Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: The Return of Client No. 9, Safety Ninjas of the Sky, and We're No. 2!

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much. We've got a great show for you today. Later on, we'll be joined by Gillian Flynn, a very nice woman who wrote a very disturbing book, the best-selling thriller, "Gone Girl." But first I think I speak for everyone when I say, Carl, it is great to have you back.

KASELL: Good to be back, Peter. I was...

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF CHEERING)

SAGAL: It's great to have you. Am I right? Now, Carl, we told everybody that you were feeling under the weather, like you told us to, but can you tell now where you really were the last few weeks?

KASELL: Just wanted to work on my solo project, Peter. I've always thought of us like Simon and Garfunkel. By the way, you're Garfunkel.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I know that, Carl, I've known that the whole time. Well, welcome back. And we're happy to hear from you too. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener/contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

CARRIE HAMILTON: Hi, this is Carrie.

SAGAL: Hello, Carrie.

HAMILTON: I'm from Dallas, although I'm calling tonight from Brigham City, Utah.

SAGAL: Brigham City, Utah.

HAMILTON: Yes, it's a little town.

SAGAL: Why are you in Brigham City, Utah?

HAMILTON: I grew up here, and so I'm visiting my parents.

KASELL: Really? And how are they?

HAMILTON: They're pretty good.

(LAUGHTER)

HAMILTON: They are thrilled to have their grandkids here.

SAGAL: Oh, I bet they are. Well, welcome to the show, Carrie. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who'll be performing at the Canyon Club in Agoura Hills, California on August 23, Maz Jobrani is here.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the syndicated advice column "Ask Amy," that's Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY DICKINSON: Hi, Carrie.

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian who'll be performing at the Chautauqua Auditorium up in the hill in Boulder, Colorado on August 3rd, it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Carrie.

HAMILTON: Can I please say welcome back to Carl?

SAGAL: You may.

HAMILTON: We missed him.

KASELL: Well, I missed being here.

SAGAL: You just, this whole thing was just to make us want you more, isn't it? You played hard to get, and you wanted to make sure we didn't take you for granted.

KASELL: It was well-planned, wasn't it?

SAGAL: It was.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, this is great because you get to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell, back in the saddle, is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice, and his voice only, on your home answering device, whatever it may be. Are you ready to go?

HAMILTON: I am.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: Here We Ho Again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was the headline Monday on the New York Post after who announced a return to politics?

HAMILTON: Is it Eliot Spitzer?

SAGAL: It was Eliot Spitzer.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: For those who can't find their, you know, Complete Illustrated Concordance to Sex Scandals, this is not the guy who tweeted pictures of his crotch and not the guy with the wide stance and not the guy who Hiked the Appalachian Trail with his Argentinean mistress. No, this is the former New York governor who was caught sleeping with high-priced prostitutes while wearing dress socks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's running for comptroller, the financial overseer of the city. He is qualified. As we know, he has a history of paying very expensive bills promptly.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You don't want to give a guy like that cash.

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: He's going to go right back to it.

SAGAL: You think so? Well, maybe he'll take the same techniques of commerce to the job. I mean, is he going to go with a much more expensive garbage company because it's a high-class waste management company? The guy's like no, I'm not a garbage man, I'm a garbage escort. It's totally different. I provide companionship.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Why do they spell comptroller comp - is it comptroller?

SAGAL: It's spelled like comptroller.

JOBRANI: What the hell is that?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: After that, he's going to get hoopkers.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: There you go, there you go.

POUNDSTONE: Once you're a comptroller, you get hoopkers.

SAGAL: Well, one of his qualifications for running for, you know, comptroller, as you might say, is that his experience putting a P where it shouldn't be, so...

POUNDSTONE: Whoa.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: There you go.

POUNDSTONE: Well, face it, control was not his gift.

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, the thing with Spitzer is, I can't think of Spitzer without thinking of that horrible, sad, the wife standing beside him.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, after it all came out.

DICKINSON: It was kind of the same face that Mrs. Sanford had when you think about it.

POUNDSTONE: Stanford, as in "Sanford and Son?"

SAGAL: No, different Sanford.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Fred G. Sanford.

POUNDSTONE: I'm coming, Elizabeth, that Sanford?

DICKINSON: No, the - like the governor of...

SAGAL: South Carolina.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, they have a training now to make the face.

SAGAL: Well, what's interesting...

DICKINSON: Well, you have to actually - because if you make the face, that means you're not, like, stabbing, like (makes noises).

POUNDSTONE: It's I'm still being supportive, but of course I'm hurt kind of a face. It's, you know, I'd rather he didn't...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, as you know...

POUNDSTONE: But he did.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sanford is back in office. Weiner might be.

(SOUNDBITE OF HUMMING)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

POUNDSTONE: It's in my head. Once it's in my head, there's nothing they can do about it.

SAGAL: I understand.

JOBRANI: But these guys got - I mean, it's sexual stuff, which I'm not saying was good, and cheating is not good...

POUNDSTONE: No, I don't think it was good.

JOBRANI: ...but that shouldn't affect their political managing side, right? Don't a lot of politicians do a lot worse stuff?

POUNDSTONE: Sometimes I've thought, honestly, when we've had, you know, presidents that philandered a bit, if it was a president that I liked, frankly I thought, well, I would do them if they do a good job as president.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Thank you. Thank you. That's all I'm saying.

POUNDSTONE: And I don't even like sex, so that...

SAGAL: You are patriotic then, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: It's just for my country, yes.

SAGAL: Yeah, I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: For my counptry.

SAGAL: Yeah, you're counptry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Carrie, here is your next quote:

KASELL: File Under Badass.

SAGAL: That was a headline on the Angry Asian Man blog describing the actions of Kim Ji-yeon, one of the heroic flight attendants during what disaster last week?

HAMILTON: Oh, it was the Asiana flight.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly, the Asiana flight that crashed in San Francisco, very good, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now we all know this actually for a plane crash came out well. And what did we learn? Because you think of flight attendants as underpaid, overworked and hostile sky waiters, right? But in reality, it turns out we now know they're an elite team of highly skilled safety ninjas.

As soon as Asiana Flight 214 hit the ground in San Francisco, the flight attendants were up and moving, they were getting the doors open, they were inflating those safety slides, they were slinging passengers over their shoulders, that happened. And yet, doing all this, they still weren't able to give out decent snacks for free.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Where was the pilot the whole time?

SAGAL: That's a good question.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Because wait, now let me get this. You know, is it that they didn't say anything to each other, that they both thought, oh, we're getting low, but they somehow thought that a machine was controlling it? Is that right?

SAGAL: I am not certain. I do not know personally what happened.

POUNDSTONE: Because I just keep thinking of how they, you know, they keep saying, you know, if you see something, say something. And I thought, well, that would've been a good time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: To say like I see the ground, for example.

POUNDSTONE: But they say it's safer than driving. And as a bad driver, I can tell you I think it is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, at least you're not responsible for your own safety, Paula, that's a plus. Right?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, that is a plus. Plus, you know what, when you're in a plane, other planes don't honk.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true. Let us move on, Carrie, to you very last quote.

KASELL: Mexico takes the cake.

SAGAL: That was a CNN headline, trumpeting the fact Mexico has passed the U.S. for the top spot on what list?

HAMILTON: Wow.

SAGAL: Well, I'll give you a hint. CNN was making a little joke because what they implied was that Mexico took the cake and ate the whole thing.

HAMILTON: Oh, obesity?

SAGAL: Yes, they have topped us in obesity.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We are no longer the most obese nation. We're number two. People all over the country were running outside, or waddling outside, and going we're number two, we're number two.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I've been listening to a lot of stories actually on public radio recently about sugar content in foods that we don't even know about it. It just mentions so many things that were really staples of my life.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Like Kit-Kat bars?

POUNDSTONE: I have this feeling that you just can't eat anything. You know, like sometimes late at night the children and I will just suck on wicker.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's going to turn out that's bad for you.

SAGAL: This is great, though. Now that Mexico is the most obese nation, there's some good news. It'll be easier to fight illegal immigration. Instead of a border wall, the U.S. can just put in a couple of stairs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And it's a lot easier to catch, you know, border crossers when they're sort of cruising across the desert in their Little Rascal mobility scooters.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Carrie do in our quiz?

KASELL: Carrie had a great game, Peter, three correct answers. She's a winner.

POUNDSTONE: Nice, Carrie.

SAGAL: Well done, Carrie. Thanks for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

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