Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: The Jury Is Out, St. Peter Express, Mind The Queue.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR Nsews quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's yours host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You're just generating more heat. Stop now.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We've got a great show for you today. We got comedian Tig Notaro, she'll be on later to play our game. But first, we know what you're thinking out there, sure, amusing news quiz, great, but what about the royal baby? What if there is news about the baby in the middle of our show? That is OK, we have Carl standing by, newsman that he is, ready to give you updates at a moment's notice. So, Carl, as we start the show, can we have a royal baby update?

KASELL: Babies are born every damned minute. Get a life, people.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Carl. And we'll be checking in with Carl again as news breaks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But while we wait for updates from London, give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

MARY WESTERVELT: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi, who's this?

WESTERVELT: This is Mary Westervelt from Hardwick, Vermont.

SAGAL: Hardwick, Vermont.

WESTERVELT: It's an amazing town, and we're very fortunate to have moved here about a year ago.

SAGAL: What do you do there? Do you split logs? Do you farm quinoa? What do you do?

(LAUGHTER)

WESTERVELT: You must have been to Hardwick. No, I personally stay home with my two kids when I'm not doing some consulting for the clean energy sector or trying to help my dad sell goat meat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You consult for the clean energy sector, and you help your father sell goat meat?

WESTERVELT: Welcome to Hardwick, Vermont.

SAGAL: I love it. I wish - I hope you do those things at the same time. Let me give you a business plan for your wind farm, and would you like some goat meat?

(LAUGHTER)

WESTERVELT: That's it.

SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Mary. First up, comedian and the host of the "Who's Paying Attention" podcast, Mr. Alonzo Bodden.

(APPLAUSE)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello.

SAGAL: Next, contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of the entertainment weekly afternoon show on Sirius XM, that's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Mary.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Lastly, the man behind Esquire's politics blog, it is Charlie Pierce.

(APPLAUSE)

CHARLIE PIERCE: Hi Mary.

SAGAL: So Mary, you're going to start us off with "Who's Carl This time." Carl Kasell, right here, is going to recreate for you three quotes from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you will win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to go?

WESTERVELT: Oh, I hope so.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KASELL: Allowing the women to get manicures and pedicures is important to the mental well-being of these jurors.

SAGAL: That was a criminal defense attorney, defending the downtime activities of the jury that found who not guilty last Saturday?

WESTERVELT: Mr. Zimmerman.

SAGAL: Yes, George Zimmerman, very good. Yes, you got it right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now that the Zimmerman case is over, Americans are beginning to focus on the jurors. It was an all-female panel of six. And during the trial, in which they were sequestered away from the public, it turns out they got manicures and pedicures and had outings to bowling alleys and, seriously, to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum, which is appropriate because some day they will be an exhibit there.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Beauty treatments, that seems like the appropriate way to spend their time.

SAGAL: I think so.

BODDEN: I wouldn't want to be - you're looking for funny? I'm black, and we're talking about Trayvon Martin. Just back off, people.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We knew that you'd bring the frivolity to this, Alonzo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One of the jurors appeared on Anderson Cooper's show. She was identified as Juror B-37, which was great because that meant I got Juror Bingo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good, here is your next quote.

KASELL: We are all sinners.

SAGAL: It was announced this week that if you follow the person who tweeted that recently, you can get to heaven faster. Who is it?

(LAUGHTER)

WESTERVELT: Is it the pope?

SAGAL: It is the pope, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If you want to spend less time in purgatory, you just have to follow the pope on Twitter. This is a better...

PIERCE: Hashtag salvation.

SAGAL: Exactly. This is a better deal than following Justin Bieber on Twitter, which just reverses puberty.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For those not up on Catholic theology, purgatory is the place you go when you're not bad enough for hell but not good enough for heaven yet. You have to wait there for a while.

PIERCE: It's kind of like working casinos.

SAGAL: Yes. Imagine being on hold with customer service for like 10,000 years. That's purgatory, except the hold music is all Christian rock. So the - this is true. The Catholic Church now says you can get an indulgence from them, a sort of bonus coupon, good for time off in purgatory. if you follow the Pope's twitter feed, which is @Pontifex.

PIERCE: And if you don't think I signed up immediately, you're out of your mind.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's great.

SALIE: I think they should up the stakes. I think following him on Twitter isn't enough. I think if you re-tweet it, maybe you can just have unlimited premarital sex without birth control.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Mary, here is your last quote.

KASELL: We didn't plan a big enough party.

SAGAL: That was an executive from Netflix, expressing surprise at all the nominations they received Thursday for what awards?

WESTERVELT: Whoo, Emmy?

SAGAL: Yes, the Emmys, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Emmys, which are the big awards for broadcast television, made history this week by giving nine nominations to the series "House of Cards," which wasn't on broadcast or even cable TV. It was on Netflix. Nominations included Best Drama, Best Actor, and most Lives Ruined Through Endless Late Nights Binge Watching "Cake Boss" episodes.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I'm surprised, that seems like a slightly disingenuous response from Netflix since they campaigned by putting signs in the yards of Academy voters in L.A.

SAGAL: Really?

SALIE: Yeah.

PIERCE: What, they did like a political campaign?

SALIE: Yeah.

PIERCE: Wow.

SAGAL: So if you remember the Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, which is one of the funniest concepts ever, you wake up one day, and there's a sign in your yard going, hi, why don't you vote for "House of Cards"?

PIERCE: Yeah, and I think it was implicitly a nod to the fact that "House of Cards" is about politics, but they very savvily put political-type signs in the yards of people who turned out voters.

SAGAL: Wouldn't that freak out a voter if, like Netflix knows where I live and is coming to get me?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Wouldn't it be easier to just give you a free subscription to Netflix, say have you seen "House of Cards" or anything else we show for free for the rest of your life?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's weird that the service that brings you other people's movies and TV shows has started making movies and TV shows of its own. It's like your pizza delivery guy shows up and says, you know I'm cooking a little myself.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here, try the rugelach, it's good. Carl, how did Mary do on our quiz?

KASELL: Mary, you had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or answering machine. Congratulations.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done, Mary. Thank you so much for playing. And she already left.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I would say about 10 minutes.

PIERCE: There was a run on goat meat.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

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