1.) Herman Cain, besieged by stories detailing complaints of sexual harassment in the 1990s, defended himself by saying what?
A) "What I meant was, 'I only want cheese on my pizza.' What she heard was, 'hold the sausage.'"
B) "I enjoy flowers, like everybody else."
C) "I'm sure when I remember what happened, I will remember nothing happened."
D) "If unwelcome sexual advances made by an employer or superior is 'sexual harassment,' then fine, it was sexual harassment."
2.) According to an analysis in the New York Times, President Obama had a rare advantage at this week's G-20 summit ... what?
A) As the tallest of the world leaders, he had a psychological edge over them.
B) He could donate his book royalties to the Greek bailout.
C) Nobody expects the bankrupt United States to actually be able to do anything.
D) People pretend to listen to the President just so they can meet his wife.
3.) Reality star Kim Kardashian, by some calculations, was paid more than $2000 an hour for doing what?
A) Being married to a NBA star
B) Endorsing Krispy Kreme, with Kris Kristofferson
C) Performing a complicated quadruple bypass operation
D) Foxy Boxing
4.) As former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman made the talk show rounds, trying to revive his struggling presidential campaign, critics noted what?
A) Like Rep. Ron Paul, he seems to have fake eyebrows.
B) His "fluent Mandarin Chinese" isn't all that fluent.
C) He's wearing white after Labor Day.
D) He has a piece of lettuce stuck in his teeth.
5.) The European financial crisis has struck Italy hard, forcing Prime Minister Berlusconi to do what?
A) Use coupons when visiting prostitutes
B) Actually show up at his office
C) Accept the title "Sub-Prime Minister"
D) Delay the release of his next album
6.) Following a speech given in New Hampshire last week, Rick Perry had to deny that he was what?
B) Endorsing President Obama
C) Wishing he were back in Texas
D) Wearing eye makeup
7.) There was outrage at the Colorado State Fair this week after one participant tested positive for a banned substance ... who?
A) The mummy at the haunted house was taking scare-oids.
B) The butter sculpture was sculpted with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
C) The champion goat was taking PEDS.
D) Sebastian the Rodeo Clown was taking scare-oids.
8.) Prominent research psychologist Professor Diederik Stapel — known for his wacky scientific studies — is facing a lot of heat this week after a flaw was discovered in his work, what?
A) He had been pronouncing the "p" in "psychology" his entire career.
B) He made it all up.
C) It was all based on personal experience.
D) He got the answers from his dreams.
9.) Contrary to popular, sexist stereotypes, a UK poll found men are more into what than women?
A) Stackable washing machine and dryer units
B) Ryan Gosling
C) The WNBA
10.) Scientists have come up with a clever way to perk up American troops on the job, what?
A) Caffeinated beef jerky
B) A toy prize at the bottom of their MREs
C) Beer on the battlefield
D) Tickle Me M-16s
11.) According to researchers at the University of Texas, doctors performing colonoscopies are better able to find and remove harmful polyps if they ... what?
A) Think like a polyp
B) Aren't grossed out by the procedure
C) Are listening to Mozart in the operating room
D) Know what a polyp looks like
12.) A plan by two managers of a Domino's Pizza in Florida to improve business backfired when they were arrested for doing what?
A) Stuffing pizza crusts with heroin
B) Kidnapping people off the street and forcing them to eat at Domino's
C) Charging $500 a pizza
D) Burning down a Papa John's
1.) Answer, B: "I enjoy flowers, like everybody else." We're not sure what he meant by the flowers comment, but we're expecting sources to come forward saying he texted them photos of his stamen.
2.) Answer, C: Nobody expects the bankrupt United States to actually be able to do anything. Since the U.S. is out of money and politically dysfunctional, nobody expected Mr. Obama to actually contribute to any solution, so he was able to spend the summit throwing parties in his hotel suite.
3.) Answer, A: Being married to a NBA star. Ms. Kardashian reaped around $18 million in income and sponsorships for her August wedding to NBA player Kris Humphries, and remained married to him for 72 days. Thus, about $2000 for each hour of wedded bliss. Noting the remarkable return on that investment, the nation of Greece immediately proposed.
4.) Answer, B: His "fluent Mandarin Chinese" isn't all that fluent. On the Colbert Report, Gov. Huntsman demonstrated his fluent Chinese skills by asking Mr. Colbert to be his running mate, in Mandarin. But Chinese speakers translated his remarks as, "I Really Want You To Do My Vice-America President." In related news, it turns out instead of being governor of Utah, Mr. Huntsman was just the manager of a Hooters.
5.) Answer, D: Delay the release of his next album. Mr. Berlusconi's fourth album of original songs was supposed to be released last year, but he's had to delay it, due to his country's financial troubles, and his being charged with various sex crimes. He says he still plans for his band Bunga Bunga to open for Chumbawumba in 2012.
6.) Answer, A: Drunk. Perry's speech in Manchester, N.H., led many in the media to question whether he had a shot of courage before addressing the crowd. The group that hosted the event insisted that the Governor was merely "animated," as in, "that guy is falling down animated."
7.) Answer, C: The champion goat was taking PEDS. Theodore the Goat has been banned from future competition after a urine test turned up a muscle growth drug. So if you're feeling down: keep in mind there's such a job as goat urine tester, and you don't have it.
8.) Answer, B: He made it all up. Professor Stapel was unmasked by his own graduate students, who got curious about where he got the raw data he was providing them with. Their answer? From under the back of his lab coat. Stapel apologized, and said he was ashamed of his actions, but explained studies show 95 percent of men in prestigious, well-paid academic jobs start making stuff up.
9.) Answer, D: Cuddles. A third of British women say they "can't bear" cuddling. Seventy-seven percent of women admit to engaging in what's called the "hug and roll" — wherein they cuddle their partner until he falls asleep and then immediately roll over. While this seems mean, it's nicer than what some men report experiencing, the "hug and run screaming."
10.) Answer, A: Caffeinated beef jerky. Scientists at an Army lab have created a new beef jerky stick that contains as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, to quote "give even the sleepiest soldier that up and at em boost." Always on the cutting edge, Starbucks will soon release the Frothy Beefachino.
11.) Answer, C: Are listening to Mozart in the operating room. Scientists say that listening to Mozart helps doctors perform better colonoscopies. Apparently it has something to do with improving their ability to navigate spatial patterns and find more polyps in the large intestine. Especially his famous compositions, "La Colon di Figaro" and "Eine Kleine Buttmusik."
12.) Answer, D: Burning down a Papa John's. Seems smart enough — when business is struggling, eliminate the competition so people have no choice but to eat your pizza. So when a Florida Papa John's burned to the ground last week, police immediately traced the fire to two young managers at a nearby Dominos — who claimed they were only trying to increase profits and win the coveted "arsonist of the month" award.