What News, Scandals May Come to Pass in '08?

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LIANE HANSEN, host:

Last week, we called political satirist Andy Borowitz to ask if he wanted to write a year-end rap for the program. He didn't. Instead, he said he preferred to use all his powers of prognostication to predict next year's news month by month. So, tadaa, here's what's going to happen in 2008 according to Andy Borowitz.

ANDY BOROWITZ: January: After paying $5 billion for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding video tapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers' strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second "Transformers" film without a script - just like they did with the first one. In other entertainment news, ABC will score big ratings with its new reality show "Trading Medications."

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for president of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, it worked before.

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from Army Strong to I can't believe it's not a civil war.

And in business new, the stock market will plummet on the revelation that President Bush took out a subprime mortgage on the White House.

June: Population experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008 largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name Delicious Cupcakes.

August: Senator Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs explaining I can't even remember what I did last night.

Meanwhile, President Bush will refuse to set a timetable for leaving his ranch in Crawford, saying it would send a dangerous message to the enemy.

September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it's easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the $5-billion cost of his campaign, arguing Rupert Murdoch paid that much for the Wall Street Journal and I get a whole country.

And December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The president will withdraw all U.S. troops through Iran.

HANSEN: Andy Borowitz writes a humor column at BorowitzReport.com.

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