Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Limericks

Carl reads three news-related limericks: From Coffee Beans to Lima Beans, Fang by Elizabeth Arden, and You Know What They Say About the Size of a Man's Nose.

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or, click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Theater in Chicago Illinois or our upcoming show in Memphis Tennessee December 19th. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

JOHN MARTIN: Hello. This is John Martin from Sarasota, Florida.

SAGAL: Hey, John. How are you?

MARTIN: I'm good. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Sarasota is a beautiful place. I've spent some time there.

MARTIN: Yes, it is. But it's not my hometown.

SAGAL: Well, what is your hometown?

MARTIN: Well, I was a firefighter for 25 years in Elkhart, Indiana.

SAGAL: Wait a minute.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You were a firefighter right here in Elkhart?

MARTIN: Yes, sir.

BRIAN BABYLON: Everybody knows fireman John.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now hang on a second, John. I just - I mean, you happen to be speaking right now, in addition to our radio listeners, but you're speaking to a room full of Elkhartians. So what do you have to say to them from your retirement in Florida?

MARTIN: It's warm down here.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome back to Elkhart virtually, John. It's nice to have you. Carl Kasell is going to read you three news-related limericks, with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Ready to play?

MARTIN: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Carl, give him his first limerick.

CARL KASELL: Though my officemates frequently scoff me, I cook salmon and couscous and toffee. Once I take out the grounds it's a stove without bounds. I make food where most others brew...

MARTIN: ...coffee.

SAGAL: Right, coffee. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Sure. You love that first cup of coffee in the morning, but have you ever wished it was chewier?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Chefs around the world have introduced a variety of recipes that require only your trusty coffeemaker. You can steam veggies in the top, you can boil soup in the carafe and use the burner to grill pork. And there's nothing better than a piping hot hammucchino.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Very good. Here is your next limerick.

KASELL: When Spot comes back in from a jog he emits a rank, harsh-smelling fog. Though my spray makes him whine he is gonna smell fine. I bought some perfume for my...

MARTIN: ...dog.

SAGAL: Dog, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Perfumes for dogs are apparently selling out at pet stores around the country. The perfumes come in two varieties, his and hers. The his version smells of cedarwood, basil and dog butt and the her version smells of jasmine, and dog butt.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And if you're wondering how to get the perfume onto the dog, all you do is spray it on the dead bird in your lawn and wait for the dog to go roll around on it.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: High-end dog stuff, man, has gone too far.

SAGAL: It really has.

BABYLON: I wish people - and those city slickers, that's why people need to be real like Elkhart.

FAITH SALIE: You're not even supposed to call yourself a dog owner anymore, right?

BABYLON: Well, that's - a PC?

SAGAL: What am I?

SALIE: Yeah, there's, like, a new term for it. It's like...

SAGAL: I'm a companion human?

SALIE: Yeah, like a - yeah, like you're the companion.

BABYLON: Who's offended?

SALIE: I'm not.

BABYLON: No, is the dog saying, I can't believe he called you a dog owner.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Is the dog saying that?

SAGAL: (Unintelligible) the idea of owning the animal is upsetting...

BABYLON: Are they mad about that?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's mad...

BABYLON: Don't nobody own me, ruff, ruff. Are you kidding me? No one's doing that.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: No dog is saying that.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KASELL: As a body's big muscle mass grows it makes sure that more oxygen flows. A woman's proboscis is rarely prepost'rous, but we men grow a much bigger...

MARTIN: ...nose.

SAGAL: That's correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: According to new research from the University of Iowa, men's noses ten to be around 10% bigger than women's on average. Scientists theorize this is because men need larger noses to get more oxygen to feed their muscles, and because women need smaller noses to avoid having to smell men.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did John do on our quiz?

KASELL: John, you had a great game. You had three correct answers so I'll be doing the message on your voice mail or home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well don't.

(APPLAUSE)

CHARLIE PIERCE: All right, fireman John.

SAGAL: Thank you, sir.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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