NPR logo Losing Control Yet Not Giving Up

Losing Control Yet Not Giving Up

How will this go? How do things play out from here? What happens next?

I don't have the answers to any of those questions right now. I'm sure the answers will become apparent at some point, but we're not there yet.

I do see changes in my body. I'm not as strong as I was a few weeks ago, or a few weeks before that. I need more help doing some things.

Getting out of a certain chair, for instance. I used to get in and out of it without really thinking. Well, those days are over. I need to plan ahead if I can, make sure there's someone else around to help lift me up onto my feet.

It's just another little loss of control. A loss of freedom that the cancer has caused. And I hate it.

It scares me, too. How far will it go? How much of my strength will the cancer steal? Will I end up bed-ridden?

And always, in the back of my mind is the fear of falling again. I don't think I'll ever forget what that was like. Falling and not being able to get back up. Even though it happened months ago, the memory is still fresh.

On the other hand, I have to keep going. I have to move around, go from chair to chair. I'm not bed-ridden now, and I can't let myself give up.

So as it gets harder and harder to do the same things, I think all I can do is work a little harder to do them.

And make the cancer work harder to try and stop me.