1.) Much of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit last summer because he decided to take a cruise in the Greek islands instead of campaigning. Mr. Gingrich said he made the right decision though ... why?
A) It allowed him to add the extra weight he'll need to survive the lean months of winter campaigning.
B) "No Republican candidate has ever won the Iowa caucuses without a deep, bronze tan."
C) Cruising the Aegean Sea gave him insights into the Greek economic crisis.
D) New campaign slogan; Newt: The Gyro America Needs
2.) In an effort to improve business and public perception, who has launched their first ever marketing campaign?
A) The United States of America
B) Billionaire hedge fund managers
C) American Association of Meth Cookers
3.) Despite their policy of leaderless "pure democracy" the Occupy Denver protesters elected a leader this week ... who?
A) Cody Bromkin, inventor of the Denver Omelette
B) A Border Collie
C) Mitt Romney
D) A bongo named Drummy
4.) A bill in the House of Representatives would declare with the force of Federal law that ... what?
A) Timothy Dalton was underrated as James Bond.
B) Crying at public events is actually quite manly.
C) Pizza is a vegetable.
D) Demi and Ashton should at least try counseling.
5.) The NYPD set up an elaborate sting operation which involved one of their officers going undercover as a barber to gather information. The operation failed, though, why?
A) He wore his uniform to work every day.
B) He gave terrible haircuts.
C) A technique he called "good comb, bad comb."
D) Customers found it suspicious when he asked "how do you like it cut, and tell me about some crimes."
6.) Fans of Ayn Rand celebrate her virtues of selfishness and greed. So they were distraught when they went to buy DVDs of the movie adaptation of her novel, Atlas Shrugged, and saw it advertised as a story of what?
B) Farm animals overthrowing the farmer
C) A poodle, on the adventure of a lifetime
7.) The mayor of West Valley City, Utah was tired of reading negative stories about his town in the newspaper. So, he decided to do what?
A) Stop reading all together
B) Make the town better
C) Write glowing articles about the town using a fake name
D) Secretly change the name of his town
8.) Vladimir Putin is running for president of Russia once again and in order to make his case to young people, his new campaign ad suggests voting for Putin is like what?
A) Voting for Jesus
B) Having sex in the voting booth.
C) Seeing Star Wars for the first time
D) A warm summer breeze
9.) Researchers in Japan have finally found a cure for chronic snoring, what?
A) The Fukushima Sleep Number bed
B) Separate bedrooms
C) A giant robot bear that turns you over in your sleep
D) Smotherless pillows
1.) Answer, C: Cruising the Aegean Sea gave him insights into the Greek economic crisis. He told MSNBC, "An observation strategically about where we are ... was very much influenced when I visited Greece in June." For example, he predicted the coming default because the shrimps in the Make Your Own Shrimp Cocktail buffet were slightly less than jumbo size.
2.) Answer, A: The United States of America. Via the new, public/private Corporation for Travel Promotion, the USA has a new logo and a slogan to attract tourists: "The United States of Awesome Possibilities." Runners up include "The USA: Why Not Invade Us for a Change?"
3.) Answer, B: A Border Collie. When police descended on the camp, all they had to do was throw a stick and Shelby led her followers out of the park after it.
4.) Answer, C: Pizza is a vegetable. The bill is an attempt to roll back Department of Agriculture rules requiring school lunches be actually nutritious. Also under the bill, milk shakes count as exercise.
5.) Answer, B: He gave terrible haircuts. This was the plan: an undercover officer would set up a haircutting station, and other undercover officers would get haircuts, and collect evidence about a suspected drug ring. But it's tough to be inconspicuous when you have a bad habit of shooting off customer's split ends with your service revolver.
6.) Answer, A: Self-sacrifice. For those who know and love the work of the libertarian philosopher Ayn Rand, calling her message one of self sacrifice is like saying the work of Hugh Hefner promotes chastity. So the producers have recalled 100,000 DVDs and they're changing "self-sacrifice" to "self-interest." Ahhhh, much greedier.
7.) Answer, C: Write glowing articles about the town using a fake name. Mayor Mike Winder fought back by becoming Richard Burwash, West Valley City's Good News Reporter! This happens a lot ... just this week the New York Times ran a glowing story on the midnight raid of the Occupy Wall Street camp written by someone named Blike Moomberg.
8.) Answer, B: Having sex in the voting booth. The ad features a beautiful woman tugging a young man into the polling booth. Once inside, she pulls a lever effectively putting Putin on the way to his third term and herself to her first trimester.
9.) Answer, C: A giant robot bear that turns you over in your sleep. The giant, ferocious robot bear comes equipped with a built-in microphone that picks up snoring in the night. If you get too noisy, it reaches over and flips you over. So the good news is, you never have to worry about your husband snoring again, the bad news is, it's because a robot bear tore him in half.