Connie Rice Commentary: How to Save Straight Marriage

Rice's other proposed laws or constitutional amendments, inspired by President Bush's proposed amendment outlawing gay marriage:

10. Fair Housework & Childcare Act — Requires married men to do at least half the housework and child rearing duties, or face being charged with a class-C felony.

9. 'Til Death Do Us Part Amendment — Outlaw divorce. Heterosexuals get divorced at the drop of a hat. It's the 50 percent divorce rate in the United States that’s the mortal threat to marriage, not gays and lesbians.

8. Scarlet Letter Amendment — All divorced persons will have a scarlet "D" tattooed on their foreheads, which can be removed only upon permanent re-marriage to their original spouse.

7. Serial Marriage Crime Act — Divorced persons who remarry and fail to stay married are subject to the category 63 mandatory minimum sentencing guideline: life in prison.

6. Gold Digger Prevention Act (AKA the "Bling-Bling Ban") — All women selecting husbands solely by an accumulated assets index shall forfeit all claim to their mates' wealth and be forced to take a vow of poverty.

5. In-Law Limitation Act — In-laws can only visit their heterosexually married children once a year.

4. Mistress and Intern Prohibition Act (AKA the Condit, Clinton, Gingrich, Hyde and Livingston Act) — Do what the Seventh Commandment says. You want to promote the sanctity of marriage? Outlaw extramarital affairs. Also, no members of Congress who have had flings can vote on this act when it comes to a vote — it'll be a short roll call.

3. Marital Security Act — Put LoJack locator devices or electronic bracelets on all husbands who travel to play basketball, attend other business meetings or just leave the house on weekends.

2. Desecration of Marriage Act (AKA the Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Swaggert Prevention Act) — All heterosexual persons who make a mockery of marriage with absurd behavior shall be subject to mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines for category 37: 30 years imprisonment.

1. Leave No Child Unborn Act — To encourage the real purpose of marriage — which according to President Bush is to provide stability for raising children — birth control will be outlawed for married couples, who henceforth will be required to produce progeny within the first five years of marriage... or explain to Karl Rove why there's no children.

Bonus:

Procreation Facilitation Act — All married mens' prescriptions for Viagra will be tax deductible.

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