NPR logo Sandwich Monday: Little Caesars' Bacon-Wrapped Crust Pizza

Sandwich Monday

Sandwich Monday: Little Caesars' Bacon-Wrapped Crust Pizza

The Bacon Wrapped Crust Pizza, which until now existed only in a shared dream we all had one night. Little Caesars hide caption

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Little Caesars

The Bacon Wrapped Crust Pizza, which until now existed only in a shared dream we all had one night.

Little Caesars

Once, long ago, pizza was a wide, untouched landscape. Then we put toppings in the middle. But as overpopulation took hold, we were forced to colonize the last bits of protected land — building subterranean cheese tunnels in the crust. And now, finally, Little Caesars has covered the crust in bacon.

We had to look pretty hard to find the bacon. NPR hide caption

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We had to look pretty hard to find the bacon.

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Eva: Poor regular crust. It's like Michael Keaton last night when the younger, cuter guy won.

Peter: They say they make it in two rectangular pieces so it can have "eight corners." Why not just an octagonal pizza?

Miles: This is Little Caesars' way of making the pizza's corners child-safe.

Initially disappointed by the lack of bacon, Robert's mouth forgot about all that when it got to the pepperoni. NPR hide caption

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Initially disappointed by the lack of bacon, Robert's mouth forgot about all that when it got to the pepperoni.

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Eleanor: I'd say they're using the term "bacon" fairly loosely. Also, "pizza."

Peter: It would be sad if the pepperoni put out bacon walls to protect themselves and died anyway.

Mike: There was a fourth little pig who built his house with bacon. It was obviously a terrible idea. That's why no one talks about it.

The pizza wears unnecessary bacon; Mike wears an unnecessary scarf. NPR hide caption

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The pizza wears unnecessary bacon; Mike wears an unnecessary scarf.

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Miles: My mom used to tell me that the crusts were the healthiest part of the pizza. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MOM?

Mike: This cold snap is affecting everyone. Even the pizza is like, better put on my bacon coat.

Ian: How is he not Big Caesar by now?

(The verdict: Look, it's nothing new to complain that fast food doesn't look like it does in the ads, but there is barely any bacon around this crust. That said, it's still a deliciously greasy pizza, and people visiting here from the past would probably think it's weird that I'm disappointed that there's too little bacon in my pizza crust.)

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!