Imagining Barry Bond's Record-Breaking Moment

Satirists Bruce Kluger and David Slavin take aim at slugger Barry Bonds. They illustrate a scenario in which Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's home-run record, but the crowd doesn't care.

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MELISSA BLOCK, host:

We just heard mention of Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants. He is just seven homeruns away from topping baseball legend Hank Aaron's lifetime total of 755. That record stood untouched for more than three decades.

Normally, this kind of milestone would elicit giddy anticipation among baseball fans. But ongoing allegations of steroid use continue to dog Bonds, and observers wonder just what kind of celebration Bonds will or won't receive.

Well, satirist Bruce Kluger and David Slavin have an idea.

(Soundbite of a baseball game)

Mr. BRUCE KLUGER (Satirist): (As Ken Johnson) Welcome back sports fans. I'm Ken Johnson.

Mr. DAVID SLAVIN (Satirist): (As Joe Neely) And I'm Joe Neely.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) And we're awaiting what could be an historic moment in baseball history. Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants needs just one homerun to break Hank Aaron's Major League record of 755. This crowd is on the edge of their seats, wouldn't you say, Joe?

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Oh, you bet, Ken. There must be almost 4,500 people here tonight. You can feel the excitement in the stand.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) The man of the hour, Barry Bonds, steps up to the plate. He digs in, and he's ready. And the pitch. Fastball in there for strike one. Barry calls for time, removes his batting helmet, wipes his unusually large head.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) That looks like he's using a beach towel, Ken.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Okay. Bonds back into the batter's box. Rodriguez peers and kicks and deals. It's a well-hit fly ball, deep to right.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) This could be it.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) And it is gone.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Oh, baby.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) He did it.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Oh, baby.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Barry Bonds has hit his 756th homerun. Just listen to this crowd.

(Soundbite of cricket chirping)

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Barry rounds first, touches second, steps on third and he's heading for home.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Doesn't look like anyone is actually at home plate to greet him, Ken. Obviously, his teammates have graciously decided to let Barry have this moment all to himself.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Baseball has a new homerun king, Barry Bonds. The game has been stopped and a short on-field ceremony is about to begin. As we told you earlier, baseball commissioner Bud Selig will be unable to attend tonight's festivities. He has to be home. He's waiting for the cable guy.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Those appointments are hard to schedule, Ken.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) And how.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) But he sent a big star to take his place on the field tonight. 2006 Tour de France champion Floyd Landis. Oh, listen to the hands Floyd gets in this crowd.

(Soundbite of cricket chirping)

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Floyd will be presenting Barry with the 2008 Pontiac G6 courtesy of General — wait, I've just been handed a note. General Motors will not be participating in tonight's ceremony, instead Barry will receive a brand new, five-speed bicycle from the good folks at Schwinn.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Ken, the bike people don't want their name used either.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) And what a beauty it is.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) Black and orange tassels on the handlebars. It's even got a little bell. Oh, Barry looks stunned. He seems to be yelling something at the Schwinn…

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) Bike representative.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe)…bike representative. We don't have a mic on the field, but it looks like he's saying thank you.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) But that's not all, Joe. Barry will also be getting a phone call from the President of the — correction, I'm now being told he'll be getting a hand-delivered letter from a congressional committee.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) That's good too.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) It must be a note of congratulations for a job well done.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) It's just too bad the crowd won't be able to see it, though. Ken. They're already filing out of the stadium in droves, probably just too emotional for them.

Mr. KLUGER: (As Ken) No doubt. Well, it's in the history books, ladies and gentlemen. Barry Bonds is your new homerun champ. And we'll be right back after this message from Honey Nut Balcows(ph), the real breakfast of champions. What a night.

Mr. SLAVIN: (As Joe) What a game.

(Soundbite of cricket chirping)

BLOCK: Satirist Bruce Kluger and David Slavin with Joe Narcisso (ph).

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