Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time?

Carl reads three quotes from the week's news. This week: trouble at the top of the RNC, the Second Coming (of the iPhone), and a Tiger stalks again.

Copyright © 2010 NPR. For personal, noncommercial use only. See Terms of Use. For other uses, prior permission required.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you, everybody.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Glad to be back with you. We got a great show for you today. We're very excited about our guests this week. Two original members of the Village People will be with us. That's Felipe Rose and David Hodo. And before you ask, that's the Indian and the construction worker.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They're still playing, but the band has been updated for the new millennium, so now those two are now joined by the IT guy, the life coach and the octomom.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, give us a call. The number: 1-888-Wait Wait. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

M: Hi, this is Gretchen from Bend, Oregon.

SAGAL: Hey, Gretchen, how are things in Bend?

M: Wonderful.

SAGAL: I've heard it's a beautiful place out there.

M: It is gorgeous, but don't tell anybody.

SAGAL: Believe me, you mentioned it in our show, no one will ever know.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Gretchen, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a writer for HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber is here.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hello, Adam.

M: Hello, Gretchen.

SAGAL: Next, deputy editor and a blogger for the Houston Chronicle, Ms. Kyrie O'Connor.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey, Kyrie.

M: Hello, Gretchen.

SAGAL: And last, let me introduce you to the man behind the Too Beautiful To Live podcast, Mr. Luke Burbank.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey, Luke.

M: Hi, Gretchen.

SAGAL: Gretchen, welcome to the show. And now we're going to start you off with a new game this week. It's inspired by singer Ricky Martin's admission last week that he is, in fact, gay. So, we are calling this game...

KASELL: "Duh."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You see, it occurred to us how refreshing it would be if other people in the news finally admitted what is completely obvious to the rest of us. So we decided to do it for them.

Carl is going to give you three obvious confessions, which we made up, and you tell us what newsmaker is finally coming clean. Ready to play?

M: Sure.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first fake admission.

KASELL: A fundraiser at a high-priced, lesbian bondage nightclub?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

KASELL: Honestly, I'm as shocked as you are that I haven't been fired. What do I have to do?

SAGAL: Who was that?

M: Michael Steele?

SAGAL: Yes, Michael Steele. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Republican Party chairman is under siege a week after it was learned the GOP paid $2,000 to entertain donors at a high-priced, topless, bondage, lesbian nightclub.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Trying to defend, it they said, yes, they were there - but they weren't enjoying it. It was actually family values resistance training.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Toughening them up for the amorally harsh world out there. Says one young donor: I feel stronger now. I was able to withstand seven lap dances.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Another said, I wanted to see what America would be like if we allowed gay marriage. I didn't realize it would be so intriguing.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: That place is right near where I live.

SAGAL: Really?

M: I didn't know it was there. I never thought to follow the Republicans.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I know.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This train of chubby, wealthy, white people walking down the street. Where are they going?

M: They're probably going to Arby's or something.

SAGAL: I know.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: You know, I had no idea that they were going to this club that I didn't know existed.

SAGAL: It is in an Arby's, though.

M: Oh, it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's very secret, you go...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Aha.

SAGAL: You ask for the bacon, cheddar Montana.

M: Right.

M: And you go behind the curtain there.

SAGAL: The wall spins around, right?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Lap dance with horseradish sauce.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, he's trying to clean up his act, Michael Steele is. He has canceled some future scheduled fundraisers, including the one at Michael Vick's dog fighting ring.

M: Oh.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tattoo night with Jesse James.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this is sad because a lot of people had signed up - the hike on the Appalachian trail with Governor Mark Sanford, they're not going to do that.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next fake confession.

KASELL: I'll let you in on a little secret: It is just a big iPhone without the phone.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That, we imagine, was Steve Jobs - who was once again proved right when people lined up to buy what?

M: I have one in my hand, an iPad.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You do?

M: You know, Gretchen, I know that you want to brag but that means that you're looking at the Internet as we are asking you these questions.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

MS: Look, if you send it to me, I'll get you Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, it's amazing immediately we go from like, you know, posture of mockery to, ooh, you have one?

M: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Fans of the new device say it's just a little bit more expensive than other computers that do a lot more things.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But it has the advantage of being slightly more difficult to use. See, in a regular laptop, sending an email is no big deal. But on the iPad, it's a personal triumph over adversity.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: But it's like the cute guy in class, you know, it doesn't have to do anything, it just has to be cute.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And everybody wants it.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Everybody, yeah...

M: The other thing with these iPads is, they're like an iPhone in that they don't have a tactile keyboard...

SAGAL: Right.

M: So you're just pushing on this thing, and you're often not hitting the letter you intended. So then you get into this weird battle with Steve Jobs over if that's the word you wanted to use or not.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: So you might be saying, hey let's go get a beer, but it's like rutabaga?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: And there's a point where you're in such a hurry that you just end up having a rutabaga...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: ...because you don't want to go back and fix every single word.

SAGAL: And you're meeting with your friends at a farm stand, and you're not having a good time anymore.

M: Not at all. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

M: Well, that's how smart Steve Jobs is because he invested heavily in rutabagas before he even launched this thing.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right. Here's something we were wondering about: Every new technology, it takes a while to figure out how you can annoy people with it. So you have the automobile and a few years later, we had car horns and traffic. We have cell phones and pretty soon, people learned that they can like, talk on it in public and drive people crazy. So how are we going to annoy people with our iPads?

M: I think just showing up with one pretty much annoys everybody in the room.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really? Wearing a pair of jeans with like, the largest back pocket of all time.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: How about you can't, like, go to the movies and answer a phone with it, because it has no phone. But you can go to the movies and watch another movie.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: A better movie?

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You could choose in a dark restaurant to look at the restaurant's menu on your iPad...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...rather than looking at the actual, physical menu.

M: That would be annoying.

SAGAL: That would be tremendously annoying and probably very convenient.

M: That's great.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Gretchen, how do you like yours?

M: I love it very much.

SAGAL: What do you use it for that you couldn't do before?

M: Nothing.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next completely fabricated, obvious admission.

KASELL: You want to know the real reason I did that press conference to apologize to everyone right before the Masters? Somebody told me, chicks dig regret.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who was that?

M: That would have to be Tiger Woods.

SAGAL: Yes, Tiger Woods, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Woods made his return to golf this week at the Masters. He started this week with his first press conference since his accident, where he apologized many times for his many undescribed transgressions. He talked about he was trying to be a better person now, trying to present a friendlier image. It's true, he was seen for the first time this week smiling at other people who were not, at that moment, naked.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: You know, I think I speak for all of chickdom when I say that -

M: Which is usually my job, but you can take it tonight, Kyrie.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Thank you, Luke - when I say that, you know, chicks don't really dig cheating on your wife. That's not the kind of regret they dig.

SAGAL: Really?

M: You're not speaking for all of chickdom. You're speaking for the 50 percent of chickdom that didn't sleep with Tiger Woods.

SAGAL: Exactly.

M: I think it's more like 48 percent (unintelligible).

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The sad thing is, he got off to a great start at the tournament, shot an amazing first round, but then things went to heck because he had a breakdown and a relapse in the 14th tee and started chatting up the ball washer. He was like: So what do you do? Oh, really?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Gretchen do on our quiz?

KASELL: Gretchen, you are perfect. You had three correct answers, so you win our prize.

M: Yay, thank you.

SAGAL: Well done, Gretchen.

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Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!