1.) During Wednesday's GOP debate, Gov. Rick Perry famously couldn't remember the third of the three Cabinet agencies he wanted to abolish. According to a brain expert consulted by The New York Times, Governor Perry might have been fatally distracted by what?
A) The realization that there's a food called chicken and an animal called chicken.
B) A sidelong glance at Rep. Ron Paul
C) Jon Huntsman's hypnotic sequins
D) Too tight cowboy boots
2.) During the same debate, Herman Cain offered a remarkable defense against the multiple accusations of sexual harassment against him. What?
A) Because there were so many, they canceled each other out.
B) The acts in question were committed by his stunt double.
C) For every woman claiming to be harassed by him, there were thousands he didn't harass.
D) Powerful Democrats used a time machine to send two women back 15 years to derail his campaign, just like in The Terminator.
3.) The White House, for the first time, issued an official statement denying what?
A) That in daylight conditions it's actually more of an "Off-White House."
B) That we have been contacted by aliens.
C) There's such a thing as the "Lincoln Boom Boom Room."
D) That President Obama works out to Olivia Newton John's "Physical"
4.) After years of asking subway riders to be patient because of service delays, malfunctioning trains, or maintenance work, New York's MTA has decided to make what change?
A) Making its subways much more efficient, clean and easy to use
B) Just telling people to get a taxi if they're in that much of a hurry.
C) Every New Yorker gets their personal subway car.
D) It will stop asking people to be patient.
5.) A Canadian paint company, trying to expand its market, has introduced what new industry innovation?
A) Paint TV: Where Watching Paint Dry Is Fun!
B) Manlier names for paint colors
C) Pre-painted, easy install walls
D) Flavored wall paint, safe for licking
6.) After enduring years of unemployment and urban blight, this week the citizens of Detroit banded together in droves to keep what out of their city?
A) Economic progress
B) The band Nickelback
7.) Despite the terrible job market, CBS reports many college graduates are rejecting jobs that don't offer what?
B) Casual Fridays
C) Time to check Facebook
D) Nap time
8.) According to officials at Berlin's Ostwall Museum, a $1 million art installation was ruined when what happened?
A) It got a parking ticket.
B) A dog ate it.
C) It hatched
D) A cleaning lady mopped it up.
9.) According to reports out this week, next year will witness the end of what?
A) The CD
B) The McRib
C) People making "there's an app for that" jokes
D) Cat videos
10.) Scientists in Germany have determined once and for all that if your partner is losing weight, he or she is planning to do what?
A) Buy smaller clothes
B) Dump you
C) Swallow a turkey
D) Enter a lower weight class at the next wrestling tournament
11.) In an attempt to broaden their appeal, companies in a certain niche market are trying to make what look chic?
B) Tim Allen sitcoms
D) Beekeeping suits
1.) Answer, B: A sidelong glance at Rep. Ron Paul. This explains why he said, "The Department of Education, the Department of Commerce and the Department of My God You're a Beautiful Man."
2.) Answer, C: For every woman claiming to be harassed by him, there were thousands he didn't harass. He said, "For every one person that comes forward with a false accusation, there are probably thousands who will say that none of that sort of activity ever came from Herman Cain." Said in another way: of the three and a half billion women in the world, there are probably thousands who will say that none of that sort of activity came from Herman Cain.
3.) Answer, B: That we have been contacted by aliens. The denial of any evidence of alien life in secret government archives was the second response to a new online petition program; the first stated that no, the Administration would not legalize marijuana. The program is being run by the White House Office of Disappointment.
4.) Answer, D: It will stop asking people to be patient. New Yorkers can handle delays, stoppages and other inconveniences but ask them to be patient and they try to disembowel the disembodied voice. Instead, pre-recorded announcements will apologize for inconveniences, as well as for how the subway smells and the fact that most of the pizza near Times Square is terrible.
5.) Answer, B: Manlier names for paint colors. CIL Paints rebranded its existing paints with new names meant to appeal to men. For example, "Fairytale Green" is now "Mo Money;" "Butterscotch" is now "Beer Time" and "Candy Cain Red" is called "Herman Cain Just Propositioned Me Red."
6.) Answer, B: The band Nickelback. More than 50,000 Detroiters signed a petition demanding the band be uninvited from playing the halftime show at the Lions Thanksgiving Day game. Residents fear that instead of associating Detroit with rampant crime and corruption, the city will instead be associated with something far worse: Nickelback.
7.) Answer, C: Time to check Facebook. Forty five percent of young employees are demanding not only two weeks of vacation, but also two weeks of looking at other people's crappy vacation photos.
8.) Answer, D: A cleaning lady mopped it up. A key component of "When it Starts Dripping from the Ceiling" is the fake puddle of water on the floor. Unfortunately, it looked so real, it fooled the janitor. Museum officials now believe they've found the culprit responsible for sabotaging another recent installation "When the toilet overflowed."
9.) Answer, A: The CD. Just as the Mayans predicted, the major record labels will stop making CDs in 2012. That's just 10 years after people stopped buying them!
10.) Answer, B: Dump you. Science has confirmed people looking for dates slim down, while people happy in their relationship tend to put on weight. So the next time your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress, the best response is: I sure hope so.
11.) Answer, A: Walkers. Nothing says cool and with it quite like a device intended to keep you from falling over. Which is why, according to The Wall Street Journal, several companies have starting selling walkers in a variety of hip colors and styles. Just the thing when you're behind the velvet rope, waiting to get into the club at 4 p.m.