"I auditioned for The Lion King 20 times in 15 years, until they finally told me, 'You are not passing as a straight giraffe.'" - Titus Andromedon, the character Tituss Burgess plays in the new show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
"Eventually I learned to modulate [my rants] a little. Build some peaks and valleys. And now that I give them more valleys, and don't yell as much, they go, 'He got tired.' Idiots." - Lewis Black
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