While basking in the "96F/Feels Like: Inside A Blow Dryer Crossed With The Jungle" days of a D.C. summer, I have tried to locate the precise source of my grumpiness. As much as I would like to attribute all of it to the sweat running down the backs of my legs on such days, the fact that I walk outside and immediately become sweatier than Matthew McConaughey's chest in A Time To Kill, or the fact that getting off an air-conditioned bus makes a film of fog immediately settle itself upon my glasses leaving open the possibility that I will imminently be a (1) sweaty (2) nerd (3) bumping into things, I have a feeling there is something else afoot.
There are no holidays in August! No holidays. Every other month has one that is either a day off or at least a day to buy someone a tie. I mean, seriously. New Year's! Valentine's Day! St. Patrick's Day! Easter! Memorial Day! Flag Day! Independence Day! AUGUST! Labor Day! Halloween! Thanksgiving! Christmas Et Cetera!
THIS MUST BE REMEDIED. And I am perfectly happy to start brainstorming ideas. Let's get on it. Here are some of mine. I think they're pretty good.
Editor Day (August 12th). This is the day when we celebrate people who have the job of tirelessly making other people look good. Happy Editor Day! The best thing about this would be that every Editor Day would be spent arguing over whether it should be Editor Day, Editors Day, Editor's Day, or Editors' Day.
Sweat Day (August 1st). If there were such a thing as Sweat Day, we could feel like we were celebrating it instead of experiencing it against our will. The ritual greeting would be walking up to other people and showing them your underarms. "HAPPY SWEAT DAY!" And here in D.C., our overwhelming dampness would merely be a cause for rejoicing. There would be parades.
Barista Day (first Monday in August). This would be the one day when it would be your job to spell the barista's name correctly and you can just see how you like it, smarty. (For more on the inspiration for this holiday, please see my latest favorite Tumblr, Starbucks Spelling.)
Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves Day (August 20th). This way, we get three groups out of the way at the same time and also celebrate Cher. This holiday is a model of efficiency.
Wax Day (August 16th). You would celebrate this holiday by going to a wax museum. It would be like eating turkey on Thanksgiving. You would do it just because it's what you do. You go to a wax museum on Wax Day. Not only would this provide endless opportunities for great holiday portraiture, but it would also do great things for the wax museum industry, which would start Wax Day promotions in June.
Jon Hamm Day (last Thursday in August). Self-explanatory.
Throw Your Phone Day (August 25th). This is the one day a year when everyone has carte blanche to throw their phone at a wall. Not at a person; that would be dangerous. But on this day, you can throw your phone at a wall. Again, this would have considerable economic impacts, as it would provide a boost to the extremely popular cell phone industry.
I invite you in the comments to propose your own holiday. I am not absolutely committed to any of these, but I think we need a holiday in August.
At least I do.