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For Your Enjoyment: Girl Raised By CNN Anchor Lived 'Among The Wolf'

Believe it or not, this job isn't glamorous.

Frank and I sit in cubicles, facing two computer screens. We have an unobstructed view of Massachusetts Ave., NW, and a parking lot. We're tethered to our chairs. We wear headphones. For entertainment, we watch songbirds land on a flagpole outside.

Each of us has a small TV, which we use to watch FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, and sports, variously.

As you might imagine, we're familiar with most of the cable news personalities, including Megyn Kelly, Andrea Mitchell and Wolf Blitzer.

How would I describe Blitzer? Stone serious, with an uninflected way of speaking. Cool as a cucumber in his Situation Room, effortlessly moving from sit-down interview table to stand-up interview table, always sure which camera he's supposed to look at, ever willing to indulge the curmudgeonly Jack Cafferty.

Those songbirds I mentioned — the ones that land on the flagpole outside — aren't anywhere to be found today, so I looked elsewhere for levity. The Onion didn't disappoint.

A girl, purportedly raised by Wolf Blitzer, is a guest on Today Now!, with Dr. Kenneth Ives, a developmental psychologist.

"Molly" — "half human, half Wolf Blitzer" — has been taken into protective custody.

"The only way she knows how to communicate is through Wolf Blitzer's colorless monotone," Ives tells us. She has been weened on Altoids and lattes. "Molly" cleans herself with a lint roller.