Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Who's Carl This Time

Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the week's news: Phony Fingers, World of Spycraft, Must Flee TV.

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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl, thanks everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. We've got a great show for you today. We're especially excited about today's guest, Oscar Isaac. He plays the title role in the new Coen Brothers movie, "Inside Llewyn Davis." It's about the '60's folk revival in Greenwich Village.

And as you can imagine, it's so exciting for us at NPR to have a movie come out that finally explores the experience of the white American.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first we want to hear about your unique cultural heritage, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

KARINA SAHAGIAN: Hi, Peter, this is Karina Sahagian. I'm calling from Spokane, Washington.

SAGAL: Beautiful Spokane. How are things there?

SAHAGIAN: Yeah, it's really cold.

SAGAL: Yeah, and what do you do there in Spokane?

SAHAGIAN: I'm a high school English teacher, and I'm actually just starting a new job on Monday working at the juvenile detention center.

SAGAL: No kidding.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Wow. I mean, having taught in high schools before, I'm sure you're ready for a place where, you know, asocial teenagers have been locked in for the day.

SAHAGIAN: Well, I don't know. This is going to be a new gig. I've got a special button I've got to push if I get upset, which is not what I'm used to. I'm kind of excited.

SAGAL: How many minutes do you think you're going to be able to go before you press that button?

(LAUGHTER)

SAHAGIAN: We'll shoot for five. I don't know.

SAGAL: I hope so. Karina, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of the Entertainment Weekly afternoon show on Sirius XM, it's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hello there.

SAHAGIAN: Hi Faith.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next a comedian whose Showtime standup comedy special "I Come in Peace" is now available on Amazon and iTunes, it's Maz Jobrani.

(APPLAUSE)

MAZ JOBRANI: Hello.

SAHAGIAN: Hello.

SAGAL: And a comedienne whose new comedy CD "I Heart Jokes: Paula Tells Them In Boston" is available everywhere including our very own NPR shop, it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Yay.

SAGAL: Well, Welcome to the show Karina. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

SAHAGIAN: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote:

KASELL: An unexpected handshake, a selfie, a seat change.

SAGAL: Those were, according to Yahoo News, the three big events at the memorial for whom this week?

SAHAGIAN: For Nelson Mandela.

SAGAL: Indeed for Nelson Mandela. That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now a lot happened at the memorial for Nelson Mandela, but the most amazing thing was the sign language interpreter. This is a guy who stood there all day, a yard away from the most important people in the world as they gave their eulogies, and he's signing away, and it turns out he's a complete fake.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Deaf people all over the world tuned in, were watching him, and they started saying to themselves he's not making any sense. Oh no, am I going blind now too?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I mean, if you watch him, you just - he just makes these weird signs where he keeps, like, touching his head and then making little circles. And so deaf people who, like, actually speak sign language are like he's not making any sense. Derek Jeter, though, watching at home, immediately broke and stole for third base.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: So did they pull him out during the event?

SALIE: No.

SAGAL: No.

POUNDSTONE: Wow, just to save face? Just went oh, let him finish.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: He's happy. He's not really bothering anybody.

SAGAL: I personally think that this guy just won the best bar bet ever.

POUNDSTONE: What do you want to bet I can go to the Mandela funeral and wave my hands around without getting caught.

SAGAL: Pretty much.

POUNDSTONE: No, man, you are on.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Karina, here is your next quote:

KASELL: They've gone from spying on a super power in the cold war to spying on an elf.

SAGAL: That was a player who enjoys "World of Warcraft," the massive online game. He was responding to revelations that who had infiltrated the online world of that game?

SAHAGIAN: Oh, this is the new - all the NSA surveillance?

SAGAL: Yes, the NSA, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bad news, nerds. New documents released by that scamp Edward Snowdon shows that the NSA started logging on to massive online games like "World of Warcraft" and "Second Life" under assumed identities to see if terrorists were using the games to communicate. Because instead of just walking over to the next cave and saying hello, it's so much more fun to log onto "World of Warcraft" and look for another centaur chanting death to America.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Well, these games are so real now that you feel like somebody could actually be training because when I was younger, we used to play "Galaga," where these spaceships would come from the sky, and you would have to aim it.

SAGAL: Beep, beep, beep, yeah, very simple.

JOBRANI: So I was ready in case somebody came, I could have, you know, shot...

SAGAL: As long as they came in a line.

JOBRANI: You know what I'm saying? I was prepared for that, or if I were chased by a ball that was opening its mouth and closing it.

SAGAL: We're ready to go, man.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I mean, there was no - they just thought, well, that could be a way that they could do it. They didn't - there was no evidence of that, right?

SAGAL: No, none whatsoever.

POUNDSTONE: OK, well see, then that's just - that just opens the gate for - you know, they could go to my grocery store. You know what I mean?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: They're over in produce, they're in canned goods, we don't - you know. So now we just have to follow everyone all the time for no good reason.

SAGAL: We feel the terrorists might be meeting at this resort in Jamaica. We should go check it out.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SALIE: They're definitely at the Cheetah Lounge.

POUNDSTONE: What's the Cheetah Lounge?

JOBRANI: Strip club. Sure.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: What's going to be called the Cheetah Lounge other than a strip club?

JOBRANI: It could be a place you buy cheetahs.

POUNDSTONE: I thought it was a place...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Everybody needs to relax, it's true.

POUNDSTONE: I thought it was a place where cheetahs go to smoke, yeah, you know, to just kick back and relax the way cheetahs like to, without all the pressure of the jungle.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your last quote.

KASELL: Are your eyes tired? It's from a combination of excessive cringing and sustained weeping.

SAGAL: That was Kevin Fallon in the Daily Beast writing one of many bad reviews of NBC's attempt to bring what beloved musical to television last week?

SAHAGIAN: It's got to be "The Sound of Music."

SAGAL: That's right, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: This is so upsetting.

SAGAL: As you probably know, as Paula clearly knows, NBC's big event last week, was their live broadcast of "The Sound of Music," starring "American Idol" winner Carrie Underwood as Maria and former "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell as the invading Nazis.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now 38 Million people watched the live broadcast, huge event, but it's not clear how many of those were hate-watching it.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, you know what it's like? It's like when there's - like something's gone bad, and people go oh smell this.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah, and they invite people over because it's like so awful. Like what is this?

POUNDSTONE: There's always takers on it, you know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: There's always people don't throw it away, I didn't smell it yet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So Paula, what was your objection here?

POUNDSTONE: My objection is that Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer are sacred.

SAGAL: Right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now wait a minute.

POUNDSTONE: You do not recast them any more than you recast the nativity.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I'm going to tell you something, it killed Eleanor Parker.

SAGAL: It did. This is true. Eleanor Parker, who played the countess in the movie, happened to coincidentally, I'm sure, pass away this week at the ripe old age of 91, and age when...

SALIE: Coincidence.

POUNDSTONE: It was not a coincidence at all.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now...

SALIE: The trouble was they cast real Broadway supporting actors. There was Laura Benanti and Audra McDonald, who have won Tonys, and it's just kind of - it's not fair. It's like..

JOBRANI: You've got to lower the standard.

SALIE: Exactly, so everybody - it's like you choose ugly bridesmaids.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You could cast...

SALIE: And you make them wear yellow.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Faith, I know you were married not that long ago, and I just want to thank you for not asking me to be a bridesmaid.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Karina do on our quiz?

KASELL: Karina, you had three correct answers, so I'll be happy to do the message on your voicemail or home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you for playing, and good luck at that new job.

SAHAGIAN: Thank you.

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