Straight Off the Internet: An Iraq Report Preview

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Our humorist says he has purchased a secret draft of next month's Iraq progress report on Craigslist. We have strong doubts about its authenticity.


The Los Angeles Times says next month's report to Congress from General David Petraeus on U.S. military progress in Iraq is actually going to be written by the White House.

In today's Unger Report, humorist Brian Unger claims he's secretly obtained an early White House draft of that report. We doubt it.

BRIAN UNGER: While the White House would not claim authorship of the report, the guy who sold it to me on Craigslist says it's the real deal. It reads: Hey Congress, hope you had a great summer. Mine was awesome. Right off, I question the report's authenticity based on a smiley face emoticon and the use of the word awesome; that is so not Petraeus.

The report continues: Yo, Congress. Democracy has broken out everywhere over here. I mean, it's nuts. Iraqis can't stop being democratic. They're voting on everything. I was standing in line at Starbucks an hour ago and Iraqis took a show of hands on who would get the last venti soy caramel macchiato. I think a Sunni got it. It was beautiful, man.

So here's a quick lay of the land as I, General Petraeus, see it. Yesterday on my bicycle to the bake sale at the first Al Anbar Baptist Church - and by the way, if you haven't gone, run. They sell this amazing three-bean salad. They take legumes from Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds, they toss it in balsamic. Well, you talk about a surge - in your mouth.

It's evident the surge in troop levels has met our expectations. In fact, our guns for iPhone program has worked beautifully in the most violent neighborhoods in Baghdad. You can wear flip-flops everywhere, stroll the John McCain farmers market without an Uzi, and hear Sunnis and Shiites fighting over which is better, T-Mobile or AT&T.

I recently took Congressman Mike Pence of Indiana shopping. We were picking up chips and salsa. I was whipping up the Petraeus artichoke dip for a picnic at the Fallujah Sauerkraut Festival. Anyway, Congressman Pence was reminded of a Bargersville Indiana Flea Market. Lots of people, lots of booths, a friendly, relaxed atmosphere. He's right. Instead of a Kurd being poked with a stick, it's a cheese curd served on a stick, or a deep-fried Snickers on a stick. There's a lot of food on a stick all over Iraq. And if that ain't democracy, well, it sure sounds like the Wisconsin State Fair to me.

All of this sounds anecdotal, but ever since Steve Wynn opened casinos in the desert, Iraqis have an urgency to share oil revenues so everyone can have a seat at the poker table. Walk into any Hard Rock and you'll see an Iranian, Syrian, Shiite, Sunni and Kurd in a fierce game of Texas Hold 'Em. That's what I call political reconciliation. P.S. - that Maliki guy, he can really bluff.

So when can we start sending troops home for good? As soon as we can find a decent U.S. airline that won't cancel their flights back home. Now, this report is signed General David Petraeus, commander of the multinational force, Iraq. I am working diligently to confirm that the signature is in fact the general's.

And this report is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.

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