Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Barack O-Matic, Sprechen Sie Espionage, Getting Past Second Base — Again.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Cincinnati Music Hall in Cincinnati, Ohio, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Oh, please. It's great to be making our debut in Cincinnati, only fifteen years after we went on the air.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It took us that long to learn how to spell it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we've got actor, musician, author and proud Ohioan John Lithgow on the show, to play Not My Job, that'll be fun.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But first we wanted to welcome to our NPR family one Sabrina Farhi, who starting next month will be the voice of all the funding credits you hear on NPR. This is true. We're very happy to have her. Here she is.

SABRINA FARHI, BYLINE: This is NPR.

SAGAL: Very nice, she'll do it great, but she had to have some training, of course, to learn the smooth, calm delivery we at NPR are known for. Here's her audition tape.

UNIDENTIFIED MAN: You've got Farhi and Taco in the morning. This is NPR, oh yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She's got range, it turns out.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We're ready to answer your phone call in soothing terms. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

SUJATA FRETZ: Hi, this is Sujata Fretz from Denver, Colorado.

SAGAL: That is a very cool name.

FRETZ: Thank you.

SAGAL: I can't place it, though. What kind of name is it?

FRETZ: Well, I'm Indian, so my first name is Indian, and then I married white, so...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And how's that working out, actually?

FRETZ: Oh, it's fabulous, fabulous.

SAGAL: Yes, Sujata, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a Second City and Colbert Report alum, Mr. Peter Grosz is here.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER GROSZ: Hi, Sujata.

SAGAL: Next, one of the women behind the Washington Post's reliable source column, Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And, a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "My Grandmother's Ravioli" on the Cooking Channel, Mr. Mo Rocca is here.

(APPLAUSE)

MO ROCCA: Hi Sujata.

FRETZ: Hello.

SAGAL: So your job, of course, is play Who's Carl This Time. We'll open the show with it, as always. Carl Kasell is going to recreate for you three quotations in the week's news. Your job, of course, identify or explain two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize, Carl' voice on your voicemail. You ready to go?

FRETZ: I am.

SAGAL: OK, here is your first quote.

KASELL: The phone number for these call centers is 1-800-318-2596. I want to repeat that: 1-800-318-2596.

SAGAL: That was a politician experiencing possibly the lowest moment of his career this week. Who was it?

FRETZ: That would be President Barack Obama giving out a new number.

SAGAL: It would be, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

ROCCA: 1-800-DISASTER.

SAGAL: The Republicans tried to so hard to stop Obamacare. All they needed to do was wait for the president to try and start it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Three weeks after its launch, Obamacare has improved American's health: While you're staring at the perpetually spinning ball as the screen reloads, you cannot be outside getting hit by a bus.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So in the wake of the disaster of the website's rollout, we saw the leader of the Free World get in front of the cameras and pitch an 800 number. And then he gave the number again. Plus, he said, if you sign up now, you can also get a Ginsu Knife and a SlapChop absolutely free.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Plus nothing makes anything better than just calling customer service.

ROCCA: It always helps.

GROSZ: You thought it didn't work now, just wait until you get somebody on the phone.

SAGAL: Is that what happened when, like, when the president himself found out it wasn't working? Did he pick up the phone and call, like, IT help at Obamacare, and they're like, well, Mr. President, have you tried shutting down the government and starting it again?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Although interestingly, while he was delivering the speech touting all the benefits of Obamacare, saying it wasn't just a website, it was helping people all over the place, while he's doing this speech a woman directly behind him, one of those women they put, you know, behind him to make it look like people support him, she - well, her eyes rolled up, and she fainted, and President Obama turned and sort of helped her himself.

So that's the only part of Obamacare that's working, when President Obama himself tends to you when you're sick.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's what it was supposed to be the whole time. He's like I'm Obama, I will care for you. That's why it's called Obamacare.

SAGAL: Keep in mind, though, that's the gold package. If you get the bronze package, be wary of the bronze package, then you just get Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's just Biden ringing your doorbell, anybody sick? Somebody here is sick.

SAGAL: What's crazy is everybody says the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare, is one of the biggest government programs in decades, and it has been, like, completely brought to a grinding halt by a technical glitch. Can you imagine if this had happened before? Can you imagine if D-Day failed because Eisenhower used Apple Maps?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Did you mean Normandy, New Jersey?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here are directions to Normandy.

GROSZ: Are you going to walk there?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sujata, for your next quote, we're happy to present to you a brand new German word..

KASELL: Handyuberwachung.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's one of those great German words to describe a complex topic. In this case it means spying on somebody else's cell phone usage. The German government is accusing who of listening in on their Chancellor's cell phone calls?

FRETZ: Well that would be us, the NSA.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who me? Yes, us, the NSA in fact, the United States.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Responding to information released by Edward Snowden, that scamp, the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel called President Obama to see if the US was really tapping her phone. The President assured her, we are told by the White House, that the U.S., quote, is "not and will not be listening in to her phone." But nobody said we never have. In fact, they cut the line at the instant they heard her dialing up the White House.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's kind of a fetish, isn't it, like, wanting to hear what German people talk about on the phone?

ROCCA: It's like so specific.

ROBERTS: Well wait, no, no, no, no. This is like 35 countries now.

GROSZ: I know, but the German part seems a little freaky, don't you think?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well - but I love the excuse. No, we're not doing it, and we won't be doing it. So you could use that excuse. That's a helpful tip from the White House. So if your spouse says are you seeing somebody else, you can say no, right now I'm looking at you.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I wonder what she does chat about on the phone. I mean, I wonder what's small talk for Angela Merkel.

GROSZ: She's like, she goes into a chatroom, she's like hi, I'm Angela, the chancellor of Germany. Who else is on the phone?

SAGAL: I don't think she'd be very good at that. They'd be like so, so Chancellor A, what are you wearing? A sensible pantsuit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sujata, here is your last quote.

KASELL: Please marry me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A number of women in the audience just went: Yes, Carl, yes. He's taken, ladies. No, that was a celebrity making a modest and not at all desperate-sounding proposal to Kim Kardashian. Who popped the question?

FRETZ: That would be Kanye West.

SAGAL: Kanye West, yes indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Such exciting news this week. Kanye West, a rapper and producer, and Kim Kardashian, a significant indicator of America's decline, are getting...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You're fans, that's good. Anyway, the big news is, the big news is they're getting divorced. Well, yes, they're getting married, first, but that's just a formality.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mr. West rented out the San Francisco Giants baseball stadium, brought her to center field. He presented her with a 15 carat diamond engagement ring. All her family was there.

GROSZ: And a weight belt? That's a big ring.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's a big ring. Her family was there. Khloe Kardashian had grown a playoff beard, which was awesome.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I love that they named their child North West, which is really the only piece of guidance that child will ever have.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's true. That's the direction he will eventually flee.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Sujata do on our quiz?

KASELL: Sujata, you're a winner. You had three correct answers. So I'll be doing the voicemail on your home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done, Sujata, well done.

(APPLAUSE)

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