It's one of those things you do when you get bad news. You say, I'll put off thinking about it until tomorrow. Except that doesn't always work.
In fact, I don't think it ever works.
The news we got yesterday still seems just as bleak today. It's not that there was any one thing that had gone wrong. No one new crisis. It was more that they're sure the disease is catching up to me.
Let's be honest here. We knew this was going to happen at some point. Short of a miracle, there was going to come a point where the cancer just becomes too much for my body to handle.
Except for the last two years or so, we'd been finding those miracles. RFA killed some of the tumors in my lungs, and I hope it worked for some of you, too. Hot glue in my spine, freezing a rib — all those were short term miracles. All ways for the little boy to stick his finger in the cancer dike.
But if we've learned one thing, it's that cancer is relentless. It doesn't lose a battle here or there and then give up. I wish it did. I wish all you had to do was kill a tumor or two and then the cancer would throw up its hands and say, "Okay, you win."
But we all know better. It never gives up.
Now, that doesn't mean we give up either. I think it just means that at some point, the cancer wins.
I don't plan on that happening soon.
When it does, I hope that someone looks at my cancer and says, "Well, maybe you won, but he sure beat the crap out of you before he went down."