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Eight Quick And Easy Ways To Get Yourself Booted Off 'Project Runway'

A design from Episode 3 of this season of Project Runway

We're not saying this design was eliminated from last night's Project Runway, but it has some issues. Kannie Yu LaPack/Lifetime Entertainment Services hide caption

toggle caption Kannie Yu LaPack/Lifetime Entertainment Services

Are you stranded on Project Runway with no chance to get away? Do you find yourself coming in second-to-last on Lifetime's flagging reality franchise, desperately wishing you could find a way to lose already so you could just go home? Fortunately, there are some very reliable ways to end your run almost immediately.

1. Ignore Tim Gunn. Did Tim Gunn tell you to use fewer ruffles? MORE RUFFLES! Did he tell you the belt was a little much? MAKE IT BIGGER! What does that guy know, anyway? He doesn't even wear dresses.

2. Show as much of the model's behind as possible. Never mind what fancypants magazine editor Anne Slowey famously told one designer about a skating costume that exposed large swaths of the model's rear end: there is no such thing as showing "entirely too much tootie." The more tootie, the better.

3. When in doubt, glue more stuff on that puppy. Bows, sequins, stuffed animals, canceled checks, discarded printer cartridges — bring it on! More, more!

4. Ignore the rules of the challenge. You know who follows rules? Rule-followers, that's who. Have the courage to take on a difficult challenge and then decide to ignore it entirely. Have the strength of character to say, "You know what? I know you wanted me to make a blue dress, but that is simply not within my aesthetic, so I have decided to make this white dress on the theory that in the future, aliens will see white the way we now see blue. Don't blame me if you can't get with my vision."

5. Remember: straight seams are for nerds. What's important is that you are interesting and inventive. So a hem hangs down! So a seam is puckering! What is this, Project Well-Made Clothes? No. No, it isn't.

6. Make clothes that do not allow normal functioning. If models wanted to sit down, they'd be IT professionals, wouldn't they? If they wanted to walk all over the place, they'd be ... whatever, they'd be doing that. Let's not even get into eating. Models are happy to just stand in one place with one hand on one hip, so really, feel free to design that dress that's actually a sheet-metal cone. Position that paper streamer so that moving slightly will result in an indecent exposure citation.

Michael Kors

Judge Michael Kors is just one of the hazards into which a Project Runway contestant might tumble. Kannie Yu LaPack/Lifetime Entertainment Services hide caption

toggle caption Kannie Yu LaPack/Lifetime Entertainment Services

7. Imagine someone uninterested in fashion and filled with despair, and design for that person. The plain blouse has its fans, you know. So does the nondescript pair of navy pants. What did bust darts ever do to you anyway? When did "matronly" become a bad word? Do you have something against matrons? They're not all bad.

8. Make a dress appropriate for a [blank] [something] at a [whatever]. You want to aim for a look that will allow Michael Kors to combine some of his favorite words of distress into a single put-down. On last night's episode, it was, "She looks like a transvestite flamenco dancer at a funeral." (I would just like to say that in an effort to make sure I quoted this exactly, I Googled the phrase "Michael Kors tranvestite funeral." I dearly hope I am the first. And the last.)

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