A weekend installment of the online play-at-home news quiz.
1.) President Obama announced a new tax plan this week, including a clause he called ... what?
A. The Little Miss Muffet Rule
B. The Warren Buffett Rule
C. The Unlimited Dessert Buffet rule
D. The Jimmy Buffett Rule
2.) Denying that he was staging a political stunt, the President gave a speech touting his jobs plan ... where?
A. In front of a dilapidated bridge linking Mitch McConnell's home state with John Boehner's home state
B. In a circus tent, surrounded by lions wearing signs reading "GOP"
C. While on the elliptical
D. On an aircraft carrier in front of a banner reading "Mission A-Jobs-lished!"
3.) Netflix announced this week that they were spinning off their DVD by mail business to a new company called "Qwikster." They immediately ran into a problem ... what?
A. Nestle, the maker of Quik brand chocolate milk, immediately sued them for diluting the value of their brand.
B. "The Qwikster" is stevedore slang for an illicit act involving a canoe, a bald eagle, and 50 pounds of sour cream and onion dip
C. "Qwikster" is the Twitter handle for a pot-smoking, girl-watching, very profane young man
D. All tech companies ending in "—ster," from Blockbuster to Friendster, are a priori doomed
4.) Representative John Fleming, Republican of Lousiana and a self described "small business owner," said he would be hurt by the President's proposed tax increases because for all his success, he only has $200,000 every year to do what?
A. Sponsor his struggling NASCAR team
B. Care for the animals in his private zoo
C. Make it rain
D. Feed his family
5.) A new bank opened this week in Florida, the first bank in the nation that accepts deposits of what?
A. Fat from your liposuction procedure, to save for use
C. Florida's own "Gator Buxx" currency
D. Those really big novelty award checks
6.) Microsoft recently polled users to find out what they don't like about Microsoft, and found many hated getting the dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" when their computers crashed. So they fixed this problem, how?
A. They made those people "disappear."
B. They renamed it the Zune Screen of Death.
C. They made a much nicer looking Blue Screen of Death.
D. They updated their software so that it works.
7.) Starbucks is celebrating its 40th anniversary with a new line of merchandise. Among the items is an $85 T-shirt by designer Alexander Wang that makes you look like ... what?
A. A human-sized coffee bean.
B. You spilled coffee on yourself.
C. The type of person who spends nearly $100 on a T-shirt.
D. A barista
8.) A new International House of Pancakes is opening in the East Village in New York, and naturally, there's a lot of excitement. But along with the traditional IHOP amenities, this one's going to have what?
A. A Bouncer
B. The "Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Giuliani Breakfast"
C. A Sushi bar
D. A UN Representative
9.) Climate experts in the Northeast are blaming bad weather for a worrying shortage of what this fall?
A. Tan lines
C. Good weather
D. Outdoor bat mitzvahs
10.) According to a study published in the journal Reproductive Psychology, the secret to success in pop songwriting is to include what?
A. A dream ballet
B. "Reproductive messages"
C. A drum solo no shorter than three minutes
D. References to "Star Wars"
1.) Answer, B: The Warren Buffett Rule. The Warren Buffett Rule, ie: that no billionaire should pay taxes at a lower rate than his or her secretary. It also requires all Americans with an annual income over $1 million to move to Omaha and dispense folksy investment wisdom.
2.) Answer, A: In front of a dilapidated bridge linking Mitch McConnell's home state with John Boehner's home state. The White House insisted that the location of the speech was just a "coincidence," but if wasn't a stunt, why did aides set the bridge on fire, right before the president jumped over it on a motorcycle?
3.) Answer, C: "Qwikster" is the Twitter handle for a pot-smoking, girl-watching, very profane young man. Mr. Castillo likes to tweet about girls and soccer and the travails of daily life, such as: "I just got scared I went into the shower turned on the water n then stuff started falling I was lik omg wtf lol." Given Netflix's PR disasters of late, association with Mr. Castillo can only help the brand.
4.) Answer, D: Feed his family. He said out of his annual income of $600,000, he has only $400,000 to reinvest in his business, after he feeds his family. How do spend $200,000 on feeding a wife and four adult children? It's because of the cherished Fleming family recipe for Stuffed Lamborghini.
5.) Answer, A: Fat from your liposuction procedure, to save for use. The Liquid Gold Center can keep the fat you have removed from your hips during liposuction until you need it injected into our lips. Opening our first Fat Bank may pave the way to the day when we base our currency on something we have in abundance.
6.) Answer, C: They made a much nicer looking Blue Screen of Death: Anybody who's ever used a Microsoft product has seen the blue screen with the message: FATAL EXCEPTION HAS OCCURRED – PLEASE RESTART. It's still there, but it's a kindler, gentler message of failure, with a sad face emoticon and the message: "Your PC ran into a problem it couldn't handle, and now it needs to restart." By the way, the reason your PC can't "handle" it is because of its fraught relationship with its motherboard.
7.) Answer, B*: You spilled coffee on yourself. (*Would also except C.) Designer Alexander Wang's new Starbucks T-shirt features a brown design made to look like spilled coffee. While $85 sounds like a lot for a T-shirt, you did just spend $9 for a cup of coffee.
8.) Answer, A: A Bouncer. The IHOP bouncer will stand guard all night to keep drunk partiers in check and only let in those who fit the distinct International IHOP style ... I'm sorry, sir, but unless you look like you're about to vomit on yourself, I can't let you in."
9.) Answer, B: Pumpkins. Farmers blame the pumpkin shortage on Hurricane Irene. Thankfully, House leader John Boehner has heroically agreed to step in as our National Jack-O-Lantern.
10.) Answer, B: "Reproductive messages". The key to making a hit pop song, according to scientists, is to fill it with sex ... or as they put it, "reproductive messages." It's true — look back through the greatest hits of all time and they're filled with songs like The Stone's "Satisfaction" or The Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Boobs."