yearbook Called, And It Wants Its Hair Back

I saw this commercial go by on the entirely real television last night, and I couldn't help sharing it. The moderately insane fad beauty product hasn't been as in vogue recently as it was for a while (where have you gone, Topsy Tail?), and I was sort of thrilled at the suggestion that you should purchase a giant piece of plastic to help you look more like Audrey Hepburn.

Just look at the gallery! Look at the giant hair! The Bump-It is appropriate, the above commercial swears, for tennis! The pool! The red carpet!

It occurred to me that this might kind of a ridiculous idea, but then it occurred to me that I wear an awful lot of sweatshirts. So I went to an expert: Jessica Morgan of Go Fug Yourself, the brilliantly funny and multiple-award-winning home of red-carpet fashion joy and puzzlement.

Jessica was somewhat less intensely weirded out by the Bump-It than I: "As someone who loves big hair, I have to admit that I'm sort of dying to try it myself," she spilled. As for the red carpet, she points out that using forms to create giant red-carpet hair isn't that unusual, particularly in the creation of things like beehives — "I sort of wish the beehive would come back," she noted — even though properly motivated celebrities can perfectly well get their giant hair "using back-combing and extensions, like a normal person." Jessica suspects that, in fact, if a professional used a Bump-It or something like it in a red-carpet do, you might never notice it, let alone think it looked as freakish as some of the pictures appear.

But she backed me up on my first fashion-ignorant guess: "That said, SWIMMING seems like a HUGE MISTAKE. Who needs big, giant hair whilst swimming?"