Guess Who's on First

...With Apologies to Abbott and Costello

The original confused patron.

The original confused patron attempts to clarify the lineup. hide caption

itoggle caption

The No. 1 film at the box office this past weekend was Guess Who, starring Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutchner. The Easter weekend was a good one for comedies generally, with Hitch, Be Cool, and the animated film Robots, all holding onto spots in the Top 10. It may however, have been a trying weekend for theater personnel. To illustrate, a dramatization:

Theater Manager: May I help you, sir?

Theater Patron: I find this cineplex very confusing.

Theater Manager: Maybe I can help. I'm the manager. I know where everything is.

Patron: There are a lot of screens.

Manager: I know them all.

Patron: Okay, what's in Theater One?

Manager: Guess Who.

Patron: Guess who's in Theater One?

Manager: Now you've got it.

Patron: Now I've got what?

Manager: Guess Who's in Theater One.

(pause)

Patron: Okay, forget Theater One. What about Theater Two?

Manager: The Day After Tomorrow

Patron: I have to wait for the day after tomorrow?

Manager: Only until 7:30.

Patron: The day after tomorrow at 7:30.

Manager: In Theater Two.

Patron: What's playing now?

Manager: They're between shows.

Patron: But when they have a show again, it'll be...?

Manager: The Day After Tomorrow ...

Patron and Manager ...at 7:30.

Patron Okay... I'm losing my patience with this place! What's in Theater Three?

Manager: Be Cool.

Patron: Don't patronize me, just tell me what's in Theater Three.

Manager: Be Cool.

Patron: Just tell me.

Manager: Be Cool.

Patron: Why do you keep saying that? What're you theater guys, robots?

Manager: Theater Four

Patron: What's in Theater Four?

Manager: Robots.

Patron: There's no way out, is there?

Manager: Not here... maybe at a video store.

Patron: I am NOT going to a video store. Look, imagine I'm in Theater Four... and I'm watching?....

Manager: Robots.

Patron: What about the day after tomorrow?

Patron and Manager Theater Two.

Patron: No... the... day... after... tomorrow, what'll you have in Theater Four?

Manager: Ohhhhhh. Well, that's usually our repertory house, so then we'll have Twelve Angry Men.

Patron: I'll bet you will.

(pause) How about theater 5?

Manager: Miss Congeniality

Patron: Twelve Angry Men in Theater Four, and Miss Congeniality in Theater Five.

Manager: You're finally getting it.

Patron: I am NOT! I still don't know what's in Theater Three.

Manager: Be Cool.

Patron: I have so had it with this theater. I bet you'd have a smart remark if I asked what was in Theater Seven.

Manager: Hitch.

Patron: (Furious) What'd you call me?

Manager: Sir, I'm just trying to help.

Patron: You wanna help, get total recall.

Manager: I can talk to our booker.

Patron: You do that. Meanwhile, I'm going Home!... Alone!... to Chinatown! Dude, where's my car?

(pause)

Patron: That'd be Theater Eight.

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